My 91 y o mom recently went to short term rehab last summer but was not able to return to Sr independent living apartment so she is now a resident if the SNF/LTC facility. I usually visit her every other day and also do her laundry for her. Since Christmas day episode when I visit her I have kept it short and if she starts to guilt trip me or say I'm lying about the situation or her where her things are I leave. It always happens. Lately she's been calling me and being mean or hanging up on me or saying "she's finding a new family ". She doesn't have her own phone just for this reason and ask to use the nurses desk phone and they help her. I've gotten to the point now where if that ph number comes up don't even answer it cause I know if its a staff member calling me about something that's happen w my Mom they will leave a message.I have 2 older brothers that don't visit or call her or deal w her or any of her financial or medical issues. I've told my mom when she gets on a roll to call her son's about stuff. But she never does. I know she has some dementia issues but I really think and feel she knows what she's saying to me to hurt me verbally. I confront her also on what's she said or made me feel and she never acknowledges what she said to me and uses the "I don't remember " or " I am a dummy now"
Should I just quit visiting her and only go once a week. I've told myself this is what I should do but end up visiting her as I feel like I am one of those family members that dumped their mom in a nursing home.
If she hangs up first that's all the better.
You aren't going to change anybody,
so.....................
It's time you change your own way of handling things and your own reactions. Best of luck.
Reason for this move, is to give mom a chance to settle into her new environment and to reduce the tension between the two of you. Stop answering these calls from her.
Stop allowing guilt to run the show. Elderly people will decline. Sure, they can stabilize for a short time, but then the condition will progress. If the elder chooses to leave the facility, in most cases, they will decline in a couple of weeks in their own home environment due to the lack of structure. At least in a SNF, they are on a routine for meals, medications, hygiene, physical therapy, and socialization due to other staff and residents. The routine keeps them stabilized. However, with one worn out caregiver and in a home environment, they will decline quickly and caregiver is included. One person is not cut out for long term care of a sick person without eventually suffering healthcare and financial issues themselves.
Trust and believe you made the right call for your mom's care. Do something nice for yourself. Drop the guilt.
I vote for once a week visits. Let mom know you'll be leaving if she starts carrying on, too. I did that with my mother in Memory Care and if she wanted company, she miraculously behaved herself nicely. Even with advanced dementia. It's not our fault they're old and infirmed. We didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. It is within their control, however, to treat us decently.
Best of luck to you.
Your brothers have the right idea. Be more like them.
And for heaven's sake, stop doing her laundry. I'm sure the facility has laundry service, and she can avail herself of it rather than impose on you. Is this a lifelong game she's played with you? Annoying and insulting and taking advantage of you until you pay attention to her or provide some service that she wants? Because it's time for that game to be over.
Best wishes in dealing with all of this. I'm sure you'll be much happier when you set your boundaries and stick to them.
She is angry at her losses. We all would likely feel the same. And you are the closest "punching bag" near her; but your role is to not stand there and just take it -- to be her personal punching bag.
Had the same w/my mom. I finally said it, "you are mad" at this situation but I did not cause it and further I cannot fix it for you. I would be mad too, but I am not your personal punching bag. If you cannot be civil, then I will leave and it will be a week (next time two weeks), etc before I visit or call.
She was too far gone -- dementia -- to modify her behavior and one cannot expect them to change into a nice butterfly once entrenched in this pattern. So "let her," let her be as mad as hell and you do you, your thing for your mental health even if that means "no contact" or very little contact. Nothing you can do will change her or the situation and she is getting the care she needs. Stepping back is gut wrenching but for your health and well being it is likely to help.
Also I worked with a great therapist to work through and process all of this, still working on it even 2 years after my mom passed. Worth considering getting that type of help or grief counselor for yourself as this is a really tough journey that none of use asked to take.
Best wishes, hugs and hope you do not beat yourself up for the hard decisions you now have to make.
You do not have to be abused. If your visiting and Mom gets started just get up, kiss her on the cheek and tell her you will be back when she can talk to you nicely. If its once a week you want to visit, then its once a week.
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