When I was a teenager I became a partner in my parents marriage... my mother was the narcissist, my father, her enabler and I was the one that did everything, tho they were quite capable. Travel arrangements, drop off and pick up from the airport, cruises, every imaginable chore... I packed their house every time they moved... One time, after I was married and moved away, I flew back to help pack up their house for another move!! The insanity! I went into business with them, of course out of guilt... I wanted to pursue a career... they said girls go to college for Mrs. degrees. I worked with them in 2 of their business ventures, never knew if they made money, but I know I never did. Rather than going on with this endless list of chores, just imagine having a personal "do-everything" person in your life. They moved nearby and that was the end of my few years of freedom. Yes, there were good times, but I was enmeshed, taught to please mom especially since one of my siblings was estranged (and I was told of all the "horrible" ways they were treated... and it was understood that any contact with my sib was disloyalty to my parents) I, unknowingly, was a victim of Stokholm Syndrome. I have been victim to this role as a "guilty pleaser" for over 40 years.
Now my father is deceased for 4 years, I moved my narc mother in and as I have posted before, I am falling further into my depression. Been on anti-depressants for years...but now I struggle to find an ounce of motivation to do anything except the things that need to be done; household chores, grocery shopping, etc. About 6 months ago I registered for an online degree and felt positive about it. I need to become financially independent as I have been very unhappy in my marriage for too many years.
My mother feels sorry for herself, sits in her room everyday, isn't used to doing anything for herself as she was my dad's queen... She comes to me asking if I can take her to get her nails done, get her watch fixed, buy new sneakers etc. I do know a woman who would take her, but my mother doesn't want to spend her money.
I've spent my wasted life by her side doing those things for as long as I can remember! Between taking care of her needs and wants, her complaints, childlike tantrums and my stuck in concrete depression I am falling behind in my courses. I hate waking up every day. I feel as if this goal, my new career is my last hope for personal freedom. I've never known true happiness because I've never focused on myself and my worth, my life goals, etc.
My question is not about getting help for my mother or getting her a place to live. Can anyone please help me with a deeper outlook or perception to stop feeling so d*mn guilty over her?? I need psychological freedom. Yes, I've been to therapists and heard the "you deserve a life, etc." Of course I know that. If sound reasoning helped then no one would smoke, do drugs, feel guilt, etc. Thank you.