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My 91 y o mom recently went to short term rehab last summer but was not able to return to Sr independent living apartment so she is now a resident if the SNF/LTC facility. I usually visit her every other day and also do her laundry for her. Since Christmas day episode when I visit her I have kept it short and if she starts to guilt trip me or say I'm lying about the situation or her where her things are I leave. It always happens. Lately she's been calling me and being mean or hanging up on me or saying "she's finding a new family ". She doesn't have her own phone just for this reason and ask to use the nurses desk phone and they help her. I've gotten to the point now where if that ph number comes up don't even answer it cause I know if its a staff member calling me about something that's happen w my Mom they will leave a message.I have 2 older brothers that don't visit or call her or deal w her or any of her financial or medical issues. I've told my mom when she gets on a roll to call her son's about stuff. But she never does. I know she has some dementia issues but I really think and feel she knows what she's saying to me to hurt me verbally. I confront her also on what's she said or made me feel and she never acknowledges what she said to me and uses the "I don't remember " or " I am a dummy now"
Should I just quit visiting her and only go once a week. I've told myself this is what I should do but end up visiting her as I feel like I am one of those family members that dumped their mom in a nursing home.

She is in a nursing home and being cared for. Do as much or as little as you like. Only you can decide what works for you.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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"I have 2 older brothers that don't visit or call her or deal w her or any of her financial or medical issues."

Your brothers have the right idea. Be more like them.
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Reply to olddude
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These calls? When they go South? Just say "Oooops. Sorry. Gotta go, Mom. Talk later" and hang up.
If she hangs up first that's all the better.

You aren't going to change anybody,
so.....................
It's time you change your own way of handling things and your own reactions. Best of luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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No one gets dumped into a nursing home. They go there because their needs are too much for family to handle. Drop down to once a week visits and if she is rude make it every other week. Why do you put up with abuse and your brothers are golden?
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Thank God you "dumped her" in a nursing home or she'd be mistreating you 24/7 instead of once in awhile. These types of women always, always find something to complain about, wherever they live, even if it were in Buckingham palace.

I vote for once a week visits. Let mom know you'll be leaving if she starts carrying on, too. I did that with my mother in Memory Care and if she wanted company, she miraculously behaved herself nicely. Even with advanced dementia. It's not our fault they're old and infirmed. We didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. It is within their control, however, to treat us decently.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Only you can make the choice on how often to visit. If it were me, I would stop for a full month. Let the nurses know that if there is a change in her condition, to give you a call.

Reason for this move, is to give mom a chance to settle into her new environment and to reduce the tension between the two of you. Stop answering these calls from her.

Stop allowing guilt to run the show. Elderly people will decline. Sure, they can stabilize for a short time, but then the condition will progress. If the elder chooses to leave the facility, in most cases, they will decline in a couple of weeks in their own home environment due to the lack of structure. At least in a SNF, they are on a routine for meals, medications, hygiene, physical therapy, and socialization due to other staff and residents. The routine keeps them stabilized. However, with one worn out caregiver and in a home environment, they will decline quickly and caregiver is included. One person is not cut out for long term care of a sick person without eventually suffering healthcare and financial issues themselves.

Trust and believe you made the right call for your mom's care. Do something nice for yourself. Drop the guilt.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Scampie1 Jan 12, 2026
I also forgot to mention that you are no one's emotional punching bag. You don't have to take disrespect and abuse. When it starts, leave.
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You can't dump a person in a nursing home. They have to have a doctor's order and various assessments before they'll be accepted, and they only accept those who really need their services. If ignorant people want to judge you for helping your mom to get into a place where she has the 24/7 care she requires, so be it. You don't have to live your life for them. Live your life for YOU.

And for heaven's sake, stop doing her laundry. I'm sure the facility has laundry service, and she can avail herself of it rather than impose on you. Is this a lifelong game she's played with you? Annoying and insulting and taking advantage of you until you pay attention to her or provide some service that she wants? Because it's time for that game to be over.

Best wishes in dealing with all of this. I'm sure you'll be much happier when you set your boundaries and stick to them.
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Reply to Fawnby
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If you're having a hard time standing up against her abuse for your own sake, you might have a better time if you consider it's also for her sake. Letting our elderly (or anyone else) get deeply entrenched in hateful thought spirals isn't good for them either. If she goes immediately into her whine and insult routine whenever she sees you then do BOTH of you a favor and cut down the visits.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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YOU are guilt-tripping yourself! You don't need mom to do it!
You "feel like one of those family members that DUMPED their mom in a nursing home". Why? You did not Dump her! She is there because her advancing age and her declining health have necessitated it. You can not fix this for her!
She is playing on your own insecurity and guilty emotions, and yet you keep showing up for her and allowing it again and again.
You are right not to answer the phone calls. It is not to hurt your mother, but to protect yourself from the harassment.
Do not feel obligated to go and visit her once a week or more. When you visit, it should be because you feel in your heart that you wish to see her, and to ease her burden of loneliness. If you go less often, and she stops relying on you, she may start to accept her new lifestyle and make friends with other residents.

You are not responsible for her situation. And, you can not fix it or change it, no matter how much she complains. And, yes, her dementia will cause her to act out in a way that you never expected, and that she can't control. So, when she does say unkind things, try and let it go. Remind yourself this is part of her disease. Have a little sympathy for her and do what you can to ease her pain. Do not feel guilty about her life circumstance. It sucks growing old and being in a nursing home at the end of your life. Let her grieve her former life.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Yes, feel free to visit only once a month if that will help. You don't need to take abuse.
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Reply to JustAnon
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