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Mom was just diagnosed in August. I went with her to the doctor November 2013 because my sister and I were concerned about her memory and her obsession in accusing a person her children had never met of stealing from her. Her doctor gave her a cognition test and she scored 26/30. Of course she became angry with me for even mentioning my concerns to her doctor. The doctor said it was age-related memory loss.

By January mom had moved in with my sister because she was mishandling her money and told off her apartment manager (lost a place to stay). My sister said that things were fine with Mom living with her. Mom still was driving and taking care of herself.

Mom moved out from my sister at the end of May. Her obsessions and accusations of someone stealing her things began again (or became noticeable again). We voiced our concerns to her doctor at her June visit. It took Mom ending up in the hospital because she overdosed on her BP meds before she was finally diagnosed with dementia. Because Mom lived near my older sister she had to move in with her again when the doctor told her she couldn't live alone. It took the doctor repeatedly telling her that she could no longer live by herself or drive before she relented. She wouldn't listen to her daughters, only her doctor.

She has been referred to and seen a neurologist. She's had a battery of tests, yet we still don't have anything from the neurologist telling us what kind of dementia. Mom is only 72 years old. It seems that she is deteriorating so rapidly, and I want to know at what stage is her dementia and what type. My sister and I both have left phone messages (during office hours) with her neurologist about the results of all of the tests Mom has undergone.

My mom has always been a controlling and manipulative person, and no one (her children) would ever oppose her. Now we're having to take control and she retaliates with threats and what I can only describe as tantrums. She's so verbally abusive to everyone now, especially my sister and her adult kids. My sister's mental health is deteriorating rapidly. Sometimes Mom calls me 6-7 times a day, no matter the time. She calls my sister at work even more than that. I cringe when my phone rings and it's her. She yells and hangs up if I don't immediately agree with what she wants (wants me to drive almost two hours to bring her food, money, whatever). I know this is part of the disease and I try and distract her.

Right now she thinks she's living with her ex-in-laws, not my sister. She believes her granddaughter is her ex- sister-in-law. She has dreams and believes that they are reality. We try and distract her. It works only a minimal amount of times. She has always been negative, but now it's about everything and everybody.

Since a recent visit to her doctor for a routine exam to get her prescriptions refilled for HP, she now believes that she no longer has dementia. Believes her doctor told her that she was fine and could live on her own again and start driving again. Now she's angry that my sister and I told her that she could not have her car keys back and could not live by herself. It's amazing what she doesn't recall and what she can hold onto and remember for days when she's angry.

I've listened to my sister cry during too many phone conversations we've had since Mom moved back in with her in August. My sister is now talking about give Mom back her car keys and letting her do what she wants. I'm thinking that it's time for a nursing home. Is a nursing home the right next step? There is no money AL.

Mom has repeatedly stated that she is not going into a nursing home. We do not have POA or guardianship. There is no money for attorney fees either. How do we go about getting Mom into a nursing facility against her wishes? I'm afraid that my sister will end up in the hospital if something isn't done. I don't have room to move her two hours away to live with me. And, there would be no one to watch her during the day if she moved in with me. At my sister's house Mom has her on bedroom and there is always an adult in the house. I believe her care is too much for my sister and it would be the same for me. We're not equipped to handle Mom.

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One thing you and your sister might do about the car -- take the keys. Your sister can say that you must have them. You live far enough away that it would be hard to get them. Your mother will probably call you, but you don't have time to bring them to her. And besides, the doctor said she couldn't drive. That would take the heat off your sister if you don't mind taking it on yourself.
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BMWallace, I feel so bad for your sister and you. It sounds like your mother is losing control of her life and blaming people around them. My mother had this same problem. She fought me for two years when it came to her medications. They were a major control issue for her. If she had driven, I know the car would have been another one. Your poor sister. Our elders can really beat us down with their anger if we let them.

Putting your mother into AL or a NH is easier said than done. Sometimes it is easier to learn ways to deal with the control and temper tantrums.To keep from setting them off, one has to learn to sneak around the side, instead of clashing head on. My mother would not let me handle her meds until she had two problems with overdosing. Then she allowed me to put her day's allowance out in bottles for her. That made her feel she still had control, but it kept her from taking too much.

One thing I became good at was walking away when the verbal barbs and nasty words started. My mother is very sweet and docile to everyone but me, but she can be very ugly to me. You know how it is -- people tend to bite the hand that feeds them. It is easier to walk away.

The good news with my mother is that after 3 or so years of being crazy, angry, and mean, she got nicer. She still has her crazy and angry times, but they are less frequent. The barbs do not come as often. This may happen with your mother, too, as she comes to accept the way things are. She may began to appreciate the help her family gives (but don't hold your breath). The only advice I can give is to let her moods roll off you. She has lost her reasoning ability and is lashing out as she loses control of her life. Try not to confront her head on, but find a way to introduce things indirectly.

There is one thing that your sister does need to be forceful about -- driving. That is a definite no. Take her keys away and say she can have them back when the doctor tells your sister or you that it is okay to drive. You know that won't happen, so maybe she'll forget about driving soon. It may help if the doctor notifies the DMV to revoke the license. If it was only your mother that might be hurt, it would be one thing, but she could hurt others. Plus she could get lost and end up across the country -- who knows.

Hang in there. I feel for you, since I've been traveling the same road for five years now.
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BMwallace, The best advice you will ever get, for your situation , has already been given ----- when Mom has one of those really bad days , CAll an ambulance and get her to the emergency room. I was given this same advice, when I was at my wits end ! It works ! When I got her to the emergency room, I asked for a social worker ( she was very understanding ) She could observe first hand the behavior , I was dealing with every day. I told her I could not take my loved one home. It was beyond my ability to care for her . They will then work with the family , to find the right place for your Mom . I hope you and your sister are able to do this , before one of you has a breakdown or divorce added to your worries. It is nice to see two sisters working together out of love for each other and Mom. Blessings, Carol
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ALF is the wrong room to be looking for. Your mom needs to be in a NH, where her needs can be met. AL folks are on their own 99% of the time. Have you applied for Medicaid? That is what your mom needs. Good luck and I agree that the stress can kill your sister. (It did mine.)
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I nominate you for Sister of the Year. I'm sorry for everything you and your sister are going through, and for your mother's state of mind too because she can't be having any fun; but I've rarely seen a more supportive approach. Well done.

Does your sister essentially agree with you, or is she trying to put up a fight - suffering from that sort of Stockholm Syndrome that bullied people sometimes get?
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Make an appointment to see the neurologist (you and sis) to review the results. Get your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for medication. And yes, call 911 when she's having a tantrum. She can no longer be cared for safely at home.
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To answer geewiz

My mom does get her social security check. She hasn't forgotten which day of the month it is deposited. Mom had been living in a seniors apartment, based on her income.

My sister and I have discussed using Mom's money to pay someone to come in for a few hours a day 3 days a week.

Yes, I do drive in one Sunday a month and take Mom to church and to lunch. I usually spend about 8 hours with her. During the last visit she became angry with me and wouldn't talk to me or take a leisurely walk with when I suggested it. I try hard not to say anything that might set her off, but sometimes no matter she becomes angry. I can't get her interested in doing anything other than going to church. My sister has tried to get Mom interested in renewing her hobby (knitting), visiting a friend she talks about all the time, exercising (she has an exercise bike I purchased for her), etc. She loves to talk about the past. I indulge, listening to her repeat her stories 5-6 times during each visit.

My sister gives Mom her meds, and she complains to me about it, saying that my sister is hiding her meds from her.

My sister is on her HIPPA and has access to her bank account. Though Mom accuses my sister of taking her money (not true).
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Since your Mom had her own apt, she must have had some income. Can that be used to bring in some help for your sister as an interim move? Depending upon the region of the country, you may be able to get 'companion' services for $10-20/hour. This might buy your sister and her family some 'down time'. Try for someone with experience working with dementia patients.

When you took your Mom to the neurologist did you have her sign the statement that the MD could discuss with you? HIPPA forms are required before the office will address her issues with you. I know I had to make sure my Mom signed all those forms with each new MD.

Have her internist review all of the meds she takes for possible interactions. Is your sister's family sure they are being taken properly? They should be in the control of your sister not your Mom.

Finally, if you look at the alzheimer website, they have great information for families. They have a breakdown of behavior at various stages, diversion tactics, and information about support groups. It would be helpful for both you and your sister to attend some meetings to get a better grasp of things.

Finally, can you go down to your sister's and give some respite care. While temporary, it would mean a great deal to your sister. Good luck.
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Wait until mom is having a really bad day/night and call 911. Once she's at the hospital request a social worker and tell the social worker that sis can't take care of her anymore. The social worker and your sister will need to get your mom on Medicaid (Medicaid, not Medicare) which will pay for a nursing home for your mom.
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Get a social worker. If she has no money and is on Medicare the doctor and help push to get immediate help, and the state will pay for the nursing home. They can also arrange and pay someone (even family member) to care for her in your home.
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^^^^^What she said^^^^^^^
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Your sister can easily die from all this stress. Save your sister and get mom committed asap. The doctor says she can't be alone and he is right.
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