I've talked about my mother's behavior in this forum before. Selfish. I'm absolutely exhausted, 2 jobs, 2 teenage boys with Championship football games to attend, Regionals are next, and then State 3 hours away, broken bones, surgeries, endoscopy, GI, Cardiology appts, diagnosis we'll keep an eye on, over the last 2.5 months, and struggling to stay on top of the bills while not emptying my account, I'm pretty much doing extra 2 or 3 "Mom" obligations every single day for months, while ignoring my own health. I'm so exhausted I'm having trouble walking up 4 steps, but it goes right over her head. She needs her pudding. She needs her candies. She's not going to starve to death. She'll even say that herself, but the very next day, a new message "My food things are gone from my fridge. I need more. Hurry." I know it's okay to just ignore her and do only what I can, when I can, but I still don't feel like it's okay. Lately her visits have been, "When I was a kid, my grandparents lived with us. It was wonderful." Either she forgets that it wasn't wonderful for her, or she forgets that I know it was wonderful. It got so bad my grandfather kicked his in-laws out because their behavior was so uncontrollable, even Abusive to my mom and uncle as children. I'm at a point that I just don't ever want to visit her, ever. It feels ungrateful to not want to see her. I know I would tell myself, if she passed without me visiting for a while, that I should have visited her. I should have been kinder and more understanding of her. I just can't do it, right now.
You can also tell mom that if she "needs" pudding now she can do a grocery order and have it delivered. (Only if she is cognizant and in charge of her own finances) Or you can do this for her if you wish. Having her grocery items delivered just might give you a break as well and free up a few hours during the week.
I have to tell you that no matter how often you visit, no matter how long you stay when she dies you will tell yourself you should have visited more often and stayed longer. No matter how kind you were, how understanding you were you will tell yourself you should have been more, done more. Do not do that to yourself. You are a mom, your kids need you more than your mom needs you. You also need to take care of yourself.
It's true. It is okay.
Order what she needs from Walmart or Amazon. Order one day a week. They deliver. Visit rarely. If she has a fit, so be it. If it kills her, so be it. You tried your best.
I don't have sympathy for elder brats. I would never treat my children the way your mom treats you. The only reason she can treat you this way is that you let her, and she's spent a lifetime grooming you for this. What is more important to you - your bratty mom whose wishes you were taught to obey, or your boys, who need you to be the best mom you can be? Honest answer? It had better be your boys!
You can get out of your obligations to mom. It will take learning to think differently, and I'm sure you could do that if you wanted to.
Anyway, I digress. I used Amazon 2 day delivery to send ma what she wanted, snack wise, directly to her during lockdown and then continued that practice afterward. A beautiful answer to dropping everything to grocery shop in addition to the other Superwoman duties on your plate. And listen, if you neglect your health and die as a result, God forbid, who's gonna be Superwoman for everyone THEN? Think about it.
Use moms funds to order from Amazon or get her a Wal Mart delivery plan for $99 a year and you can send her $35 worth of junk food including ice cream same day. Delivered to her. No hassles. Done and done.
Amazon delivers foods online
Your local grocery will deliver foods online
Buy a case of her puddings buy a case of her candies. Ship both to the house.
Let things roll to voice mail.
Don't expect god-like or Saint-like behavior out of yourself. That's not realistic. And like I always say, Sainthood is a real bad job description; don't apply.
It is a kind of self-harming to play into the hands of someone abusive. I know you here, and your wise advice, and I know you can handle this for yourself. I wish you, as always, the best.
You also have probably read on here the opinion "caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms". You need to make yourself the priority because no one else is going to do that for you. If you burn out because you can't make boundaries with your Mom, then who is going to bring her the pudding in a hurry?
You are not your Mother's Entertainment Committee. Her emergency is not your urgency, you are not responsible for her happiness, etc.
Have all her calls go to voicemail. Think before you react to any requests and you will how so little of what she asks is actually urgent.
Boundaries are what's going to save your life.
Ignore Moms calls. Let them go to VM. Mom is safe and being cared for. Maybe set up an Amazon drop off. My cousin has certain things sent every so many days automatically.
Excuse my French. 😉
I think one of the things I see over and over again in your responses (and thanks for being so participatory in your question to us) is that you are making yourself aren't responsible for your mom's happiness. And to be frank, for everyone's including the kids and their needs.
Most of this isn't your responsibility. And old age isn't about happy. She never WAS happy. You are responsible for YOURSELF. No one can make her happy. And at 83 I assure you old age isn't about happy and she's not going to be happy. The more you do the more she expects you to do. We tell people by our actions who we are. If we act as a servant they will accept that we wish to BE a servant, and there will be no thanks involves. Just hope to avoid the whip.
You are responsible for YOU and for your kids. And by that I don't mean for every little chauffeur ride they want. But for their basic health and well being, and for training THEM in their teen years to be independent and to help others; that's what the world will require of them.
And you are responsible most of all for YOURSELF. To keep yourself healthy and to be good to yourself even in tough time.
Sure mom is dissatisfied. Who isn't? Are YOU satisfied. Life is tough and then we die, as the expression goes.
Picture that kitten poster where he's hanging off a branch by his nails. The one that says "Hang in there". Practice the serenity prayer to remind yourself you can handle this. You know, you have told us of unhappiness of your childhood, and I think you decided that YOU would never do that, that YOU would make everyone happy. But the truth is that when we do that people don't ever stop to think or thank. They just expect it of us.
Hang in there!
She’s not going to starve .
All of us have been through similar situations and have excellent suggestions. Best of luck to you. Your mother will be fine. She is being cared for. Your kids will be fine. Take care of yourself.