Mom calls me then hangs up or insults me. What should I do?

These calls? When they go South? Just say "Oooops. Sorry. Gotta go, Mom. Talk later" and hang up.
If she hangs up first that's all the better.

You aren't going to change anybody,
so.....................
It's time you change your own way of handling things and your own reactions. Best of luck.

Only you can make the choice on how often to visit. If it were me, I would stop for a full month. Let the nurses know that if there is a change in her condition, to give you a call.

Reason for this move, is to give mom a chance to settle into her new environment and to reduce the tension between the two of you. Stop answering these calls from her.

Stop allowing guilt to run the show. Elderly people will decline. Sure, they can stabilize for a short time, but then the condition will progress. If the elder chooses to leave the facility, in most cases, they will decline in a couple of weeks in their own home environment due to the lack of structure. At least in a SNF, they are on a routine for meals, medications, hygiene, physical therapy, and socialization due to other staff and residents. The routine keeps them stabilized. However, with one worn out caregiver and in a home environment, they will decline quickly and caregiver is included. One person is not cut out for long term care of a sick person without eventually suffering healthcare and financial issues themselves.

Trust and believe you made the right call for your mom's care. Do something nice for yourself. Drop the guilt.

Thank God you "dumped her" in a nursing home or she'd be mistreating you 24/7 instead of once in awhile. These types of women always, always find something to complain about, wherever they live, even if it were in Buckingham palace.

I vote for once a week visits. Let mom know you'll be leaving if she starts carrying on, too. I did that with my mother in Memory Care and if she wanted company, she miraculously behaved herself nicely. Even with advanced dementia. It's not our fault they're old and infirmed. We didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. It is within their control, however, to treat us decently.

Best of luck to you.

"I have 2 older brothers that don't visit or call her or deal w her or any of her financial or medical issues."

Your brothers have the right idea. Be more like them.

No one gets dumped into a nursing home. They go there because their needs are too much for family to handle. Drop down to once a week visits and if she is rude make it every other week. Why do you put up with abuse and your brothers are golden?

If you're having a hard time standing up against her abuse for your own sake, you might have a better time if you consider it's also for her sake. Letting our elderly (or anyone else) get deeply entrenched in hateful thought spirals isn't good for them either. If she goes immediately into her whine and insult routine whenever she sees you then do BOTH of you a favor and cut down the visits.

She is in a nursing home and being cared for. Do as much or as little as you like. Only you can decide what works for you.

You can't dump a person in a nursing home. They have to have a doctor's order and various assessments before they'll be accepted, and they only accept those who really need their services. If ignorant people want to judge you for helping your mom to get into a place where she has the 24/7 care she requires, so be it. You don't have to live your life for them. Live your life for YOU.

And for heaven's sake, stop doing her laundry. I'm sure the facility has laundry service, and she can avail herself of it rather than impose on you. Is this a lifelong game she's played with you? Annoying and insulting and taking advantage of you until you pay attention to her or provide some service that she wants? Because it's time for that game to be over.

Best wishes in dealing with all of this. I'm sure you'll be much happier when you set your boundaries and stick to them.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Sadly this is a common situation. Lots of great advice herein. Hope you can take some time to process it.

She is angry at her losses. We all would likely feel the same. And you are the closest "punching bag" near her; but your role is to not stand there and just take it -- to be her personal punching bag.

Had the same w/my mom. I finally said it, "you are mad" at this situation but I did not cause it and further I cannot fix it for you. I would be mad too, but I am not your personal punching bag. If you cannot be civil, then I will leave and it will be a week (next time two weeks), etc before I visit or call.

She was too far gone -- dementia -- to modify her behavior and one cannot expect them to change into a nice butterfly once entrenched in this pattern. So "let her," let her be as mad as hell and you do you, your thing for your mental health even if that means "no contact" or very little contact. Nothing you can do will change her or the situation and she is getting the care she needs. Stepping back is gut wrenching but for your health and well being it is likely to help.

Also I worked with a great therapist to work through and process all of this, still working on it even 2 years after my mom passed. Worth considering getting that type of help or grief counselor for yourself as this is a really tough journey that none of use asked to take.

Best wishes, hugs and hope you do not beat yourself up for the hard decisions you now have to make.

Tell the facility you want no calls unless its an emergency and thats from a staff member or staff needing info in reference to Moms care. You don't want calls from Mom at all because they are just abusive and upsetting. Talk to the Director of Nursing.

You do not have to be abused. If your visiting and Mom gets started just get up, kiss her on the cheek and tell her you will be back when she can talk to you nicely. If its once a week you want to visit, then its once a week.