Hi friends, I find myself needing some help, some ideas. I've not discussed this yet with the nursing home, wants some ideas of where we stand first. My Dad, 76 years old developed a very severe sepsis infection following a knee procedure this summer. Two months later, he can't walk, can't stand himself up, and has mild dementia. He's in nursing care, has to be on an antibiotic drip every day which will end soon, I have DPOA for him. This care will only last two to four months at the most, and then decisions have to be made. He does not want to live in a nursing home. He wants to either move into my house or have me move into his.

My house is a two story, all bedrooms upstairs, I work, have a 20 year old at home who's recently tried to move friends into my house, didn't happen, not gonna happen, not something I would allow. I am putting my house up for sale in the spring. I've been widowed for just over a year and am moving through it, moving on with my life, I'm 52, and feel I need to live my life. I took care of my husband for 16 months fighting brain cancer, I was with him when he passed in our home, I'm still grieving from that, I also took care of my oldest daughter through several surgeries as well at the same time, and my youngest is getting over a rough patch in her young life. So Dad feels I'd be okay taking care of him full time. I'm not, I know it would be the end of me because I've been there already. There's only so much one person can take and as many of you understand. I've told him I can't move into his house, I have my own home to take care of, he can't move into mine because of the stairs and I have to work, he of course got very angry, said he'd be okay with sitting all day, and if he wet his pants, so what, he could sit in it all day. I have a brother, who does nothing and is verbally abusive to me every chance he gets, even was that way to me at my husbands funeral. He will do nothing to help no matter what and enjoys watching the struggle. Dad is difficult, always has been and has a history of abuse. I can't lift him, he's 6'1 and 230 lbs. My husband was 5'10, and after a year of fighting cancer, he weighed 110 lbs, I could barely move him around and lift him.

I've got Dad's house set up well for him, and I'm thinking when the time comes of moving him back there, but he needs full time care. Is it possible to get reliable safe full time care for a parent like this in their home? Maybe assisted living would be better for him? He has retirement accounts, do those count as assets when applying for Medicaid, or does it count as income? Lots of questions and needing some info and different ideas. Thanks all.

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I'd look into assisted living. In-home care is good but for 24-hour care it would likely cost more than assisted living. A private, live--in caregiver can work but you need to be very careful for obvious reasons. A background check and references are minimal. A not so obvious issue is that your dad (or you) could be considered his or her employer which means you may need to pay employment taxes and guard yourself against liability with insurance.
It's an individual choice, but I'd say you should not move him in with you. You're not set up for it. Moving in with him won't work either. So, to me, assisted living is the answer.
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Where ever he goes make sure you are not part of his living environment. The fact that he wants to live with you or vice versa after everything you have gone through is selfish on his part.
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No, don't move him in with you. I hear you saying you need some time to live your own life. And don't let any put a guilt trip on you for this; you can still be there for your DAD while separating yourself from this SITUATION.

I would move him into assisted living. You might need to tell him it is temporary at first and then see how things go. Hopefully he will like it there and you can start the process of obtaining Medicaid. My best advice for that is to get help from someone in your area, either a legal aid attorney or maybe someone at the local DHS office will be able to help you through the process. I'm in the middle of getting Medicaid for my mom and it seems to be 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

When talking with your dad, being calm yet firm should help. "Dad, I can't lift you and I will be at work all day. I would be too worried about you." But don't let him draw you into an argument. Say it and walk away if you need to; then come back later. Give him some choices--if there is more than one facility to choose from, let him choose. Let him choose what he wants to take with him. Get help from the doctors where he is now to back you up that he is not safe on his own..

Are your children able to help with talking to their Grandpa? I'm glad you were firm when one of them tried moving friends into the house. Sure is tough being in the middle of dealing with parents and kids! Peace and good wishes...
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