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Although I have thought about a future after my parents have passed away, it has been a daily thing over the last eighteen months. With my mother's decline into the sad hell of dementia and move to a nursing home I can feel that future hanging over my head. When that future arrives I have two siblings (out of four) that will find themselves in a very lonely world. A world where nobody is putting them before their own interest as my parents have done all their lives. My brother has left several times but has always returned to his safe harbor. My sister has destroyed the house (hoarder in training) that my parents allow her to live in. The rent they charge her doesn't even cover her bills.


If our parents pass within a year of each other my siblings will look to me and all they will see is the cloud of dust as I roadrunner my way out of here.

We have a very sad story in my family along these lines. My grandmother was the eldest and expected to take care of the whole family as her mother would take to her bed. 5 kids and two parents.

She was not having it and moved across the world in her late 20's.

The next sister Mildred was left to raise her siblings, look after Mum and Dad. The deal was that Mildred would get the family home after her parents were dead and her brother's married. The parents died, but the brothers did not get married until they were in their 40's. The last brother left the nest at age 45. But then he decided he needed the house for his growing family and threw Mildred out of the house that was to be hers.

She was homeless, never had a job outside the home at 50+. A wonderful family hired her to look after their new born adopted twins, then 8 months later the mother gave birth to another set of twins. That wonderful family treated Mildred with the love and care that her family never gave her. In every aspect they were her family. I was lucky to travel back 1/2 way across the world and met Mildred and her chosen family 2 years before she passed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 17, 2019
Sweet ending. Nice when that happens. There is love and mercy in this world. Thanks, Tothil. Your story sends hope.

My brother was homeless too. No one in the family could take in a heroin addict. Haha, one brother is a cop! (Retired captain). He certainly couldn’t take him him.

An old army veteran allowed him to move into an abandoned trailer on his property. He stayed there until end of life hospice. Good thing, he owed the drug dealer so much money in another section of town that had they found him they would have killed him. He died from HepC but he was threatened to be murdered had he not escaped. Dealing drugs isn’t a charity. It’s business. They expect to be paid. They can’t take someone to court to pay a bill. They settle the score with death. Ugly world of drugs and addiction.
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When the situation rises, like everyone is together, remind everyone how the Trust reads. Tell the two that have been mooching that they better start getting their act together. That Mom and Dad will not be with them forever. That the house will be sold when they both are gone. That you as a sibling are not responsible for them. That there will be no handouts or living with you. You have warned them and you want to hear no whining when the time comes.

You have then given it to them straight. So when they come begging, just smile. 😁 Really, I don't think you'd allow them to starve. You can just point them in the right directions. Here's the Food Closets in town. Here is Social Service.
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JoAnn29 Apr 17, 2019
Need, I don't think so. It was described this way to me by a neighbor who had worked for probate.

Executor, is assigned in the Will

If no Executor assigned or no will a family Member or a lawyer can be assigned by Probate to become am Administrator. Who I think has the same responsibilities as an Executor.

Affidavit, is if estate is under 20k (in NJ), no probate involved.
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I have a half-sister in Texas (I'm in Ohio) -- daughter of my birth parent. She is bipolar with suicidal ideation and has had a major alcohol problem. She is also a professional student. Her parents are both college professors and she has had a complete or near free ride with tuition and she keeps piling up degrees. I was told once that she said she didn't want to get a job until she could get one doing what she'd studied for. As someone who started working at JC Penneys when she was 16 (and I wasn't studying for retail management), I don't share her viewpoint.

I worry about where she'll be when her folks pass ... the one we share is in their 80s and I'm not sure about the other one -- in SNF after a severe bout of alcohol poisoning and has had medical problems that put them in the ER. I have a husband with chronic medical problems and a mother in law who is in AL at the age of 91. I don't have a lot of mental or physical resources (never mind the financial ones) to take on another set of problems. I guess that sounds selfish. I'm sorry.
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DesertGrl53 Apr 18, 2019
Not selfish. Sensible. IMO.
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I often wonder what my brother will do after our parents are gone. He is 35 and hasn’t had a job in over 10 years. He has a 9th grade education. No high school diploma or GED. My parents have enabled him for years. He won’t apply for jobs—there’s always an excuse, either he’s got something planned (what could be more important than getting a job? To him, everything is more important than that!) or he uses his lack of education as an excuse. He won’t get his GED or go to a trade school even though my mom is willing to pay for it. He’s an alcoholic. Also has some mental health issues. I kind of hope my parents outlive him. Otherwise, I’m going to have to be the bad guy and have him thrown out of the house. With no job, it’s not like he’ll be able to pay for the upkeep of the house, the taxes & insurance and the utilities. I sure as heck am not going to financially support him. And no way in heck will he “grow up” when mom & dad are both gone. Just not going to happen. I wish it would but dang, if I recall correctly, it has been 13-14 years since he worked? And he was working as a valet at a casino. That’s his only work experience. He’s been enabled for far too long. He doesn’t know how to live without my parents.

Now that I think about it, I sure hope my mom doesn’t expect me to take care of my brother! I know my dad doesn’t. If it was up to him, my brother would have been cut off a long time ago! Don’t care what anyone says, I am under no obligation to take over the role of enabler and take care of my brother. Family or not, I owe him nothing. I’ll help him get a job and encourage him to get his GED and help pay for schooling if he is serious about it but other than that, he will be on his own and out of our parents house when the time comes. And honestly with our parents health issues, it really does blow my mind that he is content living under their roof without a dime to his name. With no plan for the future. Maybe he thinks he is going to inherit a fortune when they die? Our parents aren’t rich, there are no cash assets, just their house that I have to sell per the family trust agreement and we’ll split the money 50/50. He will blow through the money so fast! I just don’t understand why he’s not planning for the future. He knows mom and dad won’t live forever! If he thinks he/we will get our parents monthly income which is around $7k a month.....he is in for a big surprise!

I’m with you. When mom & dad are gone, i’ll be a roadrunner in a cloud of dust too!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 17, 2019
Sorry Cali,

I understand. My brother is dead due to his lifestyle. Very hard to think about. Loved him as a brother, hated the addict.

I know my dad would have handled things differently and he got caught between a rock and a hard place (mom and brother). Mom made excuses for him but deep down knew. I think it’s easy for parents to deny if it’s painful to accept the truth.

I cared for my brother but had to cut him off. Did make peace with him before dying. Did forgive him. I wouldn’t allow him to move into my home as he wished to. Can you imagine the nightmare that would have been? Geeeez, I would be in a mental institution if I had done that!
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My SIL was unable to handle money, had houses repossessed that her daddy bought for her outright that she'd mortgaged, and had daddy pay off her $50k credit card bills annually. He died and my hubby, good at saying no, is executor. The house was left to her and a specific large amount of $, but she only gets the $ after everything else is settled. Amazing, she's suddenly able to have a job with positive cash flow, moved to a new house, and hasn't declared bankruptcy. Proved she was manipulating all along.

Make people responsible for themselves and some will rise to the occasion.
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bettina Apr 21, 2019
Smart!
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Hi Gremlin
In some cases I’ve seen that when the enabler passes, the sibling grew up.
DH younger sister and her three children were shameless. The two grown granddaughters would show up with hands out when MIL SS check arrived. It was a tough transition for them but they are still kicking and employed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 17, 2019
97,

Oh yeah, funny how they can always remember when that check arrives!
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Bottom line is that while we can try to influence someone in the right direction, we do not have the power to change anyone! People have to want to change. End of story. If they are not ready or willing to change we are just spinning our wheels and wasting our time. Trust me, I found that out the hard way! I finally woke up!
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RUN..RUN as fast as you can. You have only one life and must life your best one. Some people can bring you down with them.. We all hope for a better tomorrow meanwhile each passing day we find ourselves getting older and older. If helping someone gives your life JOY then go all in, but if after you have helped them and all they can say is why didn't you do more its time to break away. I spent a large part of my life caring for someone else only to realize that now I find myself alone and a lot older.. And that's not a great place to be...RUN RUN RUN...
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Gremlin, walk away. My mom passed on March 1st with me by her side after I moved 1k miles, left a career and gave up my life to care for her for 4 years. She was often very unkind to me and the dementia was off the charts. Still, I loved her, sacrificed all and stayed until the end. Meanwhile, entitled and lazy sister who mom did evrything for and adored never worked a day in her life and never lifted a finger to help with mom even though she lived in the same town. Even at the end, she never even asked about mom or took my calls once she knew she could no longer take money from mom. Now that mom has passed, she is being evicted since she hasn't paid rent (though she had the money and I warned her)and even gave her my money. She spent it all shopping. She gets a fat check for the rest of her life and has her entire life without having to do a thing. She actually had the nerve to call me the other day and tell me I needed to co-sign for a new apt for her, I told her, you know that mom passed and I've been trying to call you, left notes for you, etc. Her response: yea, yea..Not one word about mom or her passing. I said: absolutely not on the co-signing. She promptly hung up. I've tried and tried to help her but then realized that I, like my mom, was being manipulated and enabling her. I'm middle aged and physically, financially and emotionally spent after years of being a caregiver and need to find a job and rebuild my life. I sobbed the night of her call-heart broken that she didn't even care about mom. I spoke with the Social worker who I've been working with to help my sister. She told me: Walk Away. Your Sister will destroy what is left of your life. She does not want help-just handouts. In fact, it was suggested that I have a discreet law enforcement officer at the funeral next week should my sister show up and create a disturbance. Very Sad. All I can do is pray my sister gets help. Blessings to everyone on this site. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
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lynnm12 Apr 20, 2019
I can so relate to your response. Just so you know you're not alone in all of this.
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I’m going to go against the majority and say that you don’t need to tell your siblings anything. You don’t need to give them notice that you won’t be taking care of them.
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JoAnn29 Apr 19, 2019
I would just to be able to tell them when the time comes, I told you I was not caring for you and gave you time to get ur act together.
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