Anyone not like themselves after spending time with their elderly parent?

Thanks again for your responses. It helps to vent and hear other perspectives.
The boundaries I have set are I don't stay overnight, as she's always asking me, and I only come twice a week. Last week was so rough, I only came once.
I won't completely turn my back on my mom, so I'm trying to navigate how to help her and not self destruct.
The hospital and social workers have said my mom can't be forced into a nursing home because she's of sound mind, despite her extreme anxiety and OCD. My mom has put us in a situation where we may have to just let her get evicted to get her into a nursing home.
Boundaries with people like my mom are hard because they know exactly which buttons to push to make this as painful as possible for everyone. They will put themselves literally in harm's way, in the most labyrinthine manner.
Question: Has anyone ever heard of this. My mom has 2 fistulas from radiation/chemo. She has a problem with diarhea and incontinence. She wears 4 pairs of Depends underwear, poise pads, abd another brand all at one time. She changes every several times a day, but always that many at one time. She says they barely work. I've spoken to doctors about this and they just shrug. I don't know if this is all in her mind or a combination of her mind and reality.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I an writing from the perspective of having mad my Mum live with my family for nearly 10 years. I also had toxic in-laws.

You MUST set boundaries in order to protect your psyche and what will make you better able to be compassionate and kind when you are with her.

It's OK if she needs a nursing home and, hey, if she chooses to make it a miserable experience, that is her CHOICE and not your responsibility. Avoid taking on the responsibility to maker her happy. All of us are only as happy as we decide to be. You cannot change her, don't try, don't expect it, but do set boundaries to avoid her pushing your buttons and getting you to react.

You do not owe it to her to tuck her in at night, if she is afraid of falling, buy a $36 WYZE camera with the panning feature. Set one up in each room, someone can login and verify she has not fallen, nearby sibling could go pick her up, but not be obligated to tuck her in. Who tucks her in the other 6 days? You are not obligated. Or, if you want to tuck her in, then go later so you spend less time.

When we finally proved to ourselves that nothing we did would ever be good enough for FIL, we decided that we should just do the right thing, as we knew it in our hearts, but at our convenience, in our timing, so we did not resent doing it and could do it well. She has been manipulating you for your entire life, that is how she functions in life, it's not personal to you; however she taught you to obey her manipulation. You will need to step outside the emotions, be pragmatic and analytical and let go of being receptive to her manipulating.

I have three siblings, one is helpful from afar- she listens to me vent, she comes and helps now and again for a week or two to give me a break. I have a far away sibling who does little and only when I push; my other sibling lives in the same town and does very very little (I have not seen her in months), but thinks she does a lot. Mum and local sibling have always had a lousy relationship, I honestly don't judge her for not wanting to be with Mum, honestly, I don't. I felt very alone at first, but once I let go of expecting from other, I did better ;)

Again:
*If a nursing home is the right place, then that is the decision to make.
*Only she can choose to be happy, it's not your job to make her happy
*Do the right thing (in your heart) but don't be manipulated
*You choose what you want to do, let the siblings choose their actions.

You need to really get real Andrew. Nothing will change. The only thing you can change are your choices. From your last reply I can tell you feel beholden. I personally don’t think your siblings boundaries are extreme but to you they are. I guess your next decision is how do you cope with deciding not to change and to accept the way things are. One option is respite care for your mom so you can get a break. The other is to set boundaries. The other is to do nothing until it affects your health. Sorry to be blunt but this is the reality. It will only continue to spiral down. But hope you can make changes.

Totally understand! It does disturb our peace to be pressured & treated like a servant. (The worst part 4me, was not knowing when it would end.) Putting up with it for a year is do-able, 4 me, but after 6 years of it, I was angry as hell, & we barely spoke... (just so I wouldn't 'lose it'). I was mom's only child left, so I had to push through. Not proud to say that I prayed to God for it to end.

Thank you all for your responses. It helps so much to hear your thoughts and encouragement!

My mom can be a difficult person. She is stubborn and has always had a temper which can be viciously unreasonable at times and cross into hysteria. Her old age has made is worse since she has become homebound. She had cancer 15 years ago and the treatment left her with a fistula and many problems with incontinence. A few years ago she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. This is all on top of OCD and severe anxiety. My parents had insane financial issues, which left them with nothing, many times. My siblings and I are paying her rent, groceries, etc.
However, my parents were good parents. They always made sure we had a good home, a good education, tooks us on vacations, outings, etc. I have a lot to be thankful for. My parents' financial madness got worse and worse when when my brothers and sister and I all got older abd started moving out, getting married etc.
So, I really want to help my mom as best I can and make whatever time she has left as easy as possible. The problem is it is taking a mental, physical, and financial toll.
Some of you have mentioned boundaries, and you are right. I'm not doing that as well as I could. One sibling has always taken the attitude, "Her finances and health issues are her problem. She us selfish for not going to a nursing home," and has never done the slightest thing for her. I think this is an extreme boundary to set. My mom is absolutely terrified of going to a nursing home and she will be miserable there. Yes, she will make it even worse than it has to be, but she will he miserable nonetheless.
So I see all the problems and get upset abd angry, and my mother is making things so much harder just by dint of her personality, but I also see a scared, hurting person when I look into her eyes. Also, there will be times when I'll smell salt air and remember vacations at the beach my parents took us on, or remember when my Dad would take us out to the movies or something after he got home from work, when he probay just wanted to rest, and I'll think of how much they did for us.
Sunday is my day to go up. I seriously need a break. One sibling lives nearby but will only drop off groceries and leave. I usually stay the whole day to keep her company and tuck her into bed, which she always asks me to do. I told my sister I may have to take a break Sunday, and this became a drama. The one who drops the groceries off can't be expected to tuck her into bed(she's terrified of falling) even though he lives 10
minutes away, but all the pressure is on me, even though I live 2 and half hours away and sm unmarried without childrrn. I set bad boundaries, but this brother will just yell at her that she should be in a nursing home, which gets her even more hysterical. It's a mess. However, I may have to just take off because my health is important to.

I can and did see how caregiving is VERY draining, especially when one has to leave their state to move in with their late mother. However, while I almost could have crashed, I rallied by looking to the Lord. Prayers to you.

For the hour plus drive to visit/help Mom, I would give myself pep talks the whole ride down. For the hour plus drive home from this same visits/help, I would feel terrible & berate myself for not being more patient. Eight years of that. And I wasn’t alone. Both my brother & sister (the 3 of us share caregiving with an aide) felt the same way. We had many many discussions assuring each other there was no reason to feel guilty or think we should do more.

So, yes ... every darn day. Sigh......

I understand where you're coming from. I felt pressured by my mom too. If I was going to church she'd make me feel guilty for not staying home with her. She wanted me home all the time. Luckily we had hospice so I got some help. A couple of weeks before she passed she was in the nursing home and she thought I was there to take her home. I told her I couldn't take care of her anymore and she said she thought I could and when I told her again that I couldn't she got angry and told me to get the hell out of her room. We caregivers put up with a lot of crap from the ones we're taking care of. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best that you can.

i hate myself everyday - for planning to be one way only to get irritated and depressed quickly. I pray for patience. I think through the evening of what I will do differently the next day - only to find myself back in the same vicious circle.

My mother will be gone this coming Sunday one year and I miss her dearly.  Having said that I can totally relate to your post.  I would go to see her about 3 days a week after work.  I would (on most days) walk out angry, sad, defeated and feeling emotionally beat up.  I would always try to hold my temper, it wasn't easy but there was nothing I could do to make her happy.  She was very ill, immobile, would not consider a nursing home nor an assisted living situation and only had her aide (she paid privately) for 6 days a week for 6 hours a day.  It was very difficult to deal with.  My best advice, take care of yourself, in reality there is nothing you can do to make the situation for her better.  Hugs!

Yes, quite often. I pray before visiting my mother, I ask God to give me the patience to accept whatever she dishes out, whatever foul things she says, and to bite my tongue and act like a Gray Rock....expressionless and non reactive (there is a thread on that very topic here currently..,check it out). I fail, for the most part, because she pushes and pushes and PUSHES, I get irritated, then wind up self flagellation afterwards. How do YOU spell Vicious Cycle? Sigh.

Being old does not give a person The Right to do or say anything she damn well pleases, however, and neither does being in poor health. It is not your fault or my fault that our mother's are old and unwell. Nor is it our desire to hear them bad mouth everyone and complain endlessly or be stubborn to the point of insanity. We are doing the best we can. You are a good son because you show up, you care, you want to have patience, you try and you keep trying every single time. So do I. We haven't thrown in the towel where many, many, dare I say MANY others would have by now.

We're okay. It's alright not to be perfect. We're human and this is hard stuff. Nobody told us we'd be spending our later years doing this, caring for such difficult parents feeling like failures and fighting depression. I don't even think they know what we go thru for ONE single second, either. The feelings of inadequacy and nothing ever being enough. That hopeless feeling is the worst.

But this will pass, we will come out the other side, and we will resume our lives. One day. Not today and maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. So keep on keepin on, my friend, you're doing fine.

Dont feel guilty, you are helping her to live in her home. I understand the old and health issues, but that's part of living to an old age. Need to set boundaries, and expectations with you and her. Sometimes I hear "don't take it personally", which is hard especially when fully aimed at you. Need to take control of the situation by redirecting, boundaries, and setting times for you to visit for xyz. Hopefully she will see a change in your ways and change hers (a little). Or she can fight back more with demands, neediness, negativity but hang in there it's a work in process. Good luck.

Oh gosh, this post sounds like what many of us here have said. It takes awhile to sort out feelings. Many caregivers have experienced guilt.

You obviously care about your mom. You have not abandoned her. You visit her. She takes a lot out of you.

Caregiving even in the best of circumstances is draining on us. Sometimes it wears us down and then we are not our best selves. That isn’t your fault, it’s the situation at hand. You’re doing the best that you can.

Why do the elderly have OCD issues? Is that a generational thing? I deal with that too.

I wish you the very best. Take care.

Andrew you don't say if your mom has any diagnosis of dementia and I don't see any information in your profile about her. I'm guessing she does since she's not making rational decisions. Also, persons with dementia have a shrinking world and no, they will not remember your birthday, or ask about your life.... so like many of us here, we gave up on that recognition at some point. I'd advise you to do that too.
Here is a quote from one of your replies " I guess I'm fuming because the financial burden is really taking its toll, and it wouldn't be so bad if all siblings helped equally.". Who is making you be financially responsible for her? If the siblings who don't help set their boundaries against paying for her care, what is stopping you? You are allowed to set boundaries on how you will be treated, how often you will see her, what if any you pay, what you accept to do for her etc. etc. Have you sought any counseling for not only how to deal with her but also how to keep from becoming so angry. It is apparent she pushes your buttons and you allow it. I'm coming from experience here because I too went through my dad being so hateful to me that I dreaded seeing him and at one point when it was apparent I made his life terrible and a holy hell when he moved to the NH, I stayed away for 2 months. He finally apologized for yelling at me. But I will not for the sake of my health tolerate verbal abuse.
I certainly enjoyed reading the recent post on Aging Care about "going Gray Rock". It's something I'd suggest you google and read up on. It can save you when dealing with a narcissist or anyone trying to get a rise out of you. Do not see her twice a week. Save yourself if you feel you are worth it.
Let's just suppose you keeled over dead tomorrow...what would happen then? You would not be here to be her "bailer outer" or whipping post. So you see you do not have to have a presence if you don't want to. And if you do want to, you can decide the kind of presence. One of Dr. Phil's most famous questions to ask yourself is "how's that working for you"? It's a good one to ask in this situation.

I don't have a boatload of patience - never have. I have been able to be more patient than I ever thought possible with my autistic son, but I can't seem to extend that to my mother. Maybe it's because I resent having to be the one to do everything for her. My son does most things for himself and has always been eager to learn how. Mom never has and won't even try. First my grandparents did for her, then each of her 3 husbands, then me. All her life, if she didn't want to do something, she didn't. Bills and paperwork were always shuffled off to one of her husbands, her accountant/trustee, or me to take care of. Housework was handled by us kids from a very early age. When we moved out, it didn't get done at all. She worked full time for almost all of my childhood. When she wasn't working, she was shopping, gossiping, or pursuing her craft hobbies. I don't remember seeing her go to school events or spending 'quality time' with us. Now it seems like the things that always annoyed me about her annoy me even more. I do love her but I don't really like her and it makes me feel very ashamed. I think what bothers me the most is that she prevented me from having any relationship with my father or his family after they divorced - that has been simmering for almost 50 years. In her present state of dementia, I don't even know whether she remembers my father but it still eats at me and I sometimes find it difficult to even be civil to her. Still, I am the only one of her children and stepchildren who visit her every week.

Your Mother is a narcissist nothing you ever do will be enough or right. She will blame you for everything that goes wrong, will never say a nice word about you and continually judge you against other peoples children who will always be better, but for some unfathomable reason us children of such horrid Mothers still want their approval and love. I have spent my whole life there and it sounds like a few other caregivers on this page have as well.
Set boundaries, its not easy, walk away when she is abusive or critical when you are doing your best, you will still feel guilty that's how she has programmed you over the years but at least you may be able to spend time with other people who do not drain you.
My mother is the most negative person I have ever met, since I was very young she has had every disease known to man (mainly in her head) most of which she says have been caused by worrying about me! She is constantly wanting attention and cannot bear it if someone pays me a compliment. My Father spent 50 years waiting on her hand and foot so did me no favors, as she expected me to carry on where he left off when he died 14 years ago.
I am currently getting in help for her at home but she doesn't like it because she thinks it should be done by me. "Everyone else's daughters do this or that or the other you never do that" etc etc. My plan is to keep her safe and as well as possible with as little time spent in her negative space.
Try reading "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Your entry here really hits home with me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I too struggle with the feelings my father invokes on me when I am there. My dad is not in a happy place, and I leave feeling mad, sad, helpless, beaten down, a failure in caring for him, and just plain deflated. He makes me feel that I am failing him. Despite me practicing a therapists suggestions; He manages to bring me down into his pit (that sounds awful) & I fight to get back up. This site is a God send. It lets me know that I AM NOT ALONE - Others here are struggling with the same issues. They truly understand whereas most family & friends don’t really see what you deal with. You are a good person. When the visit is done put it past you. Don’t dwell or overthink it. That’s what I do & I am trying to get better at it. It’s not easy. Try & find the good in your visits & hang onto them. Also, shorter, more often visits may help. However my father & I talk multiple times over the phone & it’s also hard to hear him be so unhappy. But...he won’t take any steps to improve his life. Trynot to be in her ‘rut’. She will take you down with her if you are weak. I get it...it’s not a happy place for them. But you need to care for them, but not let it take over your own life. Good luck! It’s never easy when you love someone who is hard on you this way.

I have a very difficult and cruel mother and father. They are 79 and 87. Due to their abusiveness I have strong boundaries to what I will and won't tolerate. If they don't respect my boundaries, I back away. They are toxic and extremely self righteous. When they have been scary/menacing/ganging up on me I went No Contact for over a year each time. Later when dad got sick I resumed contact but learned quickly that they wanted to punish me so I backed away again and again. Eventually they learned: if you abuse her, you lose contact.
In time they have adapted to these boundaries but I keep them at arm's length and don't spend much time with them..only socially now and then. Toxic parents cannot be trusted and it is always best to limit time with them. You are not obligated to take care of anyone who mistreat you.

I will never let either of my parents live with me and will not take care of them other than finding agencies to help them out. My therapists have always told me that my parents do not deserve help and can take care of themselves. Don't fall for manipulation (sob stories, etc). Mom tried that tactic on me but I learned fast she would do or say anything to lure me back into their "web" so they can gain power and control over me. So I say "No." a lot. Abusive people are not worth our time or energy. I'm on the verge if going No Contact again. They never get better. Its hard loving people who are hard to love and when the stakes get too high, its best to cut our losses and move on. Until we do, strong boundaries are our most valuable weapon. Just say "No."

I hear you! My mom is almost 93 and while still pretty mobile, can bath herself, cook and even drive a bit she really is going to need more care down the road. I'm so ready to be away from her. She tends to "mope" around my house if I'm not spending all my free-time doing for HER! I work full-time and have 2 days to do everything, i.e. laundry, grocery shopping, clean the house, take care of the yard, run her around for her errands, try and do my errands, and try and see some of my friends as being around a 92 all weekend is lonely and depressing. She can't hear - won't get a hearing aid because of the cost. I think she is only going to become more and more difficult down the road. I DREAD what is in the future. I just want to enjoy my life a bit as I've worked almost 40 years. I want to spend time with my friends as they are my family. I'm not married nor have children. I'd like to see what else is out there - be free to date, meet new people. I'm in such a rut and she can make me see red! I bought something for my home that only cost $9.00 and get told, "You must make a lot of money - you are always spending it"...OMG! On what? I never take a vacation except for one night maybe once a year and I buy everything on sale, get the cheapest haircuts, don't spend much on entertainment as I stay home almost every night. I'm so tired of her negative, critical, attitude. I try to be patient as she's outlived all her 9 siblings, 2 of her own children and most of her friends! I fear she's going to outlive me! Or by the time she goes I'll have one foot in the ground. THEN I feel like I'm a horrible person for thinking these thoughts. She needs to go to AL - where she will have company, stay busy, make new friends and be engaged. She's by herself at my home for the last 3 years - I believe it's to make sure I don't have a life or she has to know every move I make. I'm almost 60 and hate this. When I'm away from her I feel happy, have lots of friends, co-workers and interests, hobbies, etc. But yes I know where you are coming from.

Without question, my mother brings out the absolute worst in me. I go home from a visit in tears most the time, and I hate myself for letting the drama get to me.

I'm basically a really nice person-but something about mother just brings out the 'mean' in me. I am not proud of the person she 'invokes' when I spend time with her. It's not her fault, and at age 90, she's clueless that she has always been this way---63 years of giving in to her wish and whims....I'm done.

I'm taking a 6 month break and will not speak to her unless she calls me (which she never does) and then in 2020 I will re-evaluate my ability to be around her and not be a hateful, horrible person.

Unfortunately, often when I visit my FIL I leave feeling depressed (he's got nothing good to say) and hopeless (he's never going to change). I am not a depressed person but around him, I have left feeling run over by a Mac truck of negativity. He saps my energy and I dread the next visit.

Self preservation. Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and accept them. Cut back to once a week. Do something nice for yourself with that time. You are an adult and have the right to self determination. Live your life because she certainly has been living hers on her terms, right?

Andrew,

You have a life long history of being manipulated by your mother so it might be best to start with small steps, such as visiting less. Maybe go to once a week, with a phone call or even Skype in between if you can stand it. Then talk to professionals to find resources for your mother's care and begin adding them in and removing more of yourself. Naturally your mother's going to fuss and press your buttons but you're going to have to be strong and stop abandoning yourself. Maybe you can find a competent (underlined) counselor to support you and help stop you from caving in to your mother. Life rolls along and you've got to guard your finances, happiness and health. You already gave, and it's not your fault that she's a mess. She knows you'll cave in and that's why she's got you by the ear.

Go, Andrew--you CAN do it!

Oh my goodness - yes! MIL can actually push my buttons better than my own mom, or even my hubby and kids! And sometimes I leave so disgusted with how I behaved :(

I am normally a very kind and helpful person. Last week I walked out of her house one day & screamed at the top of my lungs and jumped up and down like Rumplestiltskin! (all out of her sight line, and she's so hard of hearing she didn't know) SO NOT LIKE ME! But she had been so demanding, hateful, and argumentative.

I had been so evil as to bring a new clock and try to set it up. Her clock that tells her the day of the week has been on the fritz. Because of that, she is taking the wrong day's Rx's - and maybe two days Rx, we aren't sure :(

She starting b*tching as I was unboxing it, and it went downhill fast. Calling me names, threatening me, you all know how it goes :\

She even pulled her favorite "You wouldn't treat your mom this way" card. To which I always reply "Yes, I do. I open doors for her, I help her in and out of the car when needed, I carry heavy boxes to the basement and handle any chores around the house that involve climbing or heavy things." She rolls her eyes. When I'm feeling salty, I add "The difference is . . . .my mom doesn't try to do these dangerous things, she waits until I can come and help her. And then . . . She tells me Thank You, she doesn't call me names!"

And like you Andrew, I leave feeling so disappointed in my behavior and guilty. I resolve to do better the next time . . . . and I DO try, but sometimes, I don't do one iota better, and I really hate that. Thanks for your honest post, somehow it helps to know I'm not the only one :(

Yes, there is a lot of guilt with caregiving. I care for my husband and definitely beat myself up regularly. Is there someone you can talk too? The one supportive sibling or a therapist? It is important that you are able to discuss your feelings. Have you spoken to an elder law attorney or someone to make sure she doesn’t qualify for something? If you’re supporting her financially, she might (or the selling of her home would cover the NH care for a period of time.) I would also say if she is ever hospitalized, tell them it is unsafe for her to return to live on her own. This would probably start the ball rolling for nursing home placement. 🌸

Andrew, you came here to vent, nothing wrong with that, plenty here need to do the same, but do you want to do anything to change the situation? Don’t assume it can’t be done just wondering if you’re interested

I feel terrible after seeing my Dad. I always seem to end up angry with him...nothing new really, but more often and more intense since he's in NH.

Dad lives on AL, near Mom's memory care and insists on being with her (married 62 years) as much as possible "to take care of her." However, nearly everything he does makes her life worse! I try to kindly explain time and time again what will help her, to no avail. His constant presence alone upsets Mom. Though Dad has no memory loss when it comes to everything else, I may as well be talking to a brick wall about what he can actually do that would help her.

He is totally focused on himself, closing her off from others, pestering her, putting all of his needs over hers, telling her what she needs to do (not!), insisting she not walk but use the wheelchair so he can push her and not have to be seen using a walker, monopolizing conversations with her siblings who try to engage her. The list hoes on. He throws fits when the staff tries to make him leave her room and they give up. Can't say I blame them!

I don't like being angry with him. In many ways he has always been a child and just doesn't get it.

When I (and others) visit and sitting right in front of him, he will complain that "nobody ever comes to visit."

Keep praying for patience, I tell myself...keep praying! So very frustrating!

I’m living your life! Almost exactly. All I can say is SOMEDAY you will be blessed if not already.

Oh boy, I can relate to that. Every time I leave I have to check to see if my tongue is still intact from biting it so much. I wish I had the magic bullet we all are so desperately looking for, but, as you know, there are no quick fixes. And those with the difficult parents are the ones that get the seemingly non-stop verbal abuse along with the never-ending demands. From where I stand if mom was a loving caring person, I at least could put aside the present turmoil and think back on good memories, and maintain a level of patience and understanding. Since she never has been and was selfish and difficult through my entire life.....I'm at ropes end at the time she needs me most. For many of us this is a long and arduous journey....the only way to get through is by sharpening our survival skills and not waiver in the importance of putting our own well being front and center. Don"t allow the guilt to consume you......You are only one person going above and beyond. Mom is most fortunate to have you.

Yes AndrewChisholm, I feel the same and you said it perfectly. I feel bad about who I am as a person after spending time with my elderly parents. Boy, I can't believe I just wrote that. There were plenty of good and happy times growing up which kept me involved with them. There were also many times I was told I was neglectful of whatever they needed from me at the moment, I was "a zero", and my husband even became their target when they called him "neglectful" for being tardy to events or not meeting their expectations of something minor. I have felt hopeless, and not gotten any help from my self-centered sibling either. Then I feel overwhelming guilt since they are sick and old. It can be a spiral that leads to a bad place if you let it. Pull back a bit. I think those feelings are coming from what our parents have thrown onto us, and none of it is actually true. I suggest putting your own sanity and emotional well being first. You do not owe it to your elderly parent to sacrifice your own health for their benefit. Limit the time spent. Do what you can remotely. You matter too.

AndrewChisholm, I'm so sorry for the emotional and mental pain you're in right now. IMO you need to make practical choices now for your own sanity.
- If you and siblings are paying for you mom's care, stop. This is unsustainable and will only result in even deeper anger, bitterness, division among your siblings, etc. Especially since your parents were utterly financially irresponsible their whole lives. - Have a family meeting and in an informational, unemotional way let them know that as of XX date you will only provide X care and you will not pay for anything related to your mother's care going forward. Offer up the plan to get her on Medicaid and into a facility. Any sibling who has not been contributing to date should have no comment on any of this except to now offer help.
- If no one has PoA for your mom and she refuses to give it, your family should allow her to become a ward of the state and she should be informed of this reality. She will still get the care she needs. It just won't be of her choosing. Alerting social services that she may be vulnerable adult can get that ball rolling.
- Don't feel guilty for a moment. Move on with your life and pursue peace and joy.
Blessings!