My dad lapses into a semi-conscious state. He has all of the signs and symptoms of impending death. I've been spending about 6 hours a day with him almost everyday. I took off work so I could be with him but I have no sick days or vacation days. If I'm not at work I'm not getting paid. I don't know how I can swing this financially. In my heart I feel that I need to be with my dad but I can't afford it financially and now I'm terrified because I can't pay my bills.
I've lost 20 lbs from stress and today my stomach is in knots again. I called to check on him and he's the same. I had planned on being with him all day today but I don't think I can do it again today. I need a break. For years my life has revolved around my father and nothing's changed except his address. I want to be with him as much as I can because he's going to lapse back into that semi-conscious state at any time. We know that. His vitals and blood work are all indicitive of impending death.
Before I took off work I was scheduled for 3 12-hour shifts in a row. My bosses were a little wary of that because they're aware of what my dad's going through and if something happens and I'm in the middle of a shift a replacement has to be found and I wouldn't be able to leave my patient until another nurse shows up. I could be there for hours knowing my dad is dying right that minute and NOT be able to get to my family. So my bosses and I compromised and I agreed to work 2 12-hour shifts instead of 3. But it wasn't ok. I had this nagging, poking feeling that my place is with my dad right now. I wanted to do the right thing but I didn't know what that was: go on and work my shifts or be with my dad. The thought of taking care of patients when I felt I needed to be taking care of my dad made me sick. However, I am not in good financial shape and I need the money. I prayed and about 10 min. after I said a prayer my boss called, offering me the weekend off. I felt that was an answer so I took it but I don't think she was very happy about it. I understand. It's not her job to care about my problems, it's a business. I get that. I don't think I'll be fired, I'm not really worried about that right now but I have no money coming in. I've been able to pay some bills but not all. And I do feel relieved that I am here for my dad. When I made the decision to take off work to be with my dad all my anxiety went away (although it's back now).
I had planned on being with my dad all day today, like the past week, but when I woke up the thought of spending 6-8 hours in that nursing home made me sick. I've had bile in my throat all day. I've been crying because I can't seem to be able to get up and get going. I took off work to be with my dad. It's costing me money to just sit here and cry and I can't do it now? What is that???
We've been on 'high alert' for a week now. Seven days ago today my dad's status changed and it's all I've thought about or talked about. I've rearranged my entie life around to be with him through this and yet I'm so depressed today I don't want to leave my house? I didn't see this coming. I feel like I've hit a wall.
I called the NH to check on him and he's the same, no change. He's in and out of this weird sleep, he's very confused, hallucinating, saying nonsensical things. He told my brother the other day that he was afraid that I was becoming a flower child! lol We have no idea where that came from!
I don't think today is going to be the day but I guess no one knows for sure. I think I've been on edge for a week now. Not sleeping well. Worrying every waking minute. Writing an obituary. Deciding on funeral arrangements. And I'm not a big crier but today I'm crying. I'm afraid that if I don't spend every spare minute I have with my dad that he's going to lapse into a coma and the man I've known as my father will be lost forever. Although who he is now is a far cry from who he was even 6 months ago.
And I'm afraid that taking off work was the wrong decision. My job may not let me work my 3 shifts next weekend if my dad is still alive. How will we live? I thought I was making the right decision at the time but now I don't know. We won't be homeless. The rent is the first thing I pay and that's already done.
I guess I don't know what the right thing is anymore. We're in this limbo with my dad and it's like torture. Part of me wants him to pass away so we can get on with our lives and start grieving but the other part wants to hang onto him for dear life and postpone the pain his death will cause.