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Mother is 85 years old. She has dementia, diabetes, fibromyalgia, etc. I can't get her to keep her appointments with her primary care doctor. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything. She has to be reminded to eat, take her meds, and bathe. Her home is cluttered and not clean. She has two dogs indoors. She lives alone, although my brother is nearby. He can't live with her because she's difficult to get along with. He tries to make sure that she takes her meds and eats. She does/doesn't do things that we've talked to her about several times. She makes no effort to better herself. I've been to told I can't make her go to a nursing home as long as she says she doesn't want to. My brother's health is declining, and he and I can't continue to do what we're doing. We need help.

It’s so difficult, I can relate. I have POA for my mother and I exercised my rights to place her in a nursing/ palliative care facility. Not only could she not take care of herself, I as her full time caregiver became ill, the stress was overwhelming and mentally draining. I regret not taking care of myself better and lack there of education regarding dementia. If I knew then what I know now things even our relationship would have been different. Their reality is different as the brain changes, so please speak with her doctor(s) and weigh out your options. Take care 🫶🏻
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Reply to Gacast70
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LAyoungestchild: Retain an attorney.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Contact an attorney regarding help for POA. Very sorry to hear about your mother's situation but she should be placed in a facility or get paid help at home. Who will arrange for dogs' care?
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Reply to Patathome01
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Lots of good advice has been given here, but please make sure the dogs are not forgotten. If she can’t take care of herself, then she may not be caring for them. They are innocent and deserve to be loved and treated well. Animals give their all to us with unconditional love, and we owe them that in return.
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Reply to Tiger8
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Yes your power of attorney will get her in to a nursing home
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Reply to Reggiehamo12
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Once your PoA is legally active (read the doc to see how this happens) then you can make the decision to place her and pay for it with her funds. However, you will need to come up with a creative therapeutic fib to get her there since even with a PoA you cannot physically make someone do something they physically resist.

Do not tell her you are looking at facilities. Don't get her input on anything. Just pick a place that is convenient to you and ask the admins at the facility for some ideas on how to get her there. They will play along: they've seen it all.

" I've been to told I can't make her go to a nursing home as long as she says she doesn't want to. "

Whoever told you this: stop listening to them.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Gacast70 Feb 2, 2025
My heart goes out to you. My mom refused to go as well; however, as my condition was declining (I had kidney cancer) she became bed ridden, I was able to make her medical decisions. I have the typical POA, Medical POA as well, could it be that it various from state to state…
(2)
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You Durable POA powers are enabled when you have letters from doctors (usually 2 doctors) that your mother is incompetent to make her own decisions. Your mother's condition or behavior alone does not activate a Durable POA. You need the documentation.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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funkygrandma59 Feb 1, 2025
RedVanAnnie, a DPOA is generally considered valid immediately after signing, UNLESS it is specifically written to only become effective upon a future event like incapacitation, then it's considered a "springing" POA.
Just wanted to clarify that for the OP as to not confuse them.
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I suggest you start visiting MCs and ask the marketing person what stategies have been used in the past that worked. MCs have their own criteria and may want that doctor's note. Some states require 2. She will need a pre admission TB test but now that can be obtained at pharmacies. Get her to a doctor with paperwork in hand through any fib that you need to get her there.
One other suggestion is not to tell her about the doctor appointment, just take her out and surpirse her.
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Reply to MACinCT
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If your mother gets dementia testing done and her doctor determines she is incompetent to make her own decisions, your POA kicks in and you can have her put into memory care. No one willingly goes to memory care.

You say she lives alone. She should not be. Homecare could be an option for her. A live-in caregiver/companion. You and your brother can try giving her this option instead of putting her in memory care.

Many times it's the stubbornness and resistance to care that gets a senior put into a nursing home or memory care.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Well what you can do is call 911 and tell EMS that you think that your mother has a UTI as she's been acting weird lately(yes you'll have to lie), and have them transport her to the ER.
Once the doctors have examined her and ruled out a UTI, you let the doctor and hospital social worker know that your mother CANNOT return home as she is an "unsafe discharge," and that there is no one there to take care of her.
And you keep using the term unsafe discharge until they help you find the right nursing facility for your mother to be moved into.
That may just be the only way to get her placed sooner than later.
Otherwise you'll just have to wait for the next "incident"(which who knows how long that will be) to happen and then use the unsafe discharge card then.
Best wishes in getting your mother placed soon.(so call 911 now!)
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You cannot act for your mother unless she is diagnosed as unable to legally act for herself.
Please research POA for your State. I sure do wish you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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