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My dad has recently lost my mum in April this year.


As the eldest and with the current arrangements around being isolated, I have tried to offer him the support that I am clearly evident now that my mum used to give him.


There are lots of issues, some of which my dad is too stubborn to get sorted (my dad comes from an age where mental health means 'your mental' so its easier to ignore and battle on than speak to someone and get some sort of help). None of the issues are what I would deem as serious but one of the things I have noticed through spending more time with him is he uses everything to great excess.


Toilet rolls - goes through 6 to 9 per week


Kitchen Roll - 2 jumbo rolls per week


Washing up liquid - Easily one bottle a week


The biggest issue is clothes washing detergent. I go to Costco and get him a bulk pack that covers 75 washes. We use the same at home and easily cover two to three months for both me and my partner. My dad it lasts a month.


So I tried getting him to switch over to tablets, one tablet per wash...easy. Found out he is putting one tablet in with liquid as well. Got him a dosing ball and made it clear to him where he needs to fill up to the line. Still runs out after a month.


When he was in work in his 50's, his co-workers used to tell him then not to use as much in his work but it seems to have got worse as hes got older. Growing up we always knew my dad saw more soap suds meant a better clean and used to drive my mum potty with cups tasting of washing up liquid.


Its definitely nothing Alzheimer's related but just wondering if anyone else has encounted this and what they did to try and combat them having their independence while not spending a fortune on detergent.

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I trust that it's HIS money that he's wasting?

If he is competent and can make his own choices, he can waste HIS money.

If this means that you are running to get him washing soap and the like all the time, just say "no, dad, you'll have to order that yourself".
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It is HIS money that hes "wasting" and that is the problem.

If you could see an elderly parent doing something which was costing them way more money than it should, would you stand by and just go "its his money, crack on" especially when he has gone from a dual household income down to just his own income.
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BarbBrooklyn Jul 2020
I would (and did in the case of my mom) point out things that were costing money she didn't need to spend. And yes, we thought she was just set in her ways.

We finally got her in for a full neuropsych work up; the diagnosis was Mild Cognitive Impairment and it was quite evident to the professionals that she should no longer be living alone.

Which is why, after a few tries at saying "dad, you're using too much XYZ" I would give him less access or ask him to order his own, if he's capable of doing that.

I strongly suspect there is something more than stubbornness going on, is what I'm saying.
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You can point it out to him; you can get someone like a banker to show him a budget and have THEM try to talk sense into him.

But if he's been like this his whole life, why do you think he's going to change?

The only thing you can change is YOUR behavior. Stop buying him supplies. Tell him he needs to order it himself and have it delivered.

Remind him that if he runs out of money, he is NOT moving in with you.

You will only frustrate yourself trying to get HIM to change.
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GardenArtist Jul 2020
Barb, points well taken.
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I would make his detergent and cut his dish soap with salt water so he is able to use as much as he wants without going through so much product.

I make my own laundry detergent for less that 1.00 per gallon and I have for years and we love it. If you are interested I am happy to share the 3 ingredient recipe.

As far as the paper products, can you get a brand that has more sheets per roll and maybe get him some cotton bar towels to help with the paper towels?

I would also ask him if he has a need in the bathroom for a wet wipe. That could be why he is using such a large quantity. The challenge might be getting him to not flush them. None of them should be flushed, even if they say it is safe to do so.
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Countrymouse Jul 2020
:) I love this answer!

You have reminded me of Peg Bracken's "Rock Bottom Eight" - her list of absolute essentials for people who bitterly resent spending money on household cleaning (and what right-minded person doesn't?).
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Go back to the tablets, but this time put the liquid detergent out of sight. He may have some kind of anxiety issue around using enough product to get the clothes clean, but I'd be surprised - not to say incredibly impressed - if he took it as far as doing anything that actually needs the liquid, such as pre-treating collars or stains.

What work did he do?

Can you find space for a dishwasher in his kitchen? More economical, ecologically sound AND cleaner dishes. Win win win.

I agree with the 'waste not want not' principle, and I'd also be concerned about any underlying anxieties that have led him to form these habits; but when you say "cost a fortune..."

9 pack Andrex is £4 at Asda
Regina jumbo kitchen roll is 8 for £10 on Amazon (I only buy supermarket's own cheapo skimpy so I'm not au fait with the leading brands, I'm afraid)
Fairy Original is £2 for a litre bottle at Tesco

£8.50 a week.

It's not *exactly* a fortune, is it..?

But the nitty-gritty is the why of why this makes him feel better. Or possibly why he's just not very good at Home Economics.

How old is he?
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antunited78 Jul 2020
He's 72 and i think its more about him being set in his ways at his age than any issues. When they were a couple, we sort of just let them get on with it and i think my mum did with my dad as she was not really mobile and relied on his support where he did with her for the finances. In terms of the finances, i have supported him in the last three months.

Im not concerned about the cost at this stage, its more about trying to make sure he is adopting good practices in his day to day life as i feel adopting some good routines will only benefit him in coming to terms with the loss of my mum.
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I just re-read your post. Your dad is barely 3 months widowed. Is he getting any support (not mental health, just support) for his grief and adjustment to his "new normal"?

How do you know that there is no dementia? It is not unusual for us to hear when one parent dies that the other parent's dementia/mental health problems are suddenly clarified. I would investigate a bit further if you can.
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Back on the day, you needed a full cup of washing detergent to get the job done. Does he see the instructions on the label? Otherwise, watering it down seems like a great idea.

Would he consider a portable bidet wand? I love mine.
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Goodness, Ant.

Your Dad is only 72? And you lost your mother, presumably at about the same age then, only in April?

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Right. 72 is NOT old. And your father ought not to be financially dependent on you at all. What's going on?
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antunited78 Jul 2020
Hes not financially dependant in terms of him needing money. My father has asked me to help him manage his financial affairs as mum took all control over that and my dad was happy with that. If we just left him to it, it would just get out of control and he wouldn't manage his finances at all, this is his own admission and why i helping him manage them for him.
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Are you sure there is no dementia at work here?
If you are sure try the following things...
When you buy toilet paper..tell him you are buying to split between your house and his. Give him 3 or 4 rolls of TP and tell him it has to last.
Same with the paper towels...give him 2 or 3 rolls.
If you want him to use the "pods" for clothes washing take away the liquid so all he has is the one type. And give him only enough "pods" for 1 load of wash a day.
Switch from a liquid body soap to a bar soap.
For dish soap try one of the soap dispensers that foam the soap when you pump it out. LOTS of bubbles to make him happy. You could use the same type of dispenser for body soap as well.

But getting back to my first statement some of this seems like signs of dementia and you might want to keep it in the back of your mind. I often said when I looked back at all the "little insignificant" things my Husband did for years it all became clear after it became more and more apparent that "something" was wrong.
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I originally posted this as a reply below but I putting it here as well:

I would (and did in the case of my mom) point out things that were costing money she didn't need to spend. And yes, we thought she was just set in her ways.

We finally got her in for a full neuropsych work-up; the diagnosis was Mild Cognitive Impairment and it was quite evident to the professionals that she should no longer be living alone.

Which is why, after a few tries at saying "dad, you're using too much XYZ" I would give him less access or ask him to order his own, if he's capable of doing that.

I strongly suspect there is something more than stubbornness going on, is what I'm saying.
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