Follow
Share

My dad is a very stoic quiet man and has not shared his bladder issues. Now a tumor was removed two weeks ago that did invade wall. That is all I know. While he is youthful and sharp in many ways it would be a nightmare for him to have routine visits. He thinks removal means he is all fine and I am terrified about future suffering. I think I should just accept, but as someone who researches everything and has suddenly been pulled into service here I want to do the best for him. Any thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Readabook
It is sad. A poor design plan but we all have to work with it.
I second Barbs opinion on reading “Being Mortal”. It’s a great book and can help you adjust to the realities and gently lead dad to do the same.
If you google Atul Gawande’s Five Questions you will find several articles, interviews.
It could help you before Wednesday. It might be helpful to start the conversation with dad a bit before the appointment. Give him a chance to think about what you are asking.
BTW, No decisions have to be made on Wednesday but you could advance the situation with his doctor and see if he seems like one you and dad can work with. It’s also like Alva said. Need to drill down a bit with dad and see how he wants to spend his final years. Deep breaths. Your energy will feed dad’s.
Also, if it helps, ask dad about the documents now. You could use the visit as an excuse if dad is the type to be reluctant on making them available.
“dad, let’s see if those docs you signed are still in order, in case we need them”.
It’s nice to have someone to lean on a bit in times of uncertainty. If he sees your mom has someone to protect then all the more reason to have things in good order.
Let us know how it goes. We care and learn from one another.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Will he let you go to the appt Wednesday? If so, go, ask questions but make sure your dad is being heard as to what he wants. Does he WANT major treatment? Or is he OK with letting nature take it's course? I think either are valid options, especially at his age.

I mean if it were me, I would do some natural things and be looking at palliative care. I think chemo, etc. at this point of life may not be in the patient's best interest.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Speak with the doctor. There are some treatments now that involve medications by mouth, that are not overly taxing to the system, and that may prolong life and prevent complications. A good oncologist specializing in this unique field can be worth a whole lot in terms of guidance, and you already know where you DON'T want to go in quality of life. You may get an honest opinion from a good specialist. I just heard interesting segment on NPR today about how when people enter age they are no longer asked what they THEMSELVES want. You say that your Dad thinks this is taken care of. Fine. But now is the time to ask him what he wants for the future should it recur, how much in terms of treatment versus exiting with the comfort of hospice. You will know soon enough if he doesn't wish to discuss it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Readabook Sep 7, 2020
Thank-you> I have not heard of those meds- but we see oncologist Weds. It will return- I am pretty annoyed with urologist who has been blowing him off- but my dad was in denial as well, and with poor hearing etc it is all a bit crazy.
(0)
Report
Are you privy to what was discussed about prognosis and treatment options proposed by his doctors?

If you don't have this information, you are setting yourself up to spin on a hamster wheel. Your dad is in charge here if he is mentally competent.

Does dad have documents in place such as financial and medical POA, advanced directives? If not, this is the time to get them done.

Read Atul Gawande's On Being Mortal. Ask dad the questions posed in the book about what he wants his "end game" to look like.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Readabook Sep 7, 2020
I am on a hamster wheel! My father is mentally competent, though very hard of hearing and has a very short fuse. Inconvenience is not his thing and my 89 year old mom can hardly handle a bandaid. He does have those directives in place. I have to learn where they are! This is all so darn sad.
(1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter