My mom is 82 with dementia she lives in my home for 5 months she hates living with me and wants to live alone. Her Dr. Has her on much meds but they do not stop her anger management issues. I am not capable of taking care of her anymore I have panic attacks and irregular heartbeat issues. She is combative with everyone especially me. I can't do enough to make her happy. I am ready to have a stroke. I want her to be safe in an assistant living but she won't listen. I am just overwhelmed. I need help or advice.

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Oh dear, I'm afraid this is an "I wouldn't start from here" answer.

Can we go back a bit, please?

Why did you bring your mother to live with you five months ago? Where was she living then, and what advice did you and she receive from her doctor and/or any other health/social care professionals?

In short - what happened?

The reason for asking is that it might be best to retrace your steps and start again from what *should* have happened at the beginning. Which is, that you and your mother should have been properly briefed on what to expect, and advised about all the different options for her care. I'm guessing you got no such help, right?

Meanwhile, do not despair! Your mother's anger and complaints are to do with her illness and her feelings, and nothing at all to do with anything you've done or haven't done. You can't heal her unhappiness, so stop trying. I don't mean "stop taking care of her" - I just mean, stop expecting her to become comfortable and content, just focus on making sure her real needs are met. There will be ways forward, and in due course it will be possible to move your mother to a facility or unit or home that will offer her the right kind of support, but first of all take care of yourself. Deep breaths and a step back mentally to gain perspective.

Hugs to you. I'm glad you've come to the forum, and I hope you find it as helpful, supportive and comforting as I did.
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Rhonda, it would be helpful to know if you are her PoA for medical (at least)? If so, this gives you legal power to manage her care. You can have her transition into a nursing home if it is in both of your best interests. I'd suggest in-home care but she seems too combative for that. Perhaps adult day care...? As long as you're not the one paying for it. She won't want to go, but it sounds like there may not be any other options. If you are not PoA, your options are different since your home is her residence and you can't just remove her. Sounds like she may not cooperate with giving PoA to you, so I hope you already have it. Also, her combative behavior sounds like she may be more of a candidate for MC. Are you her financial PoA? Or do you have an idea of her finances? You will need to have some insight into what she can afford, or if she needs Medicaid. Start researching local facilities and prices. A short-term fix would be to have some in-home care for a few hours a day or week. Agencies can provide someone, or depending on her financial condition, you can contact social services and have her assessed to see if she qualifies for county services. I understand that MI has some very different rules about Medicaid so best to contact your county's Dept of Health and Human Services directly for information. Your actual question is whether you can turn your mom "over to the state". Yes, the county can get guardianship but it's a process and won't be immediate. Also, once they have guardianship you lose control over where she's placed and what medical care she receives and they pretty much take whatever assets she has to pay for her care. I wish you all the best. Let us know how it goes!
Helpful Answer (1)

Contact the Area Agency on Aging for help and advice. If you are so overwhelmed you need her out of your home you may have to just hold on for awhile. AAA should have direction for you. You are important too, but do this right.

Does mom have an elder law attorney that you could ask for advice?
Helpful Answer (1)

A person with dementia will not listen because they can't be reasoned with. Contact her doctor and tell them what you have told us and ask for their advice for your own well being. You are important too.

If she wants to live at home, let her and then when an accident happens, and it will, place her in a home.
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