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If your dad was incompetent at the time the will was changed, the changed will is not valid in any country. You have to be compentent and of sound mind. You'll need to be able to demonstrate that it was executed after he exhibited signs of incompetency. Was bro named as POA? You're screwed and have no say at all, if he did, unless you want to hire an attorney and spend all of your own money trying to influence your dad's care. You probably won't succeed at that anyway, so unless you see neglect, leave it be. Your dad probably is in better shape in the nursing home. Check it out for yourself and make sure. I know everyone thinks this can be done better at home, but that's not the case -- it's very rare that it goes well anywhere but an institution. Dementia is just too freaky to handle without ALL the resources you need at your fingertips. Just read all the horror stories on this forum and others. And stay out of it, if you can. You are better off visiting and enjoying what time you spend with dad being just his daughter. Your brother no longer has that luxury, and there's not enough money in anyone's estate worth that. I know from personal experience.
My father has had dementia for over 3 years and his short tern memory is gone.. my brother took him to a lawyer and had his will change. I took care of him for 8 years and now he is in a nursing home next to my brother . can he do that thanks for any information you can give me
I hear you on all counts... Thank you for taking the time. My younger brother lived with my parents all his life. He had Chrons and my mom babied him till the end. In fact she sort of destroyed his life by allowing him to be a vegetable and over do his drugs. He in turn abused the situation of getting to live off my parents and use their money and their home. My dad died 2 yrs ago and his last conversation to me and his mother was I hate my son and want him out of my house and don't ever want to be alone with him. One month later my dad was gone mysteriously after being a diabetic for 35 yrs he couldn't find his medic bag..still strange to us and he was home alone with my brother. My brother and I and grandmother let it go as we really would of gone off the deep end thinking what we were thinking.. we let my dad go in peace.. My mother was then thrilled suddenly that she and my brother were alone. That hurt the rest of us a lot. We know my younger brother over dosed on his meds, in fact the autopsy report isn't back for another 2 months. When the paramedics came he had a DNR and they also found 30+ prepared needles. He just gave up. I do give my other brother credit for taking my mom even though being down here with me would be so much better where she would have more space etc.. Why she's afraid to speak up is beyond me. I don't want to sound greedy when I say IM concerned about my mom's $. It's just that my dad always told me that if something happened to anyone, please do not let my sister in law near anything. We all saw through her niceness. And when I say I no longer ask my mom to come down here, I meant it as I don't want to pressure her into thinking she has to make choices. My brother knows my feelings on his pressuring her into choosing a strange doctor and making her believe he is the best Dr. I do a daily protocol if I text or get any messages from my brother this way it's all documented should I ever need a reference. I hear you clearly on all counts . You're right..in fact my husband has told me over and over again the same thing. The only thing is the $ part. My dad worked so hard all his life and had no years in retirement so that's what hurts is that she comes along and because she does a bit of cooking or laundry that she's entitled to something. grrrrr The first few weeks I was totally sleepless and my health took a toll. I have my ups and downs and I'm sure I will for a long long time to come. The 13 yr separation was due to my younger brother, he had mental illness and destroyed the family around. We just stayed away because we were always told if we come around with the grandchildren we'd be arrested,and no one wanted the kids to be exposed to that. My dad was spineless and lost control ...my mom allowed my sickly brother to do everything.. when we had to go through the paperwork we were in awe what she allowed him to take and spend on nonsense. He had no friends no life, the only time he went outdoors was to run to the dr..sad..he and I were once very very close never a fight our whole lives.. and he turned..it was the meds ..we forgave him when we saw him laid out.. hopefully he heard us.. My whole family is nuts..lol that's why I pretty much backed off from everything. I try to help out mom where and when I can even if it's just letting her talk. Sometimes I let her babble on for 3 hours.. She was always the strong one in the family...but also the evil one at the same time and I didn't like that part about her. She knows how to hurt someone and when I was up in CT she knew I was hurting until my husband blew his cork and made everyone realize what they were up too..it worked for the moment.. Mom can live alone but with her bouts of forgetfulness it's too risky..she is in a very remote area of CT and winter is coming so it's a no go.I'm glad my brother took her for now as we are under major renovation here and I really wouldn't have a place for her to sleep.. but once we're finished, I will fly up and bring her down.. I've told her 2 weeks isn't going to ruin her...and from there I can make it to a few month..Before she goes I want some time with her as well..regardless of what the other 2 do. When I was up there she gave me a few valuable belongings that she knew I'd treasure and we kept it our secret.. she's since forgotten so that's good.. my brother and $i$ter in law can have all the rest.. lol I never want to look like the bad one in this. I just like things settled in a good way. When she talks of selling her house, I agree..why let it sit and pile up bills..use the money for herself. I want my brother to be clear with her that she's only allowed to go home if someone is there with her..she doesn't want a nurse or caretaker, she doesn't trust anyone... And she's not ready for a home nor do we want her in one. it may come yes I know... but she's able to do everything yet and I don't want to take one thing away from her...not yet..
I'm so sorry about your younger brother. That must have been terrible for everyone. Do you mind my asking what led to your mother's living with him? - and who was caring for whom? Was it his family's home, or did he and your mother just happen to share a home? What were the circumstances of his dying?
Number 1: first of all, forget the money. I don't care how much it is, it's not worth it. Re-read “Bleak House.” Let it go, as you value your sanity (and your soul, if you believe in souls).
Number 2: remember your role as POA is to protect your mother's interests. Not her estate's interests. Not her money's interests. Her interests. The only reason you need – and have a right – to know about the money is in order to safeguard her interests. Actually, you have a duty to do that; unless you wish to resign your POA and walk away, which you are, by the way, entirely free to do. Are you and your brother joint attorneys or “joint and several”? If it's joint, neither of you can act independently of the other; and if either of you resigns the POA is void. If it's joint and several, you can act independently of each other but you each have a duty to inform the other AND a duty to keep yourself informed of your mother's affairs.
Number 3: you must feel as if you're in a war. But remember: “what if they held a war and nobody came?” You are bound to feel pretty sick about what you suspect might be going on (sisters-in-law can provoke that like nothing else, in my experience – and at this point you might refer to “Sense & Sensibility” while you're dusting off your 19th Century novelists), you can expect to feel a lot of other things besides over the foreseeable future, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO JOIN IN.
Number 4: I'm just trying to picture the inside of your mother's head. Obviously, I'm guessing; but whatever happened and whatever her personality, she buried her son two months ago. Can she really be up to coping with any of this right now? As far as you possibly can, please leave her out of it. What can it be like for her, that her remaining children are already at each others' throats when she's only just rediscovered you both after a 13 year separation? It must be infuriating for you when she says one thing to you, another thing to your brother, no doubt another thing to whichever doctor she's talking to and so on, but cut the woman some slack! Surely she must just want everyone to shut up, sod off and not ask her to make any decisions for the time being?
Number 5: I don't know if you've ever experienced a messy divorce involving children, but this situation, where siblings are at odds over a parent's welfare (and I'm having that kind of trouble myself) reminds me very much of that. And as with messy divorces, it is horribly easy to find yourself getting seriously paranoid about what the other party/ies is/are up to. Then again, perfectly nice, normal people can start behaving very oddly indeed. See: “The War of the Roses.” Any time you want to run a plan past people to check for bonkers-ness, this forum is a very good place to do it. The people here will tell you frankly but kindly if you are heading over the edge.
Number 6: Hmm. How long had your mother lived in CT? Only I'm thinking: she's got early AD, her son's just died... plus she's been uprooted from her home and the neighbours, doctors, friends, everyone she knows? Is that right? What makes you so sure she won't want or be able to return there, with appropriate support? This is not the time for her to sell her own home, not unless and until she gives the order.
Okay. Let's start again.
1: Calm down. 2: This is very early days. Honestly now, did you think everything would suddenly be all right and everyone would be happy and get along forever? 3: Give your brother some credit, or at least the benefit of the doubt: you want to look after your mother; he wants to look after your mother too. 4: Ignore sister-in-law (“awfully grabby, darling” as my mother would put it) because she has no authority, and your brother doesn't exactly sound like he's the hen-peckable type. 5: Assuming it was properly done, your shared POA can't be easily thrown out, not if your mother has been diagnosed with AD. Not even in NY. 6: If/when they get personally insulting, count to ten, then courteously but firmly return the conversation to the point at issue. I find the response: “[pause]. Yes. To return, [headline of whatever you were discussing and then continue]...” a useful formula when I can barely speak for anger. 7: Try not to retaliate. I know how hard it is. I know siblings know where all the buttons are and can't help themselves (that cuts both ways, by the way). But try. 8: Don't do the scatter-gun thing with blame. For example: your brother was not responsible for sending you your copy of the POA; the lawyer who drew it up was. Call that lawyer and ask for your copy. Nicely, by the way; ask whatever secretary happens to pick up your call nicely. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you're tetchy, and she takes that personally, you'll be surprised how incompetent she might get all of a sudden. 9: This phrase of yours is instructive: “I no longer ask my mom to come down here...” No longer? After two months? Two months is no time at all. I hate to break it to you, but you as a family are barely out of the starting blocks. There is a long long way to go. Actually, that's a good thing because it gives you a chance to turn this all around – which will take time. 10: You go on to say that you make it clear that your invitation is open, and that's the right thing for your mother to know. Give her all the time she needs.
Of course, I don't know the reason for that long gap in relations with your mother. Was it just how things turned out, or was there an actual estrangement based on events?
I think the best thing that you and your brother could do immediately is sit down – together if you can bear it – and devote at least half an hour purely to imagining yourselves in your mother's shoes. There doesn't seem to be any need for either of you to take urgent action. Your mother is physically safe (how she feels about sharing a small space with teenagers I can't say – but don't assume they're a problem. Maybe they're sweet to her and the unbelievable racket is a welcome distraction!), and nothing dreadful will happen to her (IGNORE THE ESTATE. I MEAN IT!) if nothing changes for the time being.
The surgery... well, if it's that minor, I would expect surgeons in any US state to be able to handle it competently, no? And yet you're both managing to make it an issue...tsk tsk. Don't. If your mother knows and trusts one particular surgeon back home and would prefer to be treated by him/her, that's different; but in that case what you say to your brother is that mom wants Dr X to do the surgery, it's important to her. You do not follow through with that accusation about his conflating NY surgeons' superiority and his own convenience. You make no comment on NY surgeons, because they are not the point; and anyhow what makes you two so expert on the comparative merits of CT and NY practitioners, eh? But, a propos, there is no crime in his consulting his own convenience when it comes to deciding how best to care for his parent. As long as it doesn't override your mother's valid priorities, why on earth shouldn't he?
Look, I'm probably sounding as if I'm not on your side, and at this time you really need somebody to be. Well, I am. Overbearing siblings are absolutely horrible to have to deal with, and I do understand, honestly. It's just that to me it looks as if the person whose side most needs taking is your mother. Get your copy of your POA, reread it, and go back to the lawyer who did the new will if you want further explanations and reassurance, especially given the new NY factors. Then give it time, give it space, be generous and be patient. Take extra care of yourself, while you keep things very light-touch and arm's length with your mother (yes, let her prattle away; avoid the big subjects) until it all has a chance to settle.
Finally reference is from “The Pardoner's Tale” - radix malorum est cupiditas. Greed has been making people – good people, too – do bad things since the world began. We're not going to solve that one.
Deep breath. All will be well. Come back and update us soon. x
sorry I had to cut off so fast before, someone entered the room.. When I talk to my mom she is fine to a point until she starts repeating herself, I let her talk and then change the subject. Both brother and wife are gone all day long she sits in an empty house and they put the tv on for her. At least here the weather is on her side she can play around in the garden which she loved to do .. She's afraid to speak up and when I do,my brother shoots me down like I'm a piece of "*hit". And I don't want to argue over a phone. When we were all together for the funeral in Sept. we discussed certain important issues which my mom agreed to, and suddenly I am left out of all plans and she just goes and agrees. I now call her once a week and tape the conversations, because some times I think I don't get her in a clear way. My fear is that they will hold her just as long as they can and then once she isn't thinking clear they will have her sign over her interests to them. And with me not included in anything Imight never know. I know I shouldn't be so untrustful, but just in 2 months what my brother and wife have pulled is insane. Including not sending me my copy of the POA. I did seek legal counsel here in Florida, but our atty. told us he couldn't help us as the laws are different. I'd have to fly to CT and hire a lawyer there or have some one from the state do a check up on her. I don't want to start trouble, but behind the back my brother already has. He's removed very valuable items from the house claiming it's for safekeeping, yet when I ask him for pictures they forget.. Same with her bills she is behind on so many, I do online research and get her set up so she won't get in trouble. Then on top because he took her to the lawyer in Ct as I had to fly home he got her to make him Executor of her estate.. luckily when we were up there my husband took detailed pics of every item.except the jewerly that my bro. took.. I no longer ask my mom to come down here, but when she tells me how bored she is and alone, I tell her that it was her c hoice and she is able to change her mind at anytime.. I just can't understand why greed makes everyone so bad.. sorry I took up so much space.
CountryMouse, this is all new to me, my mom lived with my younger brother who passed away in Sept at age 46. My other brother and I had no contact to my mother for 13 yrs and this all fell into our laps. We took mom to a lawyer to write a new will and she gave both of us POA. my brother has already overstepped the line a few times. I was to handle moms bills etc.. she ok'd a change of address so that I could process all bills online for both my brother and I to see (actually his greedy Wife) . well when they saw the address change card he flipped out and got mom to call me in an angry tone and demand I never do that again. I was in awe. Then she is in need of minor surgery. she wants her doctórs to do it in CT. He insists that NY doctors are better, only so that he doesn't have to travel to CT..I offered to stay for however long she needs me as I my kids are gone and his aren't . I live in Fl and would travel up there to care for her. They got her so far that she is going to have surgery in NY. she is weak when it comes to my brother. He is big like a bully and plays his part well. His wife never responds to any of my emails or texts. I wanted mom to come and spend time with me in Fl as we both know she can never live alone again. Now she says I dont want to come to Fl, they feel its best if I stay here.. She is in a house less than 1000Sq ft with 3 teenagers and my brother and wife,she feels put out. When I talk to her she is bored and angry and wants to go home. He takes her every 2 weeks but she wants more. When I bring up selling the house and helping her with her money in a way to make her happier, they call me greedy and claim mom wants the house. She tells me differently. She feels the money could be used better than paying bills on an empty house. My brother has plans to take over the house and move himself and family there at her expense of course. I keep to myself because that is the day I hire a lawyer. I've gotten so sick since Sept. My brother was so rotten to both parents and now he is trying to play an angel..his wife is just in it for the $..not one family member liked her..she doesn't do wrong in front of you, ,its her intentions.. its so hard for me to express myself, but inwardly I torture myself with worry, as there is a lot of money involved..
Pita, are you on speaking terms with your brother? If you are, talk to him before you worry yourself sick. For a will to be valid, it must be made by your mother while she is demonstrably of sound mind. The POA is a different and separate legal instrument, and if your mother has already had a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's Disease your brother would have a heck of a job to change it.
I'm not saying it never happens that lawyers cut corners and that people get very peculiar about inheritance, but rules are rules and they're not so easy to break. If you're still worried and you can't talk to your brother, don't stress your mother out about it - talk to adult protection in your area and take their advice.
some of you say no, but if a person is competent they can be brainwashed to write a new will etc...I am in this situation right now, my mom made a new testament and it now includes my brother and me, but they have since taken her into their home and out of her home, and when I talk to her alone she tells me tidbits of their plans. she is in the beginning stages of alzheimers.. right now she was declared competent..but if she goes off her thoughts my brother can take her to a new lawyer void out the old will and put himself as the only POA..its a risk.
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Number 1: first of all, forget the money. I don't care how much it is, it's not worth it. Re-read “Bleak House.” Let it go, as you value your sanity (and your soul, if you believe in souls).
Number 2: remember your role as POA is to protect your mother's interests. Not her estate's interests. Not her money's interests. Her interests. The only reason you need – and have a right – to know about the money is in order to safeguard her interests. Actually, you have a duty to do that; unless you wish to resign your POA and walk away, which you are, by the way, entirely free to do. Are you and your brother joint attorneys or “joint and several”? If it's joint, neither of you can act independently of the other; and if either of you resigns the POA is void. If it's joint and several, you can act independently of each other but you each have a duty to inform the other AND a duty to keep yourself informed of your mother's affairs.
Number 3: you must feel as if you're in a war. But remember: “what if they held a war and nobody came?” You are bound to feel pretty sick about what you suspect might be going on (sisters-in-law can provoke that like nothing else, in my experience – and at this point you might refer to “Sense & Sensibility” while you're dusting off your 19th Century novelists), you can expect to feel a lot of other things besides over the foreseeable future, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO JOIN IN.
Number 4: I'm just trying to picture the inside of your mother's head. Obviously, I'm guessing; but whatever happened and whatever her personality, she buried her son two months ago. Can she really be up to coping with any of this right now? As far as you possibly can, please leave her out of it. What can it be like for her, that her remaining children are already at each others' throats when she's only just rediscovered you both after a 13 year separation? It must be infuriating for you when she says one thing to you, another thing to your brother, no doubt another thing to whichever doctor she's talking to and so on, but cut the woman some slack! Surely she must just want everyone to shut up, sod off and not ask her to make any decisions for the time being?
Number 5: I don't know if you've ever experienced a messy divorce involving children, but this situation, where siblings are at odds over a parent's welfare (and I'm having that kind of trouble myself) reminds me very much of that. And as with messy divorces, it is horribly easy to find yourself getting seriously paranoid about what the other party/ies is/are up to. Then again, perfectly nice, normal people can start behaving very oddly indeed. See: “The War of the Roses.” Any time you want to run a plan past people to check for bonkers-ness, this forum is a very good place to do it. The people here will tell you frankly but kindly if you are heading over the edge.
Number 6: Hmm. How long had your mother lived in CT? Only I'm thinking: she's got early AD, her son's just died... plus she's been uprooted from her home and the neighbours, doctors, friends, everyone she knows? Is that right? What makes you so sure she won't want or be able to return there, with appropriate support? This is not the time for her to sell her own home, not unless and until she gives the order.
Okay. Let's start again.
1: Calm down.
2: This is very early days. Honestly now, did you think everything would suddenly be all right and everyone would be happy and get along forever?
3: Give your brother some credit, or at least the benefit of the doubt: you want to look after your mother; he wants to look after your mother too.
4: Ignore sister-in-law (“awfully grabby, darling” as my mother would put it) because she has no authority, and your brother doesn't exactly sound like he's the hen-peckable type.
5: Assuming it was properly done, your shared POA can't be easily thrown out, not if your mother has been diagnosed with AD. Not even in NY.
6: If/when they get personally insulting, count to ten, then courteously but firmly return the conversation to the point at issue. I find the response: “[pause]. Yes. To return, [headline of whatever you were discussing and then continue]...” a useful formula when I can barely speak for anger.
7: Try not to retaliate. I know how hard it is. I know siblings know where all the buttons are and can't help themselves (that cuts both ways, by the way). But try.
8: Don't do the scatter-gun thing with blame. For example: your brother was not responsible for sending you your copy of the POA; the lawyer who drew it up was. Call that lawyer and ask for your copy. Nicely, by the way; ask whatever secretary happens to pick up your call nicely. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you're tetchy, and she takes that personally, you'll be surprised how incompetent she might get all of a sudden.
9: This phrase of yours is instructive: “I no longer ask my mom to come down here...” No longer? After two months? Two months is no time at all. I hate to break it to you, but you as a family are barely out of the starting blocks. There is a long long way to go. Actually, that's a good thing because it gives you a chance to turn this all around – which will take time.
10: You go on to say that you make it clear that your invitation is open, and that's the right thing for your mother to know. Give her all the time she needs.
Of course, I don't know the reason for that long gap in relations with your mother. Was it just how things turned out, or was there an actual estrangement based on events?
I think the best thing that you and your brother could do immediately is sit down – together if you can bear it – and devote at least half an hour purely to imagining yourselves in your mother's shoes.
There doesn't seem to be any need for either of you to take urgent action. Your mother is physically safe (how she feels about sharing a small space with teenagers I can't say – but don't assume they're a problem. Maybe they're sweet to her and the unbelievable racket is a welcome distraction!), and nothing dreadful will happen to her (IGNORE THE ESTATE. I MEAN IT!) if nothing changes for the time being.
The surgery... well, if it's that minor, I would expect surgeons in any US state to be able to handle it competently, no? And yet you're both managing to make it an issue...tsk tsk. Don't. If your mother knows and trusts one particular surgeon back home and would prefer to be treated by him/her, that's different; but in that case what you say to your brother is that mom wants Dr X to do the surgery, it's important to her. You do not follow through with that accusation about his conflating NY surgeons' superiority and his own convenience. You make no comment on NY surgeons, because they are not the point; and anyhow what makes you two so expert on the comparative merits of CT and NY practitioners, eh? But, a propos, there is no crime in his consulting his own convenience when it comes to deciding how best to care for his parent. As long as it doesn't override your mother's valid priorities, why on earth shouldn't he?
Look, I'm probably sounding as if I'm not on your side, and at this time you really need somebody to be. Well, I am. Overbearing siblings are absolutely horrible to have to deal with, and I do understand, honestly. It's just that to me it looks as if the person whose side most needs taking is your mother. Get your copy of your POA, reread it, and go back to the lawyer who did the new will if you want further explanations and reassurance, especially given the new NY factors. Then give it time, give it space, be generous and be patient. Take extra care of yourself, while you keep things very light-touch and arm's length with your mother (yes, let her prattle away; avoid the big subjects) until it all has a chance to settle.
Finally reference is from “The Pardoner's Tale” - radix malorum est cupiditas. Greed has been making people – good people, too – do bad things since the world began. We're not going to solve that one.
Deep breath. All will be well. Come back and update us soon. x
sorry I took up so much space.
I'm not saying it never happens that lawyers cut corners and that people get very peculiar about inheritance, but rules are rules and they're not so easy to break. If you're still worried and you can't talk to your brother, don't stress your mother out about it - talk to adult protection in your area and take their advice.