Anyone not like themselves after spending time with their elderly parent?

I understand where you're coming from. I felt pressured by my mom too. If I was going to church she'd make me feel guilty for not staying home with her. She wanted me home all the time. Luckily we had hospice so I got some help. A couple of weeks before she passed she was in the nursing home and she thought I was there to take her home. I told her I couldn't take care of her anymore and she said she thought I could and when I told her again that I couldn't she got angry and told me to get the hell out of her room. We caregivers put up with a lot of crap from the ones we're taking care of. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best that you can.

For the hour plus drive to visit/help Mom, I would give myself pep talks the whole ride down. For the hour plus drive home from this same visits/help, I would feel terrible & berate myself for not being more patient. Eight years of that. And I wasn’t alone. Both my brother & sister (the 3 of us share caregiving with an aide) felt the same way. We had many many discussions assuring each other there was no reason to feel guilty or think we should do more.

So, yes ... every darn day. Sigh......

I can and did see how caregiving is VERY draining, especially when one has to leave their state to move in with their late mother. However, while I almost could have crashed, I rallied by looking to the Lord. Prayers to you.

Thank you all for your responses. It helps so much to hear your thoughts and encouragement!

My mom can be a difficult person. She is stubborn and has always had a temper which can be viciously unreasonable at times and cross into hysteria. Her old age has made is worse since she has become homebound. She had cancer 15 years ago and the treatment left her with a fistula and many problems with incontinence. A few years ago she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. This is all on top of OCD and severe anxiety. My parents had insane financial issues, which left them with nothing, many times. My siblings and I are paying her rent, groceries, etc.
However, my parents were good parents. They always made sure we had a good home, a good education, tooks us on vacations, outings, etc. I have a lot to be thankful for. My parents' financial madness got worse and worse when when my brothers and sister and I all got older abd started moving out, getting married etc.
So, I really want to help my mom as best I can and make whatever time she has left as easy as possible. The problem is it is taking a mental, physical, and financial toll.
Some of you have mentioned boundaries, and you are right. I'm not doing that as well as I could. One sibling has always taken the attitude, "Her finances and health issues are her problem. She us selfish for not going to a nursing home," and has never done the slightest thing for her. I think this is an extreme boundary to set. My mom is absolutely terrified of going to a nursing home and she will be miserable there. Yes, she will make it even worse than it has to be, but she will he miserable nonetheless.
So I see all the problems and get upset abd angry, and my mother is making things so much harder just by dint of her personality, but I also see a scared, hurting person when I look into her eyes. Also, there will be times when I'll smell salt air and remember vacations at the beach my parents took us on, or remember when my Dad would take us out to the movies or something after he got home from work, when he probay just wanted to rest, and I'll think of how much they did for us.
Sunday is my day to go up. I seriously need a break. One sibling lives nearby but will only drop off groceries and leave. I usually stay the whole day to keep her company and tuck her into bed, which she always asks me to do. I told my sister I may have to take a break Sunday, and this became a drama. The one who drops the groceries off can't be expected to tuck her into bed(she's terrified of falling) even though he lives 10
minutes away, but all the pressure is on me, even though I live 2 and half hours away and sm unmarried without childrrn. I set bad boundaries, but this brother will just yell at her that she should be in a nursing home, which gets her even more hysterical. It's a mess. However, I may have to just take off because my health is important to.

Totally understand! It does disturb our peace to be pressured & treated like a servant. (The worst part 4me, was not knowing when it would end.) Putting up with it for a year is do-able, 4 me, but after 6 years of it, I was angry as hell, & we barely spoke... (just so I wouldn't 'lose it'). I was mom's only child left, so I had to push through. Not proud to say that I prayed to God for it to end.

You need to really get real Andrew. Nothing will change. The only thing you can change are your choices. From your last reply I can tell you feel beholden. I personally don’t think your siblings boundaries are extreme but to you they are. I guess your next decision is how do you cope with deciding not to change and to accept the way things are. One option is respite care for your mom so you can get a break. The other is to set boundaries. The other is to do nothing until it affects your health. Sorry to be blunt but this is the reality. It will only continue to spiral down. But hope you can make changes.

I an writing from the perspective of having mad my Mum live with my family for nearly 10 years. I also had toxic in-laws.

You MUST set boundaries in order to protect your psyche and what will make you better able to be compassionate and kind when you are with her.

It's OK if she needs a nursing home and, hey, if she chooses to make it a miserable experience, that is her CHOICE and not your responsibility. Avoid taking on the responsibility to maker her happy. All of us are only as happy as we decide to be. You cannot change her, don't try, don't expect it, but do set boundaries to avoid her pushing your buttons and getting you to react.

You do not owe it to her to tuck her in at night, if she is afraid of falling, buy a $36 WYZE camera with the panning feature. Set one up in each room, someone can login and verify she has not fallen, nearby sibling could go pick her up, but not be obligated to tuck her in. Who tucks her in the other 6 days? You are not obligated. Or, if you want to tuck her in, then go later so you spend less time.

When we finally proved to ourselves that nothing we did would ever be good enough for FIL, we decided that we should just do the right thing, as we knew it in our hearts, but at our convenience, in our timing, so we did not resent doing it and could do it well. She has been manipulating you for your entire life, that is how she functions in life, it's not personal to you; however she taught you to obey her manipulation. You will need to step outside the emotions, be pragmatic and analytical and let go of being receptive to her manipulating.

I have three siblings, one is helpful from afar- she listens to me vent, she comes and helps now and again for a week or two to give me a break. I have a far away sibling who does little and only when I push; my other sibling lives in the same town and does very very little (I have not seen her in months), but thinks she does a lot. Mum and local sibling have always had a lousy relationship, I honestly don't judge her for not wanting to be with Mum, honestly, I don't. I felt very alone at first, but once I let go of expecting from other, I did better ;)

Again:
*If a nursing home is the right place, then that is the decision to make.
*Only she can choose to be happy, it's not your job to make her happy
*Do the right thing (in your heart) but don't be manipulated
*You choose what you want to do, let the siblings choose their actions.

Thanks again for your responses. It helps to vent and hear other perspectives.
The boundaries I have set are I don't stay overnight, as she's always asking me, and I only come twice a week. Last week was so rough, I only came once.
I won't completely turn my back on my mom, so I'm trying to navigate how to help her and not self destruct.
The hospital and social workers have said my mom can't be forced into a nursing home because she's of sound mind, despite her extreme anxiety and OCD. My mom has put us in a situation where we may have to just let her get evicted to get her into a nursing home.
Boundaries with people like my mom are hard because they know exactly which buttons to push to make this as painful as possible for everyone. They will put themselves literally in harm's way, in the most labyrinthine manner.
Question: Has anyone ever heard of this. My mom has 2 fistulas from radiation/chemo. She has a problem with diarhea and incontinence. She wears 4 pairs of Depends underwear, poise pads, abd another brand all at one time. She changes every several times a day, but always that many at one time. She says they barely work. I've spoken to doctors about this and they just shrug. I don't know if this is all in her mind or a combination of her mind and reality.

Thanks for letting me vent.