How do others cope with caring for two parents?

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Wow this is tough. My mother who is really nasty and my father with dementia live with us. They have been her 14 months seems like a lot longer. They don't want to move to assisted living but we want them to.. Mom is 90 and dad is 93. Help need advice

Answers 1 to 10 of 13
Wow is right. I'm not in this situation but plenty of folks on this forum are in similar situations. You should get lots of experienced answers.

I learned from this forum to not live with my folks. We will all be better off if they go to assisted living when the time comes. Dad will likely be in memory care.

In a nutshell, it comes down to a choice between having a life or commiting the rest of you life to eldercare. No disrespect to those that pull it off but it ain't easy.
How do we get out of this soooooo frustrating situation we need a life. My husband and I second marriage 14 years but totally not ready for this!
Advice? How can we cope? Sooooooo frustrated
Btw they pay nothing except occasional bathing from caregiver but don't like bathes they smell
They might not want recognize it, but the caregiving arrangement is a two-way street requiring cooperation and compromise on the part of everyone, including your parents.

With your husband, draw up some standards, rules, that must be obeyed, such as the elements of your mother's behavior that you consider nasty and need to be changed. It's harder with your father because he likely has less control or cognition over his own behavior. But at least if you could modify your mother's nasty behavior, it would be a start.

Discuss with your husband what are the behaviors you absolutely won't tolerate. Then have a "come to caregiving" meeting with your parents, and inform your mother that some changes need to be made if she wants to stay, and that either you're treated with respect, or you will find another place for her to live, whether she likes it or not.

There's a quid pro quo involved in these arrangements. The caregivers made modifications and compromises; so must the cared for parents. Otherwise it's an unequal arrangement guaranteed to lead to caregiver frustration and burnout.

I know it's easy for me to sit at a desk and write this but it's not going to be as easy for you to address it and be forceful with your mother.

However, you're entitled to respect. It probably will be hard to change your mother's ways, but she has to change if she expects to stay there with you.

Good luck; I think you'll need it.
Forgot to add - if you can afford to bring in paid caregivers, do so, and take advantage of that time to spend some private time away from your parents, whether you and your husband go for a walk, bike ride, hike, shopping, to dinner or whatever.
Whose house is this? If you are renting move and leave them- lol.
Top Answer
You say that you want them to move to assisted living but they don't want to. That's a tough nut to crack. I often wonder what the hell people are thinking, moving 90 year old parents into their homes as there is no way in hell it ever works. Enough lecturing......

You will basically have to kick them out. Find a suitable place, get it set up, have the care folks do an assessment, pack their stuff and away they go. As Garden Artist said, that's easy for me to type, not so easy in real life.

My folks are still in their own home, shouldn't be, but won't move, so I'm just waiting for the crisis that forces the issue. But they are not in my house driving me crazy. Make it happen. There will be yelling, hate, God knows what but they will survive and get over it.
They are here moved here to stay hopefully not permantely. Sooooo sorry we were nice guys.. Btw siblings won't help trash us when she calls brother hasn't spoken to them 10 years. HELP

My sister favorite child calls every two weeks and continually disrupts our house

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