I see my mother twice a week. It is a very long commute back and forth
My mom should be in a nursing home but refuses to go. There is an aide there the other days, but only for 4 hours. 24/7 care is just too expensive. She puts a lot of pressure on me, emotional and financial. She has severe anxiety and OCD issues, and is a very demanding and difficult person. I feel I am unappreciated, and just a servant. By the time I leave her I feel angry, depressed and hopeless about life. I try not to lose my temper with her, but she makes me angry. Then I feel guilty because she is old with a lot of health issues.
My folks were much the same. It took a crisis to force a move to assisted living. Mom was mad, hated me, made me feel like crap. But in hindsight I don’t think she realized what she was doing.
mom died about a year ago. It took me quite awhile to get over my anger and frustration and remember her back in the days when she was a good mom and reasonable person.
Yes, I felt like a different person after visits, dealing with crises and so on. You have to work hard to keep the rational thought in front of the emotional.
We can be healthy and balanced even if we were raised by Nero.
This man can say no more, you need more care then I can provide and I am done propping up your false independence.
I also feel like im just a stranger some times when i visit dad. I dont feel any loving feelings coming from him or even coming from me
I feel used and angry
It shouldnt be this way for you or me! The only advice i have for you is realize your mom is under stress and forgive her. Try to bring her something that will give her joy and that just might put a smile on both of your faces !
My mother will ve miserablein a home. She will make sure of it. She
doesn't make the best of a bad situation. She takes every situation where things don't go EXACTLY the way she wants and makes it a crisis of the highest order. I once didn't arrive on time(her time) and she was in hysterics for the rest of the day. It made me angry but also sad. If she's in a nursing home, there is no way they will put up with her OCD demands. It's not possible. She also has severe incontinence from radiation when she had cancer 15 years ago. That on top of her OCD make her go into the bathroom constantly, and use a roll of t.p. in an hour. She goes through paper products, incontinence pads, diapers, disposable wipes and underwear like you wouldn't believe. That alone is a huge expense, along with her rent, food bills, etc.
I want to do what I can to make her remaining years as comfortable as possible, but I feel as if I'm caught in a web of madness. She and my father jad financial problems my entire life which they constantly need bailing out of. They went through probably close to a million dollars and still ended up with nothing.
I'm of two minds. I feel angry because of the pressure and because I feel she just sees me as someone whose sole purpose in life should be to tske care of her. She doesn't seem to care how my life is going, how I will be taken care of in my old age, or if I'm happy. She doesn't even acknowledge my birthday. I always got the impression my entire life that she resented any time I did anything that was part of me having my own life.
The other part of me feels sad and depressed. because I wonder if all this isn't some kind of mental illness she suffers from. and I should be sympathetic.
I am so grateful to you all for
listening and responding. It feels good to rant. I just joined this forum today. because I am feeling so conflicted and alone.
Please look after yourself. The anger is hurting you. Have you ever seen a therapist? Not because you are the problem, but because she is and it is hurting you. If I have it right you are subsidizing your mother and supporting her to live in her home.. It might be worth your while to talk to your local agency for aging to see if they have any help/ideas for you.You need to plan for your own old age.
- If you and siblings are paying for you mom's care, stop. This is unsustainable and will only result in even deeper anger, bitterness, division among your siblings, etc. Especially since your parents were utterly financially irresponsible their whole lives. - Have a family meeting and in an informational, unemotional way let them know that as of XX date you will only provide X care and you will not pay for anything related to your mother's care going forward. Offer up the plan to get her on Medicaid and into a facility. Any sibling who has not been contributing to date should have no comment on any of this except to now offer help.
- If no one has PoA for your mom and she refuses to give it, your family should allow her to become a ward of the state and she should be informed of this reality. She will still get the care she needs. It just won't be of her choosing. Alerting social services that she may be vulnerable adult can get that ball rolling.
- Don't feel guilty for a moment. Move on with your life and pursue peace and joy.
Blessings!
Dad lives on AL, near Mom's memory care and insists on being with her (married 62 years) as much as possible "to take care of her." However, nearly everything he does makes her life worse! I try to kindly explain time and time again what will help her, to no avail. His constant presence alone upsets Mom. Though Dad has no memory loss when it comes to everything else, I may as well be talking to a brick wall about what he can actually do that would help her.
He is totally focused on himself, closing her off from others, pestering her, putting all of his needs over hers, telling her what she needs to do (not!), insisting she not walk but use the wheelchair so he can push her and not have to be seen using a walker, monopolizing conversations with her siblings who try to engage her. The list hoes on. He throws fits when the staff tries to make him leave her room and they give up. Can't say I blame them!
I don't like being angry with him. In many ways he has always been a child and just doesn't get it.
When I (and others) visit and sitting right in front of him, he will complain that "nobody ever comes to visit."
Keep praying for patience, I tell myself...keep praying! So very frustrating!
I am normally a very kind and helpful person. Last week I walked out of her house one day & screamed at the top of my lungs and jumped up and down like Rumplestiltskin! (all out of her sight line, and she's so hard of hearing she didn't know) SO NOT LIKE ME! But she had been so demanding, hateful, and argumentative.
I had been so evil as to bring a new clock and try to set it up. Her clock that tells her the day of the week has been on the fritz. Because of that, she is taking the wrong day's Rx's - and maybe two days Rx, we aren't sure :(
She starting b*tching as I was unboxing it, and it went downhill fast. Calling me names, threatening me, you all know how it goes :\
She even pulled her favorite "You wouldn't treat your mom this way" card. To which I always reply "Yes, I do. I open doors for her, I help her in and out of the car when needed, I carry heavy boxes to the basement and handle any chores around the house that involve climbing or heavy things." She rolls her eyes. When I'm feeling salty, I add "The difference is . . . .my mom doesn't try to do these dangerous things, she waits until I can come and help her. And then . . . She tells me Thank You, she doesn't call me names!"
And like you Andrew, I leave feeling so disappointed in my behavior and guilty. I resolve to do better the next time . . . . and I DO try, but sometimes, I don't do one iota better, and I really hate that. Thanks for your honest post, somehow it helps to know I'm not the only one :(
You have a life long history of being manipulated by your mother so it might be best to start with small steps, such as visiting less. Maybe go to once a week, with a phone call or even Skype in between if you can stand it. Then talk to professionals to find resources for your mother's care and begin adding them in and removing more of yourself. Naturally your mother's going to fuss and press your buttons but you're going to have to be strong and stop abandoning yourself. Maybe you can find a competent (underlined) counselor to support you and help stop you from caving in to your mother. Life rolls along and you've got to guard your finances, happiness and health. You already gave, and it's not your fault that she's a mess. She knows you'll cave in and that's why she's got you by the ear.
Go, Andrew--you CAN do it!
Self preservation. Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and accept them. Cut back to once a week. Do something nice for yourself with that time. You are an adult and have the right to self determination. Live your life because she certainly has been living hers on her terms, right?
I'm basically a really nice person-but something about mother just brings out the 'mean' in me. I am not proud of the person she 'invokes' when I spend time with her. It's not her fault, and at age 90, she's clueless that she has always been this way---63 years of giving in to her wish and whims....I'm done.
I'm taking a 6 month break and will not speak to her unless she calls me (which she never does) and then in 2020 I will re-evaluate my ability to be around her and not be a hateful, horrible person.
life back. You deserve your own life.
In time they have adapted to these boundaries but I keep them at arm's length and don't spend much time with them..only socially now and then. Toxic parents cannot be trusted and it is always best to limit time with them. You are not obligated to take care of anyone who mistreat you.
I will never let either of my parents live with me and will not take care of them other than finding agencies to help them out. My therapists have always told me that my parents do not deserve help and can take care of themselves. Don't fall for manipulation (sob stories, etc). Mom tried that tactic on me but I learned fast she would do or say anything to lure me back into their "web" so they can gain power and control over me. So I say "No." a lot. Abusive people are not worth our time or energy. I'm on the verge if going No Contact again. They never get better. Its hard loving people who are hard to love and when the stakes get too high, its best to cut our losses and move on. Until we do, strong boundaries are our most valuable weapon. Just say "No."
Set boundaries, its not easy, walk away when she is abusive or critical when you are doing your best, you will still feel guilty that's how she has programmed you over the years but at least you may be able to spend time with other people who do not drain you.
My mother is the most negative person I have ever met, since I was very young she has had every disease known to man (mainly in her head) most of which she says have been caused by worrying about me! She is constantly wanting attention and cannot bear it if someone pays me a compliment. My Father spent 50 years waiting on her hand and foot so did me no favors, as she expected me to carry on where he left off when he died 14 years ago.
I am currently getting in help for her at home but she doesn't like it because she thinks it should be done by me. "Everyone else's daughters do this or that or the other you never do that" etc etc. My plan is to keep her safe and as well as possible with as little time spent in her negative space.
Try reading "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Here is a quote from one of your replies " I guess I'm fuming because the financial burden is really taking its toll, and it wouldn't be so bad if all siblings helped equally.". Who is making you be financially responsible for her? If the siblings who don't help set their boundaries against paying for her care, what is stopping you? You are allowed to set boundaries on how you will be treated, how often you will see her, what if any you pay, what you accept to do for her etc. etc. Have you sought any counseling for not only how to deal with her but also how to keep from becoming so angry. It is apparent she pushes your buttons and you allow it. I'm coming from experience here because I too went through my dad being so hateful to me that I dreaded seeing him and at one point when it was apparent I made his life terrible and a holy hell when he moved to the NH, I stayed away for 2 months. He finally apologized for yelling at me. But I will not for the sake of my health tolerate verbal abuse.
I certainly enjoyed reading the recent post on Aging Care about "going Gray Rock". It's something I'd suggest you google and read up on. It can save you when dealing with a narcissist or anyone trying to get a rise out of you. Do not see her twice a week. Save yourself if you feel you are worth it.
Let's just suppose you keeled over dead tomorrow...what would happen then? You would not be here to be her "bailer outer" or whipping post. So you see you do not have to have a presence if you don't want to. And if you do want to, you can decide the kind of presence. One of Dr. Phil's most famous questions to ask yourself is "how's that working for you"? It's a good one to ask in this situation.
You obviously care about your mom. You have not abandoned her. You visit her. She takes a lot out of you.
Caregiving even in the best of circumstances is draining on us. Sometimes it wears us down and then we are not our best selves. That isn’t your fault, it’s the situation at hand. You’re doing the best that you can.
Why do the elderly have OCD issues? Is that a generational thing? I deal with that too.
I wish you the very best. Take care.
Being old does not give a person The Right to do or say anything she damn well pleases, however, and neither does being in poor health. It is not your fault or my fault that our mother's are old and unwell. Nor is it our desire to hear them bad mouth everyone and complain endlessly or be stubborn to the point of insanity. We are doing the best we can. You are a good son because you show up, you care, you want to have patience, you try and you keep trying every single time. So do I. We haven't thrown in the towel where many, many, dare I say MANY others would have by now.
We're okay. It's alright not to be perfect. We're human and this is hard stuff. Nobody told us we'd be spending our later years doing this, caring for such difficult parents feeling like failures and fighting depression. I don't even think they know what we go thru for ONE single second, either. The feelings of inadequacy and nothing ever being enough. That hopeless feeling is the worst.
But this will pass, we will come out the other side, and we will resume our lives. One day. Not today and maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. So keep on keepin on, my friend, you're doing fine.