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I've talked about my mother's behavior in this forum before. Selfish. I'm absolutely exhausted, 2 jobs, 2 teenage boys with Championship football games to attend, Regionals are next, and then State 3 hours away, broken bones, surgeries, endoscopy, GI, Cardiology appts, diagnosis we'll keep an eye on, over the last 2.5 months, and struggling to stay on top of the bills while not emptying my account, I'm pretty much doing extra 2 or 3 "Mom" obligations every single day for months, while ignoring my own health. I'm so exhausted I'm having trouble walking up 4 steps, but it goes right over her head. She needs her pudding. She needs her candies. She's not going to starve to death. She'll even say that herself, but the very next day, a new message "My food things are gone from my fridge. I need more. Hurry." I know it's okay to just ignore her and do only what I can, when I can, but I still don't feel like it's okay. Lately her visits have been, "When I was a kid, my grandparents lived with us. It was wonderful." Either she forgets that it wasn't wonderful for her, or she forgets that I know it was wonderful. It got so bad my grandfather kicked his in-laws out because their behavior was so uncontrollable, even Abusive to my mom and uncle as children. I'm at a point that I just don't ever want to visit her, ever. It feels ungrateful to not want to see her. I know I would tell myself, if she passed without me visiting for a while, that I should have visited her. I should have been kinder and more understanding of her. I just can't do it, right now.

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I know you've been on this forum long enough to know the word "boundaries". You don't seem to have any with your Mom, and maybe not even your kids.

You also have probably read on here the opinion "caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms". You need to make yourself the priority because no one else is going to do that for you. If you burn out because you can't make boundaries with your Mom, then who is going to bring her the pudding in a hurry?

You are not your Mother's Entertainment Committee. Her emergency is not your urgency, you are not responsible for her happiness, etc.

Have all her calls go to voicemail. Think before you react to any requests and you will how so little of what she asks is actually urgent.

Boundaries are what's going to save your life.
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mommabeans Nov 17, 2025
Sooo, being present at all my kids football games, taking them to have their broken bones cared for, surgeries done and follow-ups, is not having any boundaries with my kids??? You can't be serious about that. Seriously?
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It's okay if you don't take your mom her snacks until you're good and ready to.

It's true. It is okay.
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Reply to DaughterofAD3
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Your mom has had a lifetime to plan for her own eldercare. Evidently you were the plan, but did you ever agree to being everything she thinks she needs? I doubt it.

Order what she needs from Walmart or Amazon. Order one day a week. They deliver. Visit rarely. If she has a fit, so be it. If it kills her, so be it. You tried your best.

I don't have sympathy for elder brats. I would never treat my children the way your mom treats you. The only reason she can treat you this way is that you let her, and she's spent a lifetime grooming you for this. What is more important to you - your bratty mom whose wishes you were taught to obey, or your boys, who need you to be the best mom you can be? Honest answer? It had better be your boys!

You can get out of your obligations to mom. It will take learning to think differently, and I'm sure you could do that if you wanted to.
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Ziabonita Nov 28, 2025
I laughed when I read "elder,brats my mother has always been a high conflict personality.She is in hospice care at home at 88 with C.O.P.D.Iam her primary caregiver.She is nasty abusive to me.Iam learning so much about how to protect myself from her sadistic verbal abuse.I take care of her basic needs then avoid her and listen to soft music until it's time for meals and meds.She talks out loud and has conversations with someone in her head.When nuses come from hospice she is completely different.Its hard not to react to her verbal abuse which just fuels the fire.I just walking away and let her yell foul nasty stuff until she wears herself out.Thank God for Ativan.I slip it into her ensure every 6 hours.It calms her down but she is still nasty.
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Remember during the lockdown days of covid when we weren't allowed to jump thru fiery hoops for our loved ones in managed care who were demanding it? That was the one single good thing during a time of misery. The No Visiting rule. Except moms Memory Care had a deal where we could do window visits over the phone and stand outside in the snow, literally, and freeze our arses off talking (screaming) thru the phone at our loved ones sitting in a comfy chair on a phone on the other side. Those visits were short at least, due to the cold conditions.

Anyway, I digress. I used Amazon 2 day delivery to send ma what she wanted, snack wise, directly to her during lockdown and then continued that practice afterward. A beautiful answer to dropping everything to grocery shop in addition to the other Superwoman duties on your plate. And listen, if you neglect your health and die as a result, God forbid, who's gonna be Superwoman for everyone THEN? Think about it.

Use moms funds to order from Amazon or get her a Wal Mart delivery plan for $99 a year and you can send her $35 worth of junk food including ice cream same day. Delivered to her. No hassles. Done and done.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Hey, Momma. Hope all is going relatively well. If the snack issue is now the worst of it, I think overall things are looking up. You are a tough gal. I trust you completely to set your mom straight on all of this.

Don't expect god-like or Saint-like behavior out of yourself. That's not realistic. And like I always say, Sainthood is a real bad job description; don't apply.
It is a kind of self-harming to play into the hands of someone abusive. I know you here, and your wise advice, and I know you can handle this for yourself. I wish you, as always, the best.
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mommabeans Nov 17, 2025
It's not the worst of it. My brother asked maintenance to not put her AC in storage, but he never went to pick it up. She ripped it out of the window because she's always hated it. His fault, I say. But all she did while he was there to finally pick it up and apologize for her behavior was trash our father, whom she's been divorced from for nearly 50 years, and is now having his own health/end of life issues but she can't even stop complaining about things that happened/or didn't we'll never really know, a half century ago, the same stories we've been forced to listen to for just that long, since I was 5, because she's always exaggerated the level of victimhood. She's forgotten everything else, but that she hates our father. So, my brother told her off. And now she's messaging me about his cruelty to her. I'm ignoring her.
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Her money buy her snacks and needs and has them delivered to her home. You visit as a friendly face when it’s convenient for you and stop being the errand person. No apology necessary
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Healthy boundaries are our friend. If you can't "walk up more than 4 steps,"you need to re-prioritize your own needs first.
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Reply to Nan333
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Momma,
I think one of the things I see over and over again in your responses (and thanks for being so participatory in your question to us) is that you are making yourself aren't responsible for your mom's happiness. And to be frank, for everyone's including the kids and their needs.

Most of this isn't your responsibility. And old age isn't about happy. She never WAS happy. You are responsible for YOURSELF. No one can make her happy. And at 83 I assure you old age isn't about happy and she's not going to be happy. The more you do the more she expects you to do. We tell people by our actions who we are. If we act as a servant they will accept that we wish to BE a servant, and there will be no thanks involves. Just hope to avoid the whip.

You are responsible for YOU and for your kids. And by that I don't mean for every little chauffeur ride they want. But for their basic health and well being, and for training THEM in their teen years to be independent and to help others; that's what the world will require of them.
And you are responsible most of all for YOURSELF. To keep yourself healthy and to be good to yourself even in tough time.

Sure mom is dissatisfied. Who isn't? Are YOU satisfied. Life is tough and then we die, as the expression goes.

Picture that kitten poster where he's hanging off a branch by his nails. The one that says "Hang in there". Practice the serenity prayer to remind yourself you can handle this. You know, you have told us of unhappiness of your childhood, and I think you decided that YOU would never do that, that YOU would make everyone happy. But the truth is that when we do that people don't ever stop to think or thank. They just expect it of us.

Hang in there!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Walmart delivers foods online
Amazon delivers foods online
Your local grocery will deliver foods online

Buy a case of her puddings buy a case of her candies. Ship both to the house.

Let things roll to voice mail.
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You can ignore her requests and choose yourself.
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