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That is so weird I came across this post today of all days. I was actually thinking to myself - maybe I'd be better off dead because all I can see is a very long road ahead and no support (or hardly any) from family and I'm single. I have quite a few friends but I can't burden them. I'm just so tired of it ALL! I want my life back and feel like most of it is GONE as I'm 58. My mom is not senile and can still drive so yes I'm luckier than most but she really could live to be a 100. I'm tired of her depressive moods, her anxiety and her doom and gloom. I pick up her negative energy and lately feel bummed out myself. No I'm really not suicidal but sometimes I do have dark thoughts. I think well this is one way to make my brothers step up to the plate. They go on about their lives - take trips, are retired. Nope I'm working full-time, single homeowner and now she's back..living with me for the 3rd time. It was supposed to have been temporary while she got on the waiting list for an apt. That was a LIE! She NEVER signed up. :( She is a cling on and gets in my business! My resentment grows worse by the day. My brother is coming to pick her up and I'm looking forward to freedom, privacy and some time to myself. The holidays this year were so depressing. Just me and mom and she was somewhat under the weather - which was gloomy. No one came to visit. I HATE this life sometimes. Thank you for listening.
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CTTN55 Jan 23, 2019
Once your brother has her, tell him that she can't come back, and then she is now HIS problem.

As long as you allow yourself to be victimized, this will continue. Haven't you done your part? Now it's someone ELSE'S turn.
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NoMore2019,

Please call 911 and tell the operator you are suicidal and need help.

You do not have to care for your mother. You have the right to a happy healthy life of your own.

No it is not simple to 'Just Leave' but it is imperative that you get help for yourself.
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NoMore, can you reach out to someone about the abuse you are suffering? Could you call the police, or call a battered women's shelter? We all have low moments, but no one should be thinking of suicide every day.

Please keep us updated. You matter.
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NoMore2019 Jan 23, 2019
How?
I can’t get a better job because the minute every employer has learned that I am currently a family caregiver they don’t hire me. And I would have to find someone else who she’d want to provide care when she says daily she doesn’t want anyone else but me. She is stuck in the 1950’s and thinks I should depend on her son for everything.

I’m tired of life.

i don’t have anyone else and I don’t have anywhere else to go.

Everyone says JUST LEAVE and it’s really not that simple.
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Every day. I think about jumping in front of one of the big trucks from the local turkey farm so at least they can finally get some $$$$ out of my death, since he thinks I’m a gold digger. He’ll only stop abusing me when I die, and if he can get some money out of me all the better. Sometimes I think about jumping off the bridge right outside the farmhouse in the creek. I’d just splat on the rocks and someone else would have to clean up the mess for a change.
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Hi, Jada. I'm no longer a full time, live in caregiver to my grandmother and dad, but starting down that caregiving road was the most stressful thing I've ever experienced right from the beginning. My grandmother passed and then I was left to care for my father who had some medical crises over the next several years. From about 2 years into caregiving until the end of it, I was very depressed and thought often about ending my own life, OR... I thought about killing my father... because I saw him as the source of all my problems at that time.

It's irrational thinking, and I realize that now, and even realized it then to some extent. But the STRESS that comes with caregiving to others can wreck our brains. Caregiving is a one-way emotional drain most of the time. You're giving, they're taking, day in and day out. If you see yourself as "stuck" in a caregiving situation, of course you're going to feel depressed and hopeless at times, if not all the time.

Is there any support around you who can help in the form of family, good friends, your church, anything...? Can you get an appointment with a therapist or a psychiatrist to discuss how you're feeling?

I remember feeling so desperate. I'm so, SO very glad I'm not still in that spot, as my caregiving situation has resolved and I'm back to my own self-focused life again. You need help, dear. Call your best friend and get some emotional support, make an appointment with a doctor, and come here on Aging Care and find support threads to get involved in, if you want. People here get what you're going through and want to be supportive of you.
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Hi jadaprincess, 

Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we’re happy you have found the support of others here on this site. It’s important to foster an open and honest dialogue about mental health issues like depression and suicide. However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide.

Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Take care.
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1-800-273-8255 is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Give them a call.
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If you are experiencing these feelings, please seek immediate help.

Depression can happen with caregivers, but suicidal thoughts are not a thing to ignore.

Please seek help now!
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