Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

I just went through this in February. Mom has been living with me since August as her dementia was progressing and she could not care for herself. In mid January she got a bad UTI, ended up in the hospital for six days and just couldn't fight any longer, then we brought her home to pass, which she did a week later. I would not change it for the world. I would give anything to hold her hand for five more minutes, to stroke her hair one more time, to tell her again what a great mom she was and how much I loved her, to pray over her....... To have her family by her side as she took her last breath in the comfort of her own room, this is what she would have wanted and I would do it all over again.

While it was my DH and not a parent, I have no regrets keeping him home with me. As you stated, Hospice will come in and bring a hospital bed so the patient isn't dying in one of your beds. It was a lot easier on DH being home for his last days.

My father lived in a trailer in my front yard - again, Hospice provided a hospital bed so he didn't die in his bed - that helped because my neighbor wanted the bed and was relieved to hear Pop wasn't in it when he passed. The trailer remained in my front yard for almost a year before we were given permission to have it moved (Probate). I was thankful to be able to keep him at home until he passed.

Yes, I have memories - of love. He was so thankful and I got to witness his passing when my mother came for him. I shall never ever forget the profound look of joy on his face when she came for him - he missed her so much, she passed 7+ years earlier.

For my father, the hospital bed was delivered maybe an hour before he passed. Don't be afraid of memories. Personally, I believe if you do the best you can and you make peace before they pass - apologizing for any shortcomings and mistakes made along the way - it is a most beautiful experience.

You know, I the more I read the more I think that people's experiences with hospice are one of the main factors that can differentiate between a good death in the home and a nightmare, coupled with how drawn out and traumatic the actual dying process is. There is a person on the forum right now who is wracked with guilt over failing to be able to adequately read the signs and relieve her mother's suffering before she died, I gather that the only help available to them was not an RN, and gave bad advice. Not everyone has a peaceful death, and not every hospice provides the necessary support.

It's not the dead I fear, it's all that comes before. My mom developed aspiration pneumonia in the NH, I got a call in the middle of the night that they were unable to maintain her blood oxygen levels and it took her several days to actually die. She had immediate access to oxygen, she had meds given via a subcutaneous cannula, she was basically kept stoned out of her mind and I am grateful it was not up to me to notice and interpret her needs and take the appropriate action because I was totally out of my depth. In the end hers was a fairly peaceful passing, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have experienced a traumatic death and to be confronted constantly by reminders because your home is where it all occurred.

My husband died at home from complications of Parkinson's disease. I called for Hospice about two months before he passed. I'm sorry I waited so long. They were wonderful. So many loving people at such a difficult time.

I had a vision about 3 days before he passed. He was in a firetruck (he was a fireman) and it was in beautiful soft clouds. He was looking out the window and waving goodbye with a beautiful smile on his face.

I took care of him at home with help from a wonderful home health care giver and a friend. It wasn't easy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. He was home with friends and family. The bad memories passed when he did and I owe all my strength to God who carried me through.

No disclosure is required when you go to sell if there was a natural death on the property. The most important thing is caring for your mom while you have her and coming to terms with your fears. She has fears too that are significant regardless of her age and health - try to put aside yours and comfort her while you are she is alive. My husband is in a facility and I grieve daily for many reasons but one is that I can't give him the peace that would come from being cared for and eventually passing in his own home around familiar surroundings and his pets and possessions that he cherished instead of a facility.

Clearly your personal feelings all come into play as well as the health status of the person. Hospice is meant to help someone pass at home where they are most comfortable as has happened for ages...as I recall, wakes used to happen in people's homes too? I think the answer for you is what makes you (and your mother) most comfortable. For me, I hope I do die at home when the time comes; for my parents, who are elder, I hope they pass gently in their sleep and not in some damn hospital or facility. If your parent has an illness, you should get hospice involved as they will be a support and guide you and help with the details.

There is a limit on how much "assistance" an Assisted Living facility can provide. If they think the resident is having a medical crisis, a hospital transfer is likely to happen. This happened to my father and he died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Hospice services can be delivered in a home or in a facility. Your family needs to have an open and honest discussion about this.

My father died here...and mom is on hospice now. Having been through one and coming into another. I have zero fear about it. First, hospice is amazing...they make all the difficult parts easy. As for after, I have had nothing but comfort and warm feelings about dad passing here. No spirits, selling the house. None of that. In fact I stayed in his room the following night to feel close...and it was warm and loving feeling.

Our family has a very weird sense of humor so I am not being disrespectful. When my mom got older and tired of the cold we moved her to our vacation home in Florida and I made her promise that if she felt like she was going "bink" to get outside of the house so as not to die inside my house. It was a lighthearted way of us discussing where she wanted to be at the end, but if we can do what is required to care for her at the end I hope I have the strength to keep her with us.

Have you asked your Mom where she would like to live her last days? If she says at home, ask her what about that is comforting to her. Maybe she just wants to be surrounded by loved ones and some familiar things, if so, then you can certainly recreate that in an assisted living environment. I think that there is no right answer that will fit everyone. I think that dying at home is what most people want. I think I could handle that if the death was a quick one, or if my dad died of a sudden heart attack or severe stroke. It's the long deaths that I think are harder, such as if a parent is no longer taking in any nutrition, I don't know if I could handle that at home, and it would be especially hard if there are children living in the home. In that case, hospice in a facility would be better for me.

By the way, I bought a home once where someone committed suicide. We had the home saged and blessed. It was never an issue for us, if I heard a squeak I'd say "hi Jerry" and move on with my day. My kids were not bothered by it either. I think that real estate agents must tell you if someone committed suicide, but I don't think they are obligated to tell you if someone died a natural death in the home....but I'm not sure about that.

I had fears when I moved my 103 yo aunt in with me...but my love for her over came those fears and when she passed away in my guest room 6 months later, I was only flooded with precious memories and the fact that she was with the ones who loved her most when she went to be with the Lord. I would caution anyone tho....moving a loved one in is the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I could ever do it again. Prayers for wisdom and discernment as you care for your mom...

My mom was in hospice care, at her home, which is about 300 feet behind mine. Once her health declined, which happened in less than 2 weeks, we ordered a hospital bed and had an ambulance do an assisted lift, to move her to my home. She passed away 12 days later. I have no stigmas or misgivings about my mom passing away, in my home. We were all by her side when she took her last breath. My kids were 10 and 14 at the time and they have handled things very well. I think it’s important to have a healthy view of death and to appreciate the moments that we have with our family while they are with us, on earth. And if she wants to come “visit”, we’ll I guess we will cross that bridge. I personally hope that she is dancing on streets of gold and that this ugly world is just a memory for her.

My son died here in my house ... my daughter in her house in another state. My mother in her independent living apartment. My father in a nursing home. My fatherinlaw in a hospital. My motherinlaw in a nursing home.

i think if you feel uncomfortable you should not have your mom at home.

Try not to do something youll feel uncomfortable about later.

there were be enough why-didnt-i later.

I am very unafraid...and this surprises me a little bit. My relationship to death really changed when my parents died. Why would they want to scare me? They absolutely wouldn’t. I hope I get to die at home. You’ll be ok.

For me, personally, I'd prefer my mom to die at home. She'd be more comfortable here than in the hospital or AL and I'm not the superstitious type. However, I have a disabled adult child who suffers with several mental health and neurological issues and it could cause her problems since she does have vivid dreams.

I know that at some point my mom will have to go into AL or MC as her age and dementia/ALZ progresses, but it's not something I look forward to, despite how hard it already is to deal with her at home. Each of us needs to decide what is best for ourselves, our family and our loved one. And prepare ourselves in case nature steps in on it's own time line. ❤

Needhelpwithmom..
With Hospice you can do what you want.
I wanted my Husband at home. I think he would have hated being taken to a hospital to die. The Hospice facility is BEAUTIFUL, I am there almost everyday as a volunteer but it was not his home.
So you have a choice.
You can stay in your home
or
If you truly do not want your loved one to die at home this is something that you can discuss with Hospice.

Hospice also has volunteers that go through Vigil Training. These volunteers at almost a moments notice will come to your house and sit with you, sit with your loved one until they die so you will not be alone when the death occurs. This could take 1 day, 2 days or more they will come in shifts if need be. They will make phone calls to the Hospice office so a trained person will come out and make all the calls that need to be made and they will "pronounce" the death. So you do not have to be worried about being alone when your loved one dies.

With Hospice the decision is ALWAYS up to the patient and the family.

My Dad is currently ignored by his GP and emergency services. His fault.

He went through a phase of phoning 999 and asking for an ambulance when there was pretty much nothing wrong, they'd take him to hospital, check him over and send him home. Then he tried same with his GP and they've stopped coming out.

Then he did it to me. (I live 20 miles away). He'd phone me and pretend he had chest pains or something. He didn't. In the end, it happened so often I had to ignore it too.

I always say we'll probably find him dead in his chair one day and say "Oops he was ill this time!". I know its not really funny...... But what can I do?

Honestly, if I jumped every time he claimed it was an emergency I would have lost my job, got divorced, and no longer see my kids by now.

I had a feeling that my dad had died so checked the internet to find that he'd died a few days before. He was a difficult person and estranged from everyone except his second wife so no one knew he was in his last days.

When I was at college I went home with a friend to stay with her parents on their farm for the weekend. They seemed to eat nothing but butter, meats and gravy and her father looked grey and overweight. In my mind's eye I pictured a gray spot around his liver and knew that he'd be dead in two weeks. I was horrified at my thoughts. Two weeks later my friend went home from college because her dad had suddenly been diagnosed with liver cancer and died.

My father died at home in his favorite chair two years ago nearly to the day. I found him when I came home (I lived with him) from work later that night. I beat myself up for not seeing the signs before I left that morning. I went over everything that happened with him from several months before that terrible day up to the morning he died, over and over in my mind. I realized, at one point, that my dad died the way he wanted. He hated hospitals. He was watching one of his favorite tv channels and had the paper in his lap when he fell off to sleep permanently. He loved his home and there are many memories of him and my family here. I am glad he was able to meet death in the place he would have wanted it most. A few months later I visited my uncle in the hospital on his death bed. It was terrible. He was unconscious and hooked up to many machines and had tubes in and out of him everywhere imaginable. He looked like the Bionic man rather than my uncle. I know my uncle didn't like this at all and I am at peace to know he is likely with my dad in that other world. I thanked God then and there that my father did not die this way. It would have been unimaginable to witness. I have since had a few 'incidents' which tells me my father's spirit lives on. It hurt a lot in the first few days and weeks after his death to be at home where he passed. Every little thing he held or used in his daily life became like a museum masterpiece though they were ordinary objects. These things took on a reverential status because the person I once loved and took care of used them and he is gone from my life. I find comfort in being at home where all our memories are and I'm not 'spooked' at all by the thought of his ghost though I know other people feel very uneasy about such things. My father died suddenly and though there were signs I should have paid closer attention to, nobody expected it to happen. But if he were to wind up having a condition that produced much pain for him and the hospital would be better for him in terms of handling that pain, then I would wish for him to be there unless he really objected. My grandmother also died in her apartment where she lived with my mom. She was receiving hospice care and was surrounded by her children and some grandchildren (including me) when she passed. It was tough to watch as she had that familiar 'death rattle' and seemed to be fighting to let go. But, I don't think she would have wanted to die in a hospital surrounded by mostly strangers. In the end, how, where and when we die is out of our hands for the most part. I think it depends on how your parent feels about that subject and how comfortable you are with death and what comes in the days and months afterwards. I hope you find peace in coming to an answer.

This has been an interesting question and the answers are all over the place. Back in my dad's childhood it was natural to have the body of the deceased lay in the casket at home while family members stayed with the body until burial. People experienced much more death back then that the fear that hangs over death wasn’t as palpable as it is now. We are pretty far removed from death. I think it boils down to how you personally feel about death. As I’ve gotten older and sense my mortality now and being around my dad, I’m much more matter of fact about it. I think having a healthy perspective of death is important and it helps me accept it now. Were my husband to suddenly die in our home from say an accident or cardiac event, I would not be bothered living there. Death is just a transition from this life...the body is just a container.
My mom died in their bed of a brain tumor with hospice. I had no issues being in their home after or sleeping there. Neither did dad.
i hope you can work through this.

Death is going to be hard no matter where they are. Hospice can provide analgesics to reduce unpleasant symptoms such as pain and nausea. However, home is also considered a haven of safety. Most probable it depends on the person dying. My mom has end-stage Alzheimer's and I doubt she will survive the year; she will be 90 in August. I hope she makes it at least that long. Because she is confused ALL the time, a hospital setting would not be comforting. The strange sights, sounds, people coming and going, bells and whistles going off..would most probably cause her distress. The familiarity of home and her routines will bring comfort. So she will die at home when that time comes (she is currently under hospice, but I do all of her care which is considerable).

A person still cognizant (such as dying of cancer but mind still intact) may prefer to die in a hospital because they feel safer in a medical establishment even though they are dying.

Depends on the individual and condition. However, for the family death will **NOT** be easy no matter where they are. But remember once they do die..their suffering will be OVER. They pain is forever gone. Yours on the other hand has only begun with the terrible mourning process..because you are still among the living.

When there is life there is suffering. Remember that. Their suffering is over. You will have to deal with your own suffering and loss---and somehow forge your own life back together.

As someone said so beautifully in this thread, everyone is different. I think it may depend on the relationship you have or had with the person who is dying. I have friends here in Sarasota who adored their father, mother and were very comfortable with having a loving goodbye in their home. My mother, as I have said before, was a pretty bitter narcissist and I would not have been comfortable at all with her dying here at home. Listen to your heart. These good people in this site are flowers of information. God bless you.

I hope my father does die here with me, in his own bed. I hope he is well enough (if you see what I mean) to die in peace surrounded by his own things and not in an institution.

I feel it's harder to have a loved one pass at home rather than in a facility.  My mom passed young in a hospital, she wasn't aware of her surroundings, at the time my dad tried to bring her home, but she was so close, the hospital didn't recommend it.  I felt that was the best thing under those circumstances.  My dad could not have handled it.  Not everyone has the help they need, or a big family standing by to help. My husband passed at 53 at our home from Glioblastoma.  I didn't want him to pass alone in a hospital.  He was aware of his surroundings and everything that was  going on, even setting up in bed until the very day before he passed, I didn't want him to be alone at all through it.  He fell into the sleep phase for one day and then passed in the middle of the night.  My dad lives with me now, has advanced prostate cancer that he will pass from, and I will admit him to a hospice facility when it gets close, because I cannot go through that pain again.  Even though you can have hospice come to your home, you are still on your own to some degree, it does depend on the level of what the family or caregiver can handle and how much family you have helping, I've always been pretty much on my own, small family and I only have my dad and two daughters now.  My husband passed in the middle of the night next to me, it was heartbreaking, hospice not there.  I don't regret following through with promises my husband and I made to each other, even though we had to fulfill that promise so young, but it is not something everyone can handle.  As far as ghosts and memories and things like that, I moved to our guest room because our old room just isn't a happy place for me, and my grandson who my husband didn't get to meet, he passed before he was born, our little grandson found his way to my master bedroom which I use for storage now, and he was having a conversation with my rocking chair in the corner of the room, hadn't seen him do anything like that before or since.  So who knows, both my daughter and I walked into the room and watched this, a little shaken by it, all I can say is our little man was in a happy conversation with the rocking chair in the corner, and he has no idea is grandpa passed in that room.  So who knows.  Overall, I would not recommend to anyone who has doubts about a loved one passing in their home, to think it through and if there are still doubts, then probably should not do it. 

Please don't worry. I was with my aunt in her home when she passed, my mom in her house when she passed, my dad when he passed in the hospital (in the hospice unit) May 18th, and with my special needs sister when she passed Dec. 27th in my home. It sounds scary...it sounds awful, but as many have said...it's a beautiful experience. Don't worry about this, just do what you feel you need to do...and I promise, it will be OK. All of my family is gone...and I feel honored to have been with each of them as they crossed over....it will be OK. Love Love Love

My friend cared for her husband at home. He had a brain tumor and was in a lot of pain. One night he said he didn't think he could go on any longer and she reassured him that he didn't need to worry about her anymore (he was one of those stand up guys who wanted to make sure he took care of everything before his life ended) He died that night, she woke up right as he passed. The way she described it was very touching and quite beautiful. She felt very blessed to have been by his side when he died.

I remember being in a house with an aunt that I could intuit was near death. I remember staying up all night listening to her tortured breathing. I felt quite afraid she was going to die on my watch, but no one else seemed too worried. I knew there were people on the way out to visit and I really wanted her to hang on. She ended up being able to visit her with family for the last time and died a few weeks later. But I do remember feeling quite worried about the whole thing. Maybe it had to do with the unfinished business she felt she had.

I think if someone has led a good life and is ready to leave earth on peaceful terms, it would still be sad but also a beautiful thing to be present at their passing. I've
been at people's bedside when they weren't ready to go and it was hard to know the right thing to say or do. I imagine it would be different when someone is truly ready.

If you're concerned about being in a home that a relative died in, I think that's an aspect of ... brainwashing. My own inclination stemmed from that, that it's bad to have a home someone's died in, having to declare that fact when the house is for sale, and so on.

But that changed with my current house. It's an old log house and dates back to the early 1900s. The icon for this home died in hospital, but one day when I was concentrating on her as I "stirred" with a very old spoon I'd just found--worn to a point from decades of her cooking and stirring--and she appeared!

She "stood" behind me with her right arm over mine, which is what I saw up close and personal. I can still see the little old woman's hand and the red cotton sleeve dotted with tiny white flowers. Then she disappeared. I was shocked and scared because it was so unexpected, but I was so honored that this icon who I admired appeared to me, I just wept. Took me years before I could tell that story and not be a weepy mess. Even now I have to wipe tears.

But after that I'm not afraid of a spirit.

After that experience I got a phone call from a woman wanting to stay in my place (it's a B&B) and she only goes to places that are haunted and wanted to know if my place was haunted. I said, "no." I was actually offended, because I had learned the difference between "haunting" (a negative) and a kind spirit (a positive) who didn't deserve to be treated as a callous spectacle. I'm no longer concerned.

When Mom died last year, I wasn't concerned about her passing in her home. If her spirit is there, it's a benevolent and kindly spirit.

I am sitting right now in the spot where my mother died about 8 months ago. She was in a hospital bed in her living room (now my living room) and I placed my desk in the same spot where her hospital bed had been.

We owned the home together, although I didn't live in it full time until the last weeks of her life. Like others have said, I had trouble entering what had been her bedroom and her bathroom. I didn't want to disturb her stuff or invade her privacy, even after her death. Eventually, I had to do it though. Not only am I the homeowner but I'm also the administrator of her estate. Finally I invited friends to stay with me for a while, and I had to clear out my mother's bathroom, nightstand, closet, etc to make room, and to remove her personal items from anyone else's view.

I was here in the house when my mother died and while she was dying, and it was very hard. Hard to be responsible for her care and her comfort. Emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting. I have bad memories and good memories of that time. However, I am glad we didn't place her in a hospice facility. She wanted to be at home, and I wanted to take care of her hands-on, not see her for an hour or so per day while other people attended to her care.

I'm not uncomfortable being here. I have my mother's ashes in a polished wooden box in my bedroom, displayed on the top shelf of my bookcase. She still has a place here, and an influence. I'm sort of comforted by that. It's been a long process, but if I were to sell my mother's house, it won't be because she died in it.

My hubs will freak out if mom dies in the house, but I think he is more afraid being the one to FIND her.. My Great Grandmother outlived 3 husbands, and always told us kids that she saw each hubs the night after he passed. She was not alarmed or bothered by this, in fact I think she was comforted. Our house has "odd spots", and our dogs tend to stare at the spot in the foyer where dad used to stand and watch the deer. Doesn't bother me all. Mom is welcome by me at least to pass where she was loved and cared for.

My father died in my home (we shared one). I am so glad he was able to die at home. He was on hospice and it was very peaceful, and he was comfortable in familiar surroundings.

To me death is not something to fear for either myself or my loved ones. Early death, or painful death, yes that is incredibly hard. But if you are born, you will die and I don't think that is bad. And to be able to die in familiar surroundings I think would be very comforting and for me that is what I would wish for myself or a family member.