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My mother is in MC 6 weeks now and I recently had some issues that I addressed with the appropriate people (and while I was upset, I wasn't mean or rude) and 4 days later my brother the POA, called me and asked what happened with mom; as I was telling him he interrupted me and said "You can't do that, be upset and complain" (about our mothers care) that is. I visit mom 2x a day and see things going on, am I really expected to not say things because I'm not the POA? My brother says they told him I made a scene (which isn't true, this was all done in privacy of an office but, I was raising my voice) and I can't do that. I was so upset I stated I wouldn't say anything to them again & got off the phone with my brother immediately. He sent me a text stating "If this is how your gonna act when I try and talk to you about mom, that's a problem and I will fix it." WTH does that mean? Does it matter who complains about things when they're not right (for example; my moms bathroom currently has ants in it, crawling around in the sink (she's grabbing them with her fingers not realizing they are ants). I am virtually the only family member (aside from my daughter) that visits my mother (1 bro sees her 1x a week - 1 bro never sees her) on a regular basis. As POA can my brother keep me from seeing my mother? I am her Healthcare Surrogate. I don't know how he found out but does it sound normal to anyone that they (the MC facility employees complained to my brother about me complaining about OUR moms care or lack thereof; especially, when we all discussed it. I left the conversation with a hug to & from both the caregiver and Medical Director) and I've seen and talked to them since. What am I supposed to do with this extra crap/stress I don't want or need in my life? I was complaining about our mother's care. Confused and frustrated!

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Yay Florida, so glad to hear the great outcome for you and DB!!
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Me too lealoonnie1!!! It's such a relief to remove any amount of stress from my mother, my brother and myself during these already most difficult times. Thanks again for the thoughts and support!! Floridagirl6
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Great resolution, Florida!
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They legally should only be talking to the person (s) who is on their HIPPA forms.
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There is no reason you could not go to a person and say "There are some ants in Mom's sink; could someone come with me so I can show them where they are?"
However, it does sound to me that perhaps between your own "I was upset" but not rude and their (or your brother's) "caused a scene" may lie the "truth", whatever THAT is. They always say there's your truth, my truth and THE truth. For me I am no longer even certain about that last one.
Your brother is POA for financial? Were your Mom to lose her position in her current faciliity it would fall to him to try to find one as good. I would say that you should look on this as a chain of command thing. Certainly report ants, any pests, and dangers; do ask an employee if they have time to come to the room with you.
I do think also, if you have a list, you should first go to your brother and speak with him (how often does he visit) about what you are seeing; ask him to go over with it with you. Then the two of you approach the administrator of the facility together for explanations.
Someone below says you have "healthcare proxy"? I missed that in the above. If you do you should be concerned with things that impact care, health and safety of your Mom for sure; it's your appointed job.
Your versions of your brother saying that the facility says you "made a scene" and yours that it was hugs all around as you left them isn't a good match here and especially if your brother is threatening your ability to see Mom. I suspect it is more in the relationship of you two siblings than in the facility or in Mom and her needs. You say your brother claims you are making scenes, and seems to threaten you can't visit? Are you certain he didn't just suggest you may be seeing Mom too much at twice a day? For perhaps her good and yours? If not, the hugs--your version--and the "scene"--his version makes me feel like GASLIGHT is happening somewhere.
I would start here. Go to whomever you spoke with and who gave you the hugs. Say that you spoke with your brother and that someone suggested you had made a scene. That this was certainly not your intention, and if you were overzealous in anything you said in your concern, you apologize wholeheartedly. Just kind of gage their reaction. As to your brother, tell him that you went and apologized for anything you may have said that seemed offensive. But that as health care proxy it's your DUTY to report anything that is a health and safety concern and that you will do so gently as you are able and keep him informed, and in fact will accompany him to the administrator should he prefer.
IF you are her POA for health care I very much doubt you can be banned from seeing her unless you are disruptive indeed. Facilities are used to dealing with concerns, pain, worry, guilt, anxiety and complaints, in both the residents and the family, all the negative emotions as it is what they do 24/7 pretty much.
Wishing you luck. I think try as hard as you are able to build a good, strong, support network between yourself and your bro. It is very important, and especially to the well being of your Mom. Warring siblings puts her in the middle. She is too old and too frail and too weak for that. She doesn't deserve it. It will hurt her lot more than a mess of ants in the sink; she probably dealt with ants in her life. Wish I had a penny for each nest I dealt with!
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Thanks so much AlvaDeer for everything you wrote in your response. I have spoken with my brother and we have cleared the air. When we spoke I explained everything that happened leading up to me addressing the situation with our mom (at the Memory Care Facility) with the staff- to him and that my intention wasn't to step on his toes but, to look after our mom and then I asked exactly what was said because I really didn't think I made a scene. He said that they didn't really say that but rather, that I was emotional and upset and were asking how I was. I guess he was taken by surprise and maybe upset finding out that way and embellished the story in the midst of his emotions, when we spoke on the phone that day. The next time, I just won't visit her until I reach him/ or I will send him a text on the issues before addressing them... Lesson learned Happy to report my brother and I are back on the same page, presenting a united front to the MCF about moms care. Blessed today! Thanks to everyone for all the honest and caring comments and thoughts... Always greatly appreciated as I navigate through this stage of our lives.
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I just had a conversation tonight with the son of a stage 6 dementia woman who resides at the Memory Care Community I work at. Just tonight. Mind you, I'm the receptionist so everybody tells me everything and I wind up feeling like a bartender sometimes. He told me he has fewer issues with the MC than his sister does, because shes a woman and looking at cleanliness issues that do not phase him. He is more interested in physical therapy and feeding issues pertaining to his mom. He talks to the ED and so does his sister. Both of them do not have POA, obviously, but both of them DO have every right to express their concerns to caregivers, executive directors and receptionists alike.

I would say you have every right to speak to whomever you'd like at your mom's place. Emotions can run high when dealing with our loved ones care, and the staff should be very familiar with that! But, if you have caregivers shooting off their mouths and exaggerating things to your brother, that can cause a real mess. I think the others are right in that you need to talk to your brother and let him know you're not trying to step on his toes, just trying to get mom the care and attention she deserves and is paying for. Perhaps both of you can be present for the next care conference, both expressing individual concerns you'd like addressed.

Your brother may have his hackles up because he feels like you think he's not doing his job properly......you know what I mean? Men can be like that......clear the air with him by having a good heart to heart, letting him know how hard this is for you, and how you want to work together to get mom the best care possible. This is new to both of you, so lay down the blueprint for how to manage things from here on out. Together as a team, working toward the same goal.

Finally, it's not acceptable to have ants crawling around in your mom's sink, or for you to be cleaning toilets or mopping floors. It's also not acceptable for the staff to be causing friction between family members, if that's what they're doing. So you and your bro need to agree that this facility needs to step up their game or you will move your mom to another MC. You are both on the same side here,,,,,remember that, throughout the stress of this difficult time.

Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and resolution
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Thank you so much for your ALWAYS thoughtful and honest comments, I appreciate them all! Yes, I definitely planning on clearing the air with my brother, as I mentioned- we've always been extremely close and I don't want us to start having issues. It just seems like this thing with my brother was all so unnecessary. Oh, I forgot to mention in my early posts that I had tried mention this issue to my brother that night (when I was leaving the MCF- like always) but he blew me off with a text stating he drop some things off at my house for mom the next day and I didn't hear from him for 3 days. I waited until the next day but I had to address the issue or my mother would have sensed I was upset (because I was) and it had the potential of ruining our visit. I might also mention, my brother is going through a divorce so I know he's got a lot on his plate, some of which could be affecting other areas of his life. I love and support my brother unconditionally however, I have several auto-immune illnesses since the 80's and I know my limits and his personal life is out of my limits in everyway; emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically. My focus is on my mother and her care. Thank you for your response Lealonnie1!
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So, Florida; One other thing I will suggest is that ANYTIME you address something at the facility, you need to make sure that brother knows that you've done so.

My brothers and managed to keep each other in the loop about everything because it became immediately obvious to us that we ALL needed to know what had been addressed with staff, DON, etc. It helped that there was trust that we knew that we were all working for the good of mom and there were no hidden agendas.

Clear the air with your brother as soon as you can.
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I agree and we do communicate pretty well. I forgot to mention that I had tried to reach my brother to give him updates ( I do it regularly) as I was leaving the MCF the night I discovered the issue and he blew me off with a text. I didn't mention it to the MD until the following day before my visit my mom because it was really bothering me and I didn't want it to ruin our visit; she picks up on things like that pretty quickly. I will definitely clear the air with my brother asap. Thanks BarbBrooklyn I appreciate your helpful response!
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I think what happens is the way everything is retold. The MD may have said u were a little upset and your brother blue it out of proportion.

What do you mean "Medical Surrogate". Is it Medical POA. Something Mom has assigned u too. Does brother have financial only? Because if this is so, then brother handles the financial and you handle the medical, which I feel Moms care is part of. If brother has both financial and Medical I don't understanding u having Med. Proxy. My Moms Medical POA was written like a living will.

I too tend to get "upset". I found asking a question works better than being "accussing". Say things like "There are ants in Moms sink, is there anything that can be done to get rid of them". You want these people to be your friends.

You and brother need to figure out what your responsibilities are. If brother wants to handle staff, let him. Text him any problems you see. Some you may just have to except. I used to ask my daughter what I should complain about and what I shouldn't. Realize that the facility works on a schedule. I had a problem with Mom being ready for appts. The first time she had breakfast and her food was all down her. I had to change her. The next time they had let her go down for a nap knowing I was coming. She was very confused after just waking up. TG I gave myself an extra half hour. It dawned on me that maybe this all wasn't really the ALs responsibility. It was mine to get there early enough to make sure she was ready not the staff. I was going to ask the next time Mom had an appt but she ended up going to LTC so I didn't bother.

ALs are residences not nursing facilities. The resident is responsible for some things. Make sure you know what she is paying for. If they aren't following thru, then say something. My Moms room was suppose to be cleaned. There was dust everywhere. I was told because of some damage, the cleaning lady was told not to dust where nick nacks were. I can understand that but, her headboard wasn't dusted, her TV stand wasn't dusted or the window ledge that had a potted plant on it. Nothing is going to be perfect. Too many "humans" involved in her care. Pick and chose ur battles. I also suggest you back off on your visits. Mom needs to get used to her surroundings and the staff caring for her. 2x a day maybe a little much to visit.
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Thanks for your great thoughts on this issue JoAnn29! Your response is greatly appreciated!
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If you will be getting upset with staff, maybe reporting the problem to your brother to handle will help. Your brother and you need to present a United front on behalf of your mother. That is not always easy, or even possible, but Mom will get better care if the two of you are on the same page, supportive.

Your concerns are valid. Only 6 wks. at a MC.....of course you are upset. Keep on talking. The staff has seen an upset family member now and then. How upset do you think you came across? It is understandable, but follow the advice of CWillie and Barb. Imo.
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I'm not really sure if there is any legal hierarchy that gives POA for finance or Healthcare Proxy more say than the other, but in my humble opinion your position as healthcare proxy plus your physical presence on site means that anything you see that concerns health and safety is within your purview.

Two questions that concern me -

Why would anyone at the facility "tattle" to your brother about an issue that had been successfully resolved - I wonder what kind of game are they playing there?

Have you and your brother always had a contentious relationship? Is there some reason he views you as an adversary rather than an ally, and if so can you find a way to put that aside for your mother's sake?
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My thing is I was expressing my concerns for our mothers care (after 5 weeks of being oh so nice about everything else that's happened, I knew I had to change my approach as things weren't getting addressed appropriately and it was kind of the final straw) So instead of crying at home by myself about these issues I addressed the Medical Dir. and thought it was resolved at that time. That's the thing with my brother; we've always been extremely close and have never had a contentious relationship; so his reaction was kind of a punch in the gut. I mean we are supposed to be on the same team (looking out for moms care is my only motive). I don't know if I believe that the MD mentioned it (it just doesn't make sense), I'm more inclined to think it was the caregiver who mentioned it to him and he was upset because he had to hear about it from them or some other issue he's having. I don't go there because it's so positive and uplifting everyday, I go there because I love my mother and want to make sure she's getting the best care possible and I want to spend time with her, (this is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do). My mom is in Memory Care (at $5700 a month) she's in Stage 6 of Dementia (you know the symptoms). They are responsible for a standard of care which is all I was hoping for. I've cleaned her room, (swept & moped) because it was not clean & I wanted it done. I've cleaned her toilet, her bathroom, litter box, you name it. I didn't complain but, rather asked how often house cleaning came in, and other pertinent questions. Thanks for your response.
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Talk to the Medical director privately. Tell her that someone reported to your brother that you "made a scene". Explain that this is going to be a problem if you, as your mother's HealthCare Advocate, you need to be able to talk to the staff about issues that affect your mother's health without it causing a problem within the family. If it was the caregiver who spoke to your brother, the director needs to deal with her. If it was the director, she needs to know that watching her language with your brother is important.

When reporting an issue to staff, it is important NOT to be upset. Remain calm and take a "here is what I am seeing, how can WE get this fixed so it's not affecting my moms health?" path.

Is your brother saying " you cant do that" meaning that it is not a good thing to get upset ( not good) and complain ( also not good). Don't get upset. Problem solve.
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Thank You!
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