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brdion Asked December 2022

Is anyone dealing with an elderly parent who has basically disowned them?

While she has always been a little prickly with people, I was probably the closest to her and had been talking and visiting regularly, She is in her 80s and still lives alone in her condo. A few years back, she began to show signs of paranoia. Someone coming into her crawlspace, claims of money missing, someone killing her cat when it was found Ok, horrible claims about her neighbors, etc. I now know I probably shouldn't have, but I did try to talk sense into her. Then about 3 years ago we had an incident where she caught me talking to one of her "dreaded" neighbors and since then she won't see or talk to me other than responding to me with an occasional nasty email. She will talk to my brother and treats him well but won't see or meet with him either. I suspect she is hiding her living conditions and doesn't want to be removed from her home. I've let her know I am here when she needs me and she has communicated she knows that and will use me when she is ready. Her home is very secure with no access to be able to just drop by. I am concerned about her, but it is also a horrible feeling that my mother basically despises me. Is anyone else dealing with something similar?

RSV333 Jan 2023
Yes. Different circumstances. Same result. No solutions for you, sorry. I feel stress every minute of every day because of this. I pray that for you and me, time will heal the relationships and the wounds. I try to maintain my normal life and enjoy my friends and family. It's tough. We cannot let it affect our families. This is how I deal with this:
-- Do something to relieve the stress. I hang with friends who understand and also go to the gym. The physical exercise provides a great outlet.
-- Don't blame her for her actions and words. She may have dementia or other form of cognitive impairment.
-- Identify when your mother was still her old self. That's your mom. She is still in there. Love and care for that person.

Countrymouse Dec 2022
When you say "has always been a little prickly with people" do you mean she has always been a raging misanthropist? Ascribing the worst possible motives to others' actions, with negative expectations of everyone she comes into contact with? Does she have, has she ever had, a spontaneous good word to say about anybody?

What cahoots did she suspect you of being in with the neighbour?
brdion Dec 2022
I wouldn't quite go as far as describing he her as a raging misanthropist but over the years she has definitely pushed away anyone close to her - she divorced my dad, had bad relations with her mother, her brother, all of her neighbors, doesn't like my brother's wife, etc. I was always sticking up for her as well as those people including her son (my brother) who she is in the most contact with these days. The people she treated most kindly were strangers and friends who were not close. She often volunteered her time by cooking meals for domestic violence survivors, used to help out at a hospital, is on a committee for the aged, a long time ago she helped at the crisis hot line, etc. I think that filled a gap she had and made her feel she is a good person. Much of her is. She feels she has to stick up for herself because no one else does which is not true.

She had always blamed her neighbor for damaging her property, crawling around in her crawl space, listening in on her phone calls, dumping their weeds over the fence, stealing data and other things (including her cat which was later found in her house). One day after I was visiting her, he had left a note on my car to talk which was the only way he knew to reach me. She saw that he had left me the note and from there it was all downhill between us. She never believed we weren't in touch before that.

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Beatty Dec 2022
I haven't experienced this myself, however have heard this played out a few times now.

Sometimes it's part of tuning out socially overall. Paranoid thinking causing distrust of everyone.

Sometimes blame aimed only at next of kin or POA. Sometimes revoking POA. If that person was the eldest adult child, they may move down the list to the next suitable adult child. Once children are exhausted, nieces & nephews start getting calls. The kindest or most sympathetic sounding becomes the new favourite - for a while.

Arranging 'other eyes' to check in can be beneficial if the main person is no longer able to. Eg using Condo Manager, other relatives or Social Welfare Agencies.
brdion Dec 2022
You are spot on. She did pull my POA and told me she wrote me out of her will (which I don't care about). When we were close, she told me she wrote my brother out because she didn't like his wife. I told her I'd share my piece with him. :)
Midkid58 Dec 2022
My MIL has disowned my DH because he is married to me.

Yet he still is her executor. Not looking forward to THAT hot mess when she passes.

We did hear this kind of second hand, and his feelings are that if his mom is trying to get him to divorce me over his inheritance, she can go ahead, but he sure doesn't want to do all the crappy work that an executor does.

CTTN55 Dec 2022
"will use me when she is ready. "

Just make sure she doesn't use you to be her maid or caregiving slave.
brdion Dec 2022
Agreed and I do have that concern. Right now I am feeling so needy for any connection so am aware I am going to have to watch it so that doesn't happen.
lealonnie1 Dec 2022
I doubt your mother despises you, in the traditional sense of the word. She's likely suffering from dementia with what you describe about 'paranoia' worsening with time and age. If you feel that she's living in unsafe/unsanitary/hoarded conditions in her barricaded home, you can call APS and/or the local police to do a wellness check on her. In fact, I think I'd call the police first b/c APS has a history of doing SQUAT these days until and unless an elder is literally living in pure squalor and starving to death in their home. The police can and WILL gain entry to her home to have a look around before they tell you 'she's perfectly fine' and they can let you know what they find when they DO go over there.

Put aside your feelings that mom despises you and realize it's dementia and/or mental illness at work here. Obviously the dementia can't be all THAT bad if she's still able to shoot of nasty-gram emails, however. I dealt with my mother for well over 6 years with her dementia, and she said some of THE most horrible things to me you can't even imagine. But what I figure is this: I lost my 'real' mother long before she left the Earth; I lost her to the disease of dementia which robbed her of who she once was & any logic she was once in possession of. The dementia turned her into a suspicious and nasty person who insisted the world was 'against' her and nothing would convince her otherwise. She's at peace now, and for that I'm grateful.

Until your mother arrives at perfect peace, have the police and/or APS check on her to see what's going on inside her fortress.

Wishing you the best of luck.
brdion Dec 2022
Thank-you for comments. I do have a hard time separating exactly that - that it IS some type of mental illness and that she isn't just rejecting me sanely. I'm an adult in my 50s and strange how painful it is. Reading that you were in a similar situation really helps. That misery loves company thing. I'm sorry you had to deal with it as well. She has actually called the police herself several times complaining about the neighbors and at one time I was able to pull the police reports. They are very aware that she is not 100% there and have not moved it forward. At some point I will call APS to have them check on her. I just want to make sure I am not living up to her fears and pulling her from her home too soon. I think for now she is caring for herself OK. She is very sane in some respects - she actually serves on a board for the Aging, providing feedback as a voice for the elderly on transportation issues. All done remotely. Ironic!
MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
Three possible strategies:

1) Ask for a police or APS check on living conditions.
2) Contact the Condo owners/ managers and suggest that they do a check on Condo condition.
3) Let mother continue to call the shots.

The chances are that you are right, she won’t let you or your brother in because she’s ashamed of her living conditions. It doesn't necessarily mean that she despises you.
lealonnie1 Dec 2022
Good idea about contacting the condo association, although IDK if they can get into her unit. My HOA cannot b/c my home is a free standing one. They only have jurisdiction over the exterior, so if I decided to 'decorate' it with 100 pcs of outdoor art, there'd be an issue :)
SnoopyLove Dec 2022
I’m so sorry, Brdion. I haven’t experienced this myself but I have known other people with a serious mental illness and I can easily imagine how horrible it would be if the sufferer were one’s own parent and their delusions included you.

I certainly hope others might have more insights or experiences with this kind of scenario to offer you. Best to you in this heartbreaking situation.
brdion Dec 2022
Thank-you for the wishes. I appreciated the opportunity to share this! It is hard to explain to others that yes, my mom is still around but no, we don't talk.

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