I take care of my 84 year old grandmother. 2 years since it got bad, but she has lived with me for 5+. She has dementia, a type of blood cancer and requires blood transfusions (2+ units) every 2-3 weeks. We have good days, but quality of life is poor. She feels bad alot. She cries when I tell her she has to go to the hospital and says it's time for her to die on a regular basis. More days than not. She cries alot just worried she is a burden. With the dementia she is not the same person I grew up with and is totally dependent. In lucid moments she still tells me she doesn't want that (of her own accord), but won't accept that that's what she is - dependent.
This week I didn't take her to chemo. I just took her to the hospital for more blood (hgb 5!). I think if she was herself, she would want to end this. She has said it many times over the last 6 months, but of course forgets within minutes. When she is super low I give her anxiety meds. But have to lie to her bc she doesnt want to take them.
I am tired. She is tired. If I decide for her, NO MORE treatment, is that murder? Will the guilt destroy me?