Mother is 85 years old. She has dementia, diabetes, fibromyalgia, etc. I can't get her to keep her appointments with her primary care doctor. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything. She has to be reminded to eat, take her meds, and bathe. Her home is cluttered and not clean. She has two dogs indoors. She lives alone, although my brother is nearby. He can't live with her because she's difficult to get along with. He tries to make sure that she takes her meds and eats. She does/doesn't do things that we've talked to her about several times. She makes no effort to better herself. I've been to told I can't make her go to a nursing home as long as she says she doesn't want to. My brother's health is declining, and he and I can't continue to do what we're doing. We need help.
Do not tell her you are looking at facilities. Don't get her input on anything. Just pick a place that is convenient to you and ask the admins at the facility for some ideas on how to get her there. They will play along: they've seen it all.
" I've been to told I can't make her go to a nursing home as long as she says she doesn't want to. "
Whoever told you this: stop listening to them.
Just wanted to clarify that for the OP as to not confuse them.
One other suggestion is not to tell her about the doctor appointment, just take her out and surpirse her.
You say she lives alone. She should not be. Homecare could be an option for her. A live-in caregiver/companion. You and your brother can try giving her this option instead of putting her in memory care.
Many times it's the stubbornness and resistance to care that gets a senior put into a nursing home or memory care.
Once the doctors have examined her and ruled out a UTI, you let the doctor and hospital social worker know that your mother CANNOT return home as she is an "unsafe discharge," and that there is no one there to take care of her.
And you keep using the term unsafe discharge until they help you find the right nursing facility for your mother to be moved into.
That may just be the only way to get her placed sooner than later.
Otherwise you'll just have to wait for the next "incident"(which who knows how long that will be) to happen and then use the unsafe discharge card then.
Best wishes in getting your mother placed soon.(so call 911 now!)
Please research POA for your State. I sure do wish you the best.