My father (68) is in an assisted living facility due to the fact he has Parkinson's Disease and cannot live alone. But he has not been taking his medications regularly and been acting erratically. The EMTs have been called 4 times and he has been to the hospital 3 times, mostly due to him collapsing because he has not eaten nor taken his medication. I had been putting boundaries in place because I had been running over to him every day, and it was exhausting for me and affecting my job. So I was only going to see him 2-3x per week and calling him. He admitted one day that one of the times he was sent to the hospital, he faked it for attention. I was angry, but then let it go. However, now he is doing it more and more, refusing to take his medication and deliberately doing things that are unsafe for him, because he gets upset I refuse to let him live by himself out of the assisted living facility. He accuses me of causing all of his issues and tells me he is a grown man who can do what he wants. I finally had enough and walked away, alerting the facility to what he was doing and that he was a danger. He collapsed again and was sent to the hospital, but I did not go right away, since I was still hurt. He apologized over and over, and eventually the hospital asked me to come. I got him home, but have not spoken to him since. I am trying to ensure he does not end up in a facility where he has more restrictions on him, but I don't know how to get through to him. He won't acknowledge that he needs help and he needs to stay on a routine. What can I do?

For an additional fee the AL will administer his meds.

ALs are not prisons....if he is as capable as he believes himself to be, he is free to find other living arrangements.

Stop jumping every time he snaps his fingers. You don't have to pick him up from the ER when he goes...they will arrange for transportation (at his cost) to return him to the AL. My father would find an excuse to go to the ER on an almost weekly basis. I did not pick him up ever. That would have been a full time job for me. Maybe paying that bill a couple times will be a wake up call to him.

My father would fake a head injury to go to the ER to complain about constipation because the AL would no longer send him there for that. These seniors are alot more with it than we give them credit for.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to lkdrymom

Ultimately, your father will become too much for the ALF to handle and he'll be asked to leave......meaning, he'll need to move into Skilled Nursing which he will hate even MORE than AL. So dad, shape up and fly right in AL or face your future in a SNF. We are all responsible for our own actions and so, I'm afraid, is your dad.

You can only 'back off' SO much from him in AL b/c ultimately, YOU are going to be the one they call when he acts up. Same thing with the hospital. AL only goes SO far with their management of elders who refuse to behave. Same thing with medication management; yes, you can put him on the medication management program for X amount of extra dollars per month. BUT, and here's the big but: he can pocket his meds inside of his mouth and spit them out once the QMAP leaves the room. The QMAP is satisfied that he 'took' his meds but in reality, he did not. That's how he gets around 'taking his meds' without actually taking his meds.

In a SNF, they won't send him to the ER every time he acts up; THEY will deal with his antics without involving the hospital *unless it's a TRUE emergency that they are unable TO handle*.

So that's the bottom line, dad. It's up to YOU how things will go from here.

You don't mention dementia as one of his ailments.........but if dementia IS at play here, then he may require Memory Care AL. If dementia is NOT at play, you should be able to get through to him by a frank and honest discussion. Take him to see the SNF he'll be going to if this type of behavior continues at the ALF.

Wishing you the best of luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to lealonnie1

It may be time to have a talk with a social worker or psychologist along with your dad, so some plans can be made as of boundaries of when you will come to see him, and also to set up POSITIVE REWARDS for what desired behaviors would be, where you give him rewards for his taking baby steps toward a goal. Ex: If you can go ONE WHOLE WEEK without the hospital calling you, you will take him to McDonald's or bring him an ice cream or something.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to karenchaya

If he's paying for assisted living, step WAY back from the situation and let them assist with his living. Cut down even more on the trips and phone calls. He sounds like a toddler having a meltdown for attention.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ZippyZee

At age 68, if he has early Parkinsons, perhaps the shift to AL was a bit quick. Was it made clear to him that it had to happen unless he took care of himself? Lots of older men are not good at being sensible or at doing what they are told to do. Perhaps he just shrugged it all off as not being very important, and didn’t realise what the outcome would be. And it’s the same now – he is being quite irresponsible and neither you nor the AL can or will put up with it. The result for him will be worse.

Is there any way to provide an incentive if he starts to take things more seriously? A temporary ‘escape’ from the AL, for example? Perhaps you could ask him?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

Kmi7688, when someone lives in Assisted Living, there is a "Med Tech" who comes around to each residents to give them their medicine. They won't leave the room until the meds are taken. The meds are under lock and key in the nurses office. Or is this place one where one has to pay extra to have the Med Tech come?

My Dad paid extra when he was in senior living, and even though it sounded expensive, on a per day cost, it was well worth it. At least I knew Dad was taking his meds, as before he kept forgetting.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to freqflyer

To clarify: he's in the facility because his PD is advanced to the point where he can't safely live alone. He is not eating properly or taking his meds as "attention getting" behavior, yet he thinks this is going to convince someone that he's able to care for and live by himself outside the facility...and you are trying to deal with him as if he's rational? Do what is in his best interests and ramp up his care in AL so that someone administers his meds to him every day on time and he is taken to the dining hall.

Does the facility run any activities or events for residents? Do they have a bus that takes them places? Maybe talk to the admin there to identify other PD residents that he may be able to better socialize with. I don't blame him for feeling "out of place" amongst people with dementia and memory issues. Is he taking any meds for mood or depression? If not, maybe time to consider this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777

I am not beyond a little threat. And since u have been setting boundries, he may take you seriously. Sit him down and look him in the eye and tell him, if he continues on this path that he WILL end up in skilled nursing. That the AL may have no other choice but to ask you to find him a place that can give him better care. That he, not you, are causing his problems because he will not take his medication and do what he needs to do to help prevent falls. He cannot live alone and you cannot care for him. So, he must make the best of where he is. He has aides to do for him what he can't, a nice room, activities and socialization. He needs to appreciate what he has. Not make his and your life more difficult than it needs to be. Unless there is some mental decline, at 68 he should understand this. You cannot physically care for him. So he needs to resign himself to the fact "this is my life" and make the best of the time he has left.

2 or 3x a week and a daily call is enough. You have responsibilities and u do not want to burn yourself out. He needs to take advantage of what is offered. Yes, he has an illness that is debilitating but he needs to resign himself to it and he isn't.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29

Continue with the boundaries. Don't back down.
Next time he is taken to the hospital don't give in when they call you. (obviously unless it is a true emergency)
He has not been declared incompetent so he can refuse medications, food.
Because of the Parkinson's his gait will become more unsteady and he will fall more often. This is something that you will have to accept.
If there is anyway that the facility staff can get him involved with a group that shares his interests, or possibly "buddy him up" with another resident he might not constantly want attention if he is occupied in other ways.
68 is very young and I imagine that he is feeling a bit out of place in a building full of what he might see as "old folks". If he can be encouraged to get involved it m ight help.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Kmi7688 Nov 1, 2021
I have tried to get him involved, and I will have to have a meeting with the facility about his behavior. Unfortunately he does feel out of place with the older residents, but he did not take care of himself and he can't live alone anymore.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter