Disappointed with family and friends during my dad's time of need. Does anyone have a view on this?

Oh, dear, nursing home visits are the saddest. You see the real “end” and no one wants to face it ahead of time. Perhaps taking your father out for short visits to his friends’ home or meeting them for lunch would be more cheerful on him as well as on them. The nursing home environment can be depressing but maybe an outside environment can make the visits more pleasant.

LiloLil: Imho, you should include these individuals when the time comes. If you weren't to include them, you may regret it as perchance, they really meant no harm.

What would your father want in the way of funeral? Go that route. It's the last thing that you will do (as he wished) for him.

The friends his age may not get out much. Got used to avoiding crowds. Hard to see their own demise. Many don't even go to the funerals. Call his dear friends and let them know when it is, then splinter the group if you still have negative feelings - service and private lunch burial for the family.

You are emotional because he's your dad. I would want his friends to be there for him and emotionally invested like me, but may not be that way for the friends. Let it go. Give him your best and that's all you can really do.

Memorial services and funerals are not for the dead; they are for the living. Plan on a service that is special for you and his other loved ones. Do whatever will be most meaningful for you and them. The goal is to celebrate his life and find peace in loving memories.

You will be disappointed if you expect certain family or friends to be at hand when someone is ill, esp if the LO is terminally ill. Many people are afraid or in denial and they cannot cope emotionally with the reality of the illness.

It seems like excluding friends or family who disappointed you just perpetuates your anger. You won't do well if you invite people under duress, but if you can open your heart to anyone who loves your brother, maybe you can invite them without resentment.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post. I have softened my thoughts towards those that haven’t shown friendship. I am supported by those of you that say the funeral is for the living and to do what I feel will be right for me. There is not one solution that fits all sides, but I have solution that feels right. The funeral will be held back in his birth town, where his school best friend, brother, nieces, nephews, and my godparents still live. It won’t be a private funeral, everyone is welcome, but I don’t expect the friends who wouldn’t/couldn’t visit him in the Care Home to come. The place I have chosen is where he has requested for his final resting place for his ashes - where my mothers ashes were scattered. He will be going home. X

May I gently suggest that while you have received responses from them that don't sit well with you - you still may not know the real reason why they didn't visit. I'm a firm believer in "you don't really know what is happening in another person's life unless you are living it". They may be telling you "out of sight, out of mind" but they may be living something else very private in their own health that they don't want to share. Same with "I don't go that way often". That could also be code for "I just can't handle seeing him there" because it reminds them that they could end up in a care home too.

My grandmother is a big fan of complaining that her friends never call her. "I'm a widow and they never call me". What she forgets is that all of her friends are also widows and she never calls them either. I recognize this isn't your situation, but I guess my point is that often friendships can just naturally start to dwindle as we age unless tons of effort is put into them because of everyone's own personal situation.

My best advice is to do your best to let the anger go. These same people may not be able to get to a funeral either. They may not physically be able to come, or may be worried about COVID exposure. Or may not be able to face it. Or a myriad of reasons. This isn't a measure of your father. Or you. Or even of them. It's just life. If you want to have a funeral, have a funeral. If they show up, recognize that they showed up and respect that. They are there to show respect to and honor your father just as you are.

You ask if you are too emotionally involved - of course you are - and that's perfectly natural - this is your father you are talking about and you are hurt that they haven't visited. BUT, I suggest that you take a deep breath and recognize that they may have their own reasons that you may never know and try to let it go. But I wouldn't try to block them from a funeral just to prove something. If you WANT a private funeral, that is what you should do. If you WANT a regular funeral that is what you should do. Don't let your anger drive this. End of Life planning and grief do funny things to people and you don't want to look back and regret that you did certain things out of anger because you didn't feel that his friends did the right thing in the midst of a global pandemic when they may have had things going on that you didn't know anything about (or maybe they don't - but that isn't what matters - even if they don't - they have their reasons).

It is important if for no other reason that you let go of the anger you are feeling and deal with your grief in regards to your father. His friends have to deal with their own grief and any missteps they may or may not have taken along the way. But don't let this eat you up, there isn't any reason to focus on it.

You said you are looking for a reality check and are wondering if your anger is misplaced. Yes, you need a reality check. Yes, your distress is making you angry at innocent old people who honestly owe you nothing, and probably are facing many struggles themselves. Your father’s status is paramount to you and him, of course, but is secondary to everyone else, and that is the way it goes in life.

You said “…in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out…”

You are expecting great kindness and personalized attention from all your dad’s previous friends and acquaintances, forgetting that they too are facing getting old and frail and in ill health, or no longer drive, or don’t have money to squander on fuel and bringing a gift when visiting (yes, older people still adhere to fine manners such as bringing a gift when visiting, and the older friends might be in straightened circumstances and feel unable to visit)

Don’t forget to extend all of your own efforts to be a good friend to the one acquaintance who tried to stay friendly with your dad. You expect big things from the elderly others, so you should be a generous person and extend all that (and more) to the one old friend who actually DID show up. Are you being a solicitous friend to that person? If not, why not?

You quoted “do unto others”. I think a number of us reading here are keen to hear what you’ve been doing for all the other frail elderly people who you are expecting to step up for your father. 

I also read with exasperation that you give your brother “a pass” on not visiting your dad very often. You said he “doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.” That is laughable. Why is your brother’s status given slack and a pass by you AND HE IS A BLOOD RELATIVE, and you don’t give a pass to elderly people who aren’t related?

I'm sorry this is harsh, but I hope it will help you take a step back on lashing out at basically your father’s entire previous world.

"...what I’m saying is that it’s all one sided and only happens if I am involved..."

It's all one sided? Really? Let's see.

"I took him to the pub for a lunch gathering once."
Your dad attended, so did his friends. Everyone put in the effort. How was it ONE sided? Say, if you and some friends of yours met up for lunch somewhere. After that, you think each of one of them now owes you a visit because you showed up? Didn't they show up, too? How about you owe each of them a visit because they showed up?

"I took him to the funeral of a close friend just 3 months ago."
Well, I hate to agree, but yes, this is one sided as the dead friend can't get up and go visit your dad even if he wanted to. But for you to expect a reciprocal gesture is too funny.

"I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely."
How is this even a 'side'? You wrote, and you requested.. Neither you or your dad visited them or did anything FOR them. You just wrote and requested something FROM them.

You said you have softened your thoughts towards his friends. Hmmm..., I think your thoughts are still VERY UNREASONABLE.

Not to be all harsh and no compassion, It is very evident that you love your dad a great deal and all you can think about is him and how to lessen his suffering. You are a good daughter.

I believe I get the spirit in which you're asking this question. My mom now lives with me and she's fully cognizant but most of her friends have also lost touch with her. She's called them two or three times and they never call her back (some are friends for over 40 years and in a good healthy condition). They seem very happy when she calls and they talk for a long time, but they never call her. People who have promised to come see her or call don't and she's always very disappointed and I'm sure she's hurt. And I can understand that. You simply want him to be happy and feel that others care about him because you're right there and he's your dad.

I try to remind mom that everyone has so much going on these days. They are not sitting in a room watching tv as she is and ostensibly have hours and hours to think while alone, but have grandchildren coming and going, going on vacations and just have the normal stresses and concerns of every day life, COVID, etc. I tell her that I'm sure they care about her but that life has a way of getting away from you and the best intentions are soon honestly forgotten or put off. I tell myself that as well and my therapist has often said not to have expectations of others (although I admit I do with my siblings who never help and go out of their way, seemingly, to cause trouble which is a whole different story. I was told they WOULD help at least one day a week two years ago when I took this on and none of that has happened but they do constantly have time to complain). But I digress . . .

Anyway, I think that that is just the way of life. I would ask your father's friends to any services when it comes to that, as you don't really know what's in their hearts. My own mother cannot deal sometimes with talking to my elderly aunt on the phone when she is "out of it" as it makes her very sad and afraid for my aunt and herself. And she means no harm by it but tries her best. She gets carsick in a car for more than a 10 minute ride, and is embarrassed by having accidents. All of these can also play into your dad's friends situations, as an example.

I know you wish better for him and that in this time he is surrounded by those that he loved and that they would confirm he is cared about. You believe it would help you both feel better and want your father to have known he was loved and cherished. I'm sure he does because he has you there worrying for him. But all you can really do is the best you can yourself do. I am learning that more and more and trying to let go the frustration I feel with my own family. You can only live your life and do the things you think are right and your conscience tells you to do. And the others have to do what theirs tell them. And somehow make peace with that. I would let them come to the services and find their own peace with the situation as well. Best wishes . . .

My Daddy went into an assisted living home just before the pandemic hit. Once it hit I was not allowed to enter. Background, I made sure he was in a home close to me and family and friends, 15 minutes total travel time both ways. I saw him three times a day, everyday. I told his friend, good friend, he never visited. I told his children, two out of three visited. Then bam pandemic, I was not allowed in I could not see him, one month later he was in the hospital having his toe amputated because he was not watched very good. Fine, accepted. Two months later after surgery and rehab I had to place him in a different home because the first home did not want to deal with wound care coming in. Bam found a place 30 minutes away and three out of three visited. No friends. Fine accepted. I visited everyday. He got worse his Alz got the better of him and when he could not get out of bed anymore I had him brought home. People who wanted to visit the five days he was there were welcome. I knew that people had schedules and could not visit that long way away. I also knew that I wanted him in his home to graduate. I wanted to be right there the same I was with my Mama. No one visited my mother when she was sick either. There were over 100 at her funeral even her bestest friend who had MS. At my Daddys there would have been more had he not died during the pandemic but I know in my heart his friends loved him and he loved his friends. Just know people are not going to drive 30 minutes for a 15 minute visit when people have dementia or Alz because of the issues with those diseases. You don't need a big ol' reception after. I had a small one at the house and if they came they came if they didn't fine.
hugs and prayers

I can imagine how you feel. Same thing happened to me. I lived the closest and got most of the grief and difficulties that the NH had with Mom and when Mom likewise was difficult with me. My family didn't want to hear about it. Unfortunately, when it came the final week, one of my siblings who refused to visit was the first one that showed up and any time I might have had with Mom when she was on her way out was ruined. They didn't want anything to do with her while she was still alive, but butted into my time left with her. I sometimes wish I'd never have notified them. I needed their support before and they didn't want to hear about it. Why should I have notified them during her final week?