Did you have experience with a sibling that expected to be taken care of even after your parents demise?

Yep. Unraveling as we speak. I cannot say that my youngest (of the family) brother actually "expects" to be taken care of but -- Mom is in a nursing home now for six months. They were roommates, sort of (he lived with her temporarily, in between whatever), but that turned into permanent when mom's memory loss became apparent. Then he was like her caregiver. She didn't really need care but she liked having him around. He's her baby. They took care of each other. And that's fine. But then my sister (next door) sent her to the nursing home (prematurely). My brother agreed. Whatever was he thinking, oh my! Now he has to fend for himself. Now, is now.

I would not say anything to the siblings beforehand. 1) that causes strife when there need not be any- patents could change executor at anytime. 2) you would only do what was legal under advisement from an attorney or probate judge. There may be a will you don't know about by then.

When both parents are gone due diligence and probate will have to be done (probably you). Sell everything thing, move your sister out, disperse the funds then leave.

NeedHelpWithMom: Thanks for agreeing with my post!

GO FOR YOU!!!  - send in Willy Coyote to take care of them - enjoy your freedom

Gremlin,

I understand your pain and your worry. I have a brother who literally never left home. He has helped my parents, but also manipulated them, spent a lot of their money and exposed them to unnecessary risk by executing financial transactions in their names. Among other things. The situation is not black and white. But I digress. Many of us have these long histories with our siblings, memories of dark or chaotic times and tender flanks that we need to protect. Parents may have done their best but enabled lots of unhealthy dependency, out of shame or a desire to avoid conflict with a volatile personality. All of that can limit our own vision of how people may or may not have evolved, and what is critical for the current situation. I have yet to master the calm acceptance of my own situation, but I remind myself regularly not to project too far into the future. Doing that assumes I'm fully in charge of all these other adults, and that I know what the future will bring. But I'm not and I don't. I AM capable of behaving with kindness and making good, decisions now, based on what is happening now. I am capable of setting my own boundaries and accepting the consequences of those boundaries.

Don't take on the burden of worrying for your siblings. That was your parents' job when they raised you all. You're all responsible for yourselves now. You get to decide how much or how little of them you want in your life going forward.

Good luck!

My SIL was unable to handle money, had houses repossessed that her daddy bought for her outright that she'd mortgaged, and had daddy pay off her $50k credit card bills annually. He died and my hubby, good at saying no, is executor. The house was left to her and a specific large amount of $, but she only gets the $ after everything else is settled. Amazing, she's suddenly able to have a job with positive cash flow, moved to a new house, and hasn't declared bankruptcy. Proved she was manipulating all along.

Make people responsible for themselves and some will rise to the occasion.

Not sure about your exact situation. But, here's my take on it and how I deal with it with my sister. Whatever happened in the past, when the parents were cognizant, is between them and the sibling(s). But things are different, now that Mom has dementia and other health problems. However, the siblings still expect that things continue happening they way they did before. But it's a different situation now. So, do what you know is the right thing to do for your parents. And let them grow up and figure it out, which they will. I hope you find peace of mind. You deserve it.

Gremlin, walk away. My mom passed on March 1st with me by her side after I moved 1k miles, left a career and gave up my life to care for her for 4 years. She was often very unkind to me and the dementia was off the charts. Still, I loved her, sacrificed all and stayed until the end. Meanwhile, entitled and lazy sister who mom did evrything for and adored never worked a day in her life and never lifted a finger to help with mom even though she lived in the same town. Even at the end, she never even asked about mom or took my calls once she knew she could no longer take money from mom. Now that mom has passed, she is being evicted since she hasn't paid rent (though she had the money and I warned her)and even gave her my money. She spent it all shopping. She gets a fat check for the rest of her life and has her entire life without having to do a thing. She actually had the nerve to call me the other day and tell me I needed to co-sign for a new apt for her, I told her, you know that mom passed and I've been trying to call you, left notes for you, etc. Her response: yea, yea..Not one word about mom or her passing. I said: absolutely not on the co-signing. She promptly hung up. I've tried and tried to help her but then realized that I, like my mom, was being manipulated and enabling her. I'm middle aged and physically, financially and emotionally spent after years of being a caregiver and need to find a job and rebuild my life. I sobbed the night of her call-heart broken that she didn't even care about mom. I spoke with the Social worker who I've been working with to help my sister. She told me: Walk Away. Your Sister will destroy what is left of your life. She does not want help-just handouts. In fact, it was suggested that I have a discreet law enforcement officer at the funeral next week should my sister show up and create a disturbance. Very Sad. All I can do is pray my sister gets help. Blessings to everyone on this site. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

After securing your parents' will, bye bye to the moochers, unfortunately.

There is a difficult issue worth thinking about, unfortunately. If a sibling can establish that they have been dependent on a parent, they may be able to challenge a will or a trust to get more from the estate or trust. If they have been living in the parents’ house for a reasonable time, and/or there is a fair amount of money involved, it might be worth getting some legal advice before the time comes to settle the estate.

My dad was always the "go to guy" for a lot of my extended family.. he was an only child ( as I am) but helped out a lot of moms nieces . When he passed, ( and even before) I often got calls about "loaning a car, or helping out with bills" When he passed, I took care of those who helped MOm and dad, and told the rest I was "not in a current position" to assist them. I actually have a cousin who is great at "grifting".. she asked hubs and I to buy her son a car for HS graduation because he was going to go to trade school and "needed it".. She asked us to "loan " her a SUV because she had a daycare and needed it to ferry kids around.. She requested a loan from my mom, and was going to ask my Aunt when I said no.. but I headed that off. Sometimes you have to be the hard arse and just say no!! She and her hubs have a beautifuly decorated home,, and entertain a lot (thank you FB).. They learn to make do! And don't feel guilty!

Adios! Be kind and tell them reality now and be clear, with obvious signs you won’t be there so they’ll start finding new people to take care of them. Even if they wait until the last minute.....keep offering help but don’t give in. Unless you really want to. God bless

Oh my, can I relate!

My oldest brother, who is younger than me, has only had a car twice in his life. He has always had to rely on public transportation or beg people to give him a ride - because he refuses to get a full-time job - only part time - in a very seasonal profession. He is a floral designer. And has never worked for high end florists because they want someone to work full time. So he has always been short on cash. Although, he doesn’t manage his money well even when he does have it.

Fast forward to him and his partner moving to the same city as my mother and I. She had been living with me for 9 months because she was not taking her meds, was not eating, and began having falls. It almost wrecked my marriage.

My brother moved into my mother’s house with the express order that he didn’t have to pay rent in exchange for taking care of mom. I took care of all of mom’s affairs, including maintenance on her house and one acre property all by myself while working 40-50 hours a week for 7 years. I was exhausted, but received no offer for help from my two brothers. It was way overdue that someone else took on some of that responsibility.

My youngest brother passed away last year and as soon as older brother found out about the life insurance, before youngest had even been moved to hospice, how him, me, and my mom should split the money equally. Mom was the only beneficiary and he tried to talk her into giving him “his share”. That went nowhere since I am her POA.

Mom has had some major health issues the past couple of months that left me feeling she was at the end of life.

I warned my brother he should start thinking how he is going to support himself and pay for the house expenses and food when mom is gone. He insists he wants to stay in the house. I pay mom’s bills out of her account. Currently, mom is paying for groceries and brother and his partner pay $200 /mo for utilities. Here it is the 19th of April, and I still haven’t received the $200 for this month - due on the 1st.

He is like dealing with a child and I know he will look to me to replace mom when she is gone. I have already told him I’m not supporting him. My husband and I have already done more than our share in helping them with the house that needed some repairs. He calls almost daily asking how to do something. If something goes on with mom, he calls me 10 times a day to discuss the same thing over and over - so half the time I don’t take his calls. Most of the time, he doesn’t leave a message. So I don’t bother calling back.

This has been going on for almost a year now. I have had it!

He will say he understands I can’t support him and won’t, but when the time comes - I’m sure he will think I’m being mean. I don’t care.

I’m going to go against the majority and say that you don’t need to tell your siblings anything. You don’t need to give them notice that you won’t be taking care of them.

This is a great, great country we live in where no one will starve or be on the street if they don't choose to be. Our generous government will take care of your siblings by providing them with free food, free housing, free utilities, free health care, a free cell phone, and will even put a check in the mail to them every month for doing absolutely nothing. So free yourself of the need to feel responsible for them and live your life. Freely.

Your nightmare is my reality. I am the care giver to my brother with advanced dementia and major medical issues. I begged my father to put a trust fund aside for my brother. His wife, my stepmother, said no that she would take care of him and he could stay with her. Well, I think it may have been 2 weeks after my father passed. I get the call to get him out of HER house or she would call the authorities!!! So, I did. At that stage he could live in senior housing - so it wasn't too difficult. I got him all the home care medicare would provide and medicaid, but that has all changed. He was a drug addict all his life and always depended on our father to bail him out - which he did. Now he can't even remember to brush his hair after a shower.
It is a horrible spot to be in. I love my brother, so it isn't the end of the world, but my retirement plans are gone with the wind and I know I harbor resentment over that. My plan was to travel and spend winters in a warmer climate. I worked very hard all my life to be able to enjoy retirement the way I wanted too. I can not do this with the responsiblity I have. I do try to get away for a week each year, but that is getting difficult due to his medical conditions along with the dementia. i.e. he has lost 60lbs of fluids. His dentures literally fall out of his mouth. I have told them on 2 quarterly's that he needs either a new set of relines. He eats in his room every meal and they do not see how he tries to chew. As soon as the surgeon says he can walk a little on his amputation foot I am taking him to an outside dentist for new dentures... I have been searching for a nursing home that has superior monitoring systems, but they are few and far between. If he had straight out dementia I wouldn't worry like I do and won't leave him because he requires more care than they can give. So, we are on the waiting lists...some are 2 years out, but I put him on anyway.
Bottom line is, if you want to help your siblings - do it, but do it because YOU want to. If you don't, don't do it. I would discuss it now and set up perimaters and guidlines should you decide to try helping them and guidelines if you don't. Also, put whatever you discuss on paper with both their signatures and yours. I am guessing money and living arrangements would be involved with caring for them. (I am on my own with that one...our stepmother also took us out of the will.) I think being prepared will help make your decision easier. Do not feel guilty if you decide not to. You are not responsible for them. Your parents are just that - parents - parents do whatever "they" feel is necessary for their kids forever. Stay in control and try not too worry. You have lots of support here.

RUN..RUN as fast as you can. You have only one life and must life your best one. Some people can bring you down with them.. We all hope for a better tomorrow meanwhile each passing day we find ourselves getting older and older. If helping someone gives your life JOY then go all in, but if after you have helped them and all they can say is why didn't you do more its time to break away. I spent a large part of my life caring for someone else only to realize that now I find myself alone and a lot older.. And that's not a great place to be...RUN RUN RUN...

Who is the POA? Make sure it is You, And get Guardian Rights Now over your Parents, so you can take Control of these two Moles, Who NO...Will Not be Helpful at all. They would Need to Shape up or Ship Out.

You are under no obligation to take care of deadbeat siblings! They are adults and are free to make choices. My husband had one sister, she was doted over, worshipped, and given money, cars, etc. no matter that she was a drug addict and had gotten herself into trouble many times, in-laws always bailing her out. My husband never got much attention because he worked hard and did well for himself. The sister,(SIL), even almost cost MIL her home because SIL went bankrupt and the in-laws had stupidly added SIL on the deed to their house! She even had MIL convinced she was dying of an inherited disease gotten from her mother's side to induce guilt to get money, cars, and be given free reign to do whatever she wanted! She could do no wrong and they turned her into a monster. No one was allowed to say anything against the precious princess. Two years ago SIL died of an overdose in MIL's house where SIL was living. Everyone had thought she had straightened out, she fooled everyone. The ultimate narcissistic sociopath. Now my husband is an only child and MIL needs more and more help. Many of our plans have been put on hold, all this after I cared for my bedridden mom 24/7 for 2 yrs. and could use a real break!! MIL is still in some denial of the whole terror of her deadbeat daughter but it comes out in bouts of digestive illnesses. I wonder how much of my husband's heart condition is from worry about all this. Siblings should not suffer their deadbeat sibling's very bad decisions, nor their parent's enabling the deadbeats. You are under no obligation to put them first before yourself!

everybody is an adult and has to take care of themselves and the older you get the more loved ones die off..you are not obligated to take care of your siblings because you have your own life and problems. I assume you did Estate planning with an eldercare attorney. If your mom has property and in her name only everything goes into probate and the nursing home will seize any assets it can get. It's called estate recovery. However, it is so complicated and varies from State to State I know a lot of people AVOID Medicaid like the plague. Even if the state expanded Medicaid for Obamacare subsidies they will invoke estate recovery laws if the recipient is 55 years of age or older to recover costs. Unless you are truly poor, Medicaid is a total and absolute scam.
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/medicaids-power-to-recoup-benefits-paid-estate-recovery-and-liens-12018

I have a half-sister in Texas (I'm in Ohio) -- daughter of my birth parent. She is bipolar with suicidal ideation and has had a major alcohol problem. She is also a professional student. Her parents are both college professors and she has had a complete or near free ride with tuition and she keeps piling up degrees. I was told once that she said she didn't want to get a job until she could get one doing what she'd studied for. As someone who started working at JC Penneys when she was 16 (and I wasn't studying for retail management), I don't share her viewpoint.

I worry about where she'll be when her folks pass ... the one we share is in their 80s and I'm not sure about the other one -- in SNF after a severe bout of alcohol poisoning and has had medical problems that put them in the ER. I have a husband with chronic medical problems and a mother in law who is in AL at the age of 91. I don't have a lot of mental or physical resources (never mind the financial ones) to take on another set of problems. I guess that sounds selfish. I'm sorry.

Thanks, JoAnn.

Makes sense.

When the situation rises, like everyone is together, remind everyone how the Trust reads. Tell the two that have been mooching that they better start getting their act together. That Mom and Dad will not be with them forever. That the house will be sold when they both are gone. That you as a sibling are not responsible for them. That there will be no handouts or living with you. You have warned them and you want to hear no whining when the time comes.

You have then given it to them straight. So when they come begging, just smile. 😁 Really, I don't think you'd allow them to starve. You can just point them in the right directions. Here's the Food Closets in town. Here is Social Service.

JoAnn,

Please explain the difference of an administrator and executor. Any advantage to either of them? Thanks.

Shell,

Unfortunately, some never respond to a wake up call. My brother had many ‘wake up’ calls in his life.

You would think 7 years of prison would have been a giant wake up call! You would think overdosing would have done it!

You would think a horrible accident where he just about died would have made a difference! You would think loosing your wife and kids would have been enough, right?

You would think having your son attempt suicide would do it, huh? My nephew later did hang himself. And on and on and on.

His drug problem was bigger than any wake up call. Much larger than he was. So devastating to me. Sometimes I am overcome with sadness. I have to distract myself or I would remain in the dark place that was my fate as a child but as an adult I have choices!

Bottom line is that while we can try to influence someone in the right direction, we do not have the power to change anyone! People have to want to change. End of story. If they are not ready or willing to change we are just spinning our wheels and wasting our time. Trust me, I found that out the hard way! I finally woke up!

Well, you'd better put the safe's access details on your cell phone under the In Case of Emergency info. Sod's Law being what it is.

It's very unusual not to appoint an executor as part of a formal will. Are you sure about that?

I'm just wondering what came up that made you ask this particular question right now.

Fair warning and all that - have you told your siblings they'll be on their own?

It isn't that I think you owe them anything, not a bit of it. But if you can do them some good without its costing you money or trouble, why wouldn't you?

What is the significance of your parents' potentially passing within a year of one another, just by the way? Is this to do with mirror wills, or something? What happens if one lives longer than that?

My siblings have always got by in life with handouts from my mom. The trust she established provides for all of us, but I'm pretty certain they will blow through whatever they inherit fairly quickly and will be at my door with their hands out. I would never let a member of my family be hungry or homeless but it doesn't seem fair that I have to be their safety net because they failed to budget or plan.