Tonight I'm FULL of resentment and mom goes on and on about herself like a narcissist (which my therapist defined her as)...i know i should just let it go but she NEVER asks me about my life, which is basically non-existent anyway because when i'm not taking care of her, i'm flat on my face exhausted.
So i got angry with her and told her I feel like a slave..she said i'm basically crazy and it was a stupid thing to say...'you shouldn't feel that way"...Boy did that feel GREAT though to actually verbalize it!

But the sledgehammer hit when she said, "you wouldn't be so focused on me if you had a life" IS THAT VERBAL ABUSE OR AM I JUST IMAGINING THINGS?

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Many of us here have been through that with our moms (sometimes dads).

If you can, get your mom seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. You don't have to tell her that's who she's going to, just a specialist in seniors. One of these doctors can make the world of difference for your mom (and therefore, you).
My mom is a bi-polar, narcissistic, borderline personality disorder patient, with Alzheimers to make it more fun. She was NEVER correctly treated for this until she got to see a geriatric psych.

70+ years of regular old vanilla GPs had not been able to fix her "nerves" or how her emotions would run away with her, or her paranoia & anger. This was not a GP problem, but I was pretty irritated none of them had the sense to refer her on.

There's no magic pill to fix narcissism or any of the other Cluster B personality disorders, but getting into help will teach you so much about why this is happening.

What YOU can do NOW is put up iron-clad unmoevable personal boundaries. She will probably pitch fits, pull stunts, and do whatever it takes to make you pay attention, but you have to assert your personhood.

Good luck and write back!
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Smitty, even though my mom was never narcissistic, as she's gotten older, had a stroke, developed Vascular Dementia, her circle of reference has gotten smaller and smaller. Us kids? It's our job to get her cared for and to tend to our own lives. You have to separate the two. The care you get for your mom doesn't need to be given by you. If she has resources, they should be used for her care. In short, yes, YOU should be living YOUR life. Talk to her doctor about what level of care she needs, then talk to a social worker or your therapist about how to make that happen.
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I agree with Pam above, maybe it is time for assistant living. What you are going through isn't going to get better, only worse, unfortunately. Imagine all the new friends your Mom could make, and all the different activities, plus a dining room with someone else doing all the cooking and cleaning up.
Wish I would have found this website a few years ago.... then I could have learned to have said *no* more times to my parents. Instead I took mega time off work, used up my vacation days, sick days, and days without pay, to help them. Instead of feeling good about helping them, I was starting to feel a lot of resentment :(
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Ummm, have you considered an antidepressant? How about moving her to Assisted Living, so she can play with people her own age? You know, at ALF her peers would not put up with insults, they establish boundaries among themselves. Go and observe one.
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