Doesn't anybody die at 79 anymore?

I hear you, it's so hard - the frustration, depression, anxiety (yes, I am getting help). My active, healthy husband died suddenly last year at 70 years old.
Meanwhile, my parents are 93, with more issues that require help/care seemingly every day. I am at their home every day to help with something. My mother is recovering from broken ribs from a fall, we're caring for, trying to heal a venous ulcer on Dad's ankle for over a year - it has finally shown improvement the past couple months.
We had been caring for my 97 yr. old mother-in-law until she passed in the fall.
They all lived and enjoyed their lives in retirement when they were my brothers and my ages, were never called upon to be caregivers like this.
I know this sounds bitter but it doesn't seem quite fair or something, I sometimes wonder if the stress of caring for his mother (she was a pill) contributed to my husband's death - of course I'm still grieving so...

Well, I didn't die at 79. Neither did my mother who died at 106 from Vascular Dementia. Her organs were all ticking over well except for her brain which was damaged from episodes of high blood pressure. And she had life long Borderline Personality Disorder which was far more difficult to cope with than the VaD.

I hear what you are saying about needlessly prolonging poor quality life by extraordinary means and totally agree with it. Mother, unfortunately perhaps, had a very strong body which didn't need any help.

By the time mother died I was over 80 - my caregiving days extended well past my expectations. Apparently that's becoming more common - seniors looking after ancients. So what do you do about it?

I had to suck it up and do what had to be done, to see that she had good care. Was it hard on me on top of a lifetime of dealing with a mentally ill mother? Yes. you bet it was.

I also had to look after myself and I recommend that to you. I had a life separate from my caregiving, sig other and I travelled...You say you are depressed - then get help for you so you can deal with whatever life brings to you and your mother. She may live another 10-15 years. How are you going to cope with that?

On the other hand maybe you are just venting and that's OK too but remember there are several of us here over 79.

Believe me you have my sympathy. I thought mother would never die - or not in my lifetime. If I had to do it again, I would put me first more often than I did.

I want to add this - that some of the comments here smack of ageism. Aging is hard. That's reality. We look at ads and see silver haired, trim and active seniors, as if that's the norm. I don't think so. Old people don't conveniently pop off when life gets difficult for everyone. Two of my kids either don't want to or are not capable of caregiving me. One says he will but isn't good at communicating with me. OK. That hasn't spoiled our relationships. I am glad they are honest and so far I look after myself just fine and expect to for another 10 years anyway. It's something I work for by taking care of myself and arranging my life accordingly and. no doubt, good genes on both sides help. My younger than me sig other wants to but has his own health issues these days so I am not signing him up for anything right now.

Longevity is increasing globally. Health care needs some adjustments in how seniors are treated. Those kind of changes don't happen quickly. Speak up where you can make a difference. I am reminded of Kermit's song, "It's not easy being green". It's not easy being old either. Perhaps you will find that out too.

Sadly we now die way too old, and often after having for years no quality of life, and ruining the lives of others. There is even talk now of asking seniors if they will for sign statements saying they will not accept antibiotics. Sepsis from pneumonia used to be considered the "old man's friend" in that it ushers him to the "pearl gates".

You aren't alone. I know that doesn't help, but reading here you know you aren't.

My parents have outlived their parents. They are taking medicine that was not developed until recent decades. It is terrible that everyone is developing Dementia and Incontinence! Not sure I want to live that long....

You can thank modern medicine for this. By pumping a dump truck full of drugs into people, we are now staying alive long past our expiration dates. And now that we are in the 21st century, this mess is only going to get worse.

I used to worry about not living a long life. Now I am worried about living way too long.

I feel this post. My Dad was an absolute wretched man who hurt everyone of us. He spent 20 years dying. My sister and I took the brunt of it as long as we could but eventually got him qualified for Medicaid and got him into a care facility. He passed at 92.

My sister was so tired and neglected that she only lasted another 5 years. I've been terrible about taking care of me as well. Saved by being a little bit younger and a husband is on a similar path (but is a MUCH better person. ) However, if I don't somehow figure out how to put my own wellbeing first, I may not make it as long as Hubs does.

I've come to say in the US we are very good at prolonging the dying. I'm not sure I agree we are good at prolonging life.

There’s a book whose title escapes me, my doctor told me about it—it’s about how humans used to live harder lives of daily physical labor and literally drop dead one day. And conversely, we now live far less physically active lives and have a seemingly endless array of medications and treatments, so we live far longer, but in much worse shape. I know that both of my parents were so very tired of dealing with their health issues, they were ready to leave this world long before they did. The most ridiculous thing that happened was my dad having an ill advised skin cancer surgery on his head. It required a skin graft, and was a long and slow healing process lasting most of a year. All because a “doctor said so” When we returned for a follow-up appointment dad told the doctor that I’d said he never should have done it. Dr got all huffy and said “this could have killed you” Dad asked when? Dr. said maybe 20-25 years! In a man in his mid 80’s with progressive congestive heart failure. Unreal. My hope is to see a change in at least some doctors to put their need to treat aside when it’s so obviously stupid to do so. I’m sorry you’re in such a frustrating place and wish you peace

My MIL died one day before her 80th birthday. Stroke, totally unexpected. Husband went to check on her after no one heard from her all day (she lived alone). Found her dead on the floor.

While it was a shock, in some ways it was the best way to go out. She’d had to place her mother (dementia) in AL and then an NH. Her mother was well cared for, but it was so hard on my MIL to see her in such bad shape. I know she didn’t want her kids to experience that.

But I get what you mean. Why are we
extending life when such people have no quality of life?

Good luck to you. I’m pushing 70 with both my parents in a NH and just wish it was over.

I told my husband yesterday after another fun filled hour visiting my mother that I wished she would just die already because I hate her guts. He was horrified. There’s no compassion left in me anymore. She is 95 and doe noIt have dementia. She actually might be nicer if she did.

Blue… I read in your profile that you are obsessed with life expectancy calculators. I have the exact same feelings about dealing with my mentally ill almost 76 year old mother. She’s a forever smoker, wheezes and gurgles audibly, yet her O2 sat is 95%. I’m sorry you are still being put through the mill. I’m still in the thick of it too