SIgh,...This is nothing new. I have expereinced this since 50+years. My mother says whatever she can, in my presence, to put down my father. It just never stops. Blames him for everything. Nothing positive. He sits there as usual and says nothing. Both in their 80s. Feel sorry for them both that there is no happiness at life's last stages. But seriously, I avoid going to visit more than I have to to avoid the constant and continual verbal abuse. Trying to live my life happily and no longer feel guilty or not worthy.
Now they are in assisted living. Dad is wheelchair bound with prostate cancer; Mom has macular degeneration and can no longer live by herself. Moved them down to Florida where my husband and I retired. It's been a nightmare ever since.
Does mom qualify for living in a nursing home? Maybe it's time for her to do that since she can't live alone and who knows how long your dad will survive with cancer (sorry to say)?
Eventually my cousins thought it was "verbal foreplay" for the Aunt/Uncle. When my Uncle had passed, my Aunt truly did miss him.
After dad died, my mother went into a wheelchair herself. You should see the dings and scratches SHE made in HER walls with the wheelchair. But there was nobody around to ridicule her as she'd done to dad all that time.
Mom lived to 95 years old, 7 years after dad passed away, with nobody to torture but me, her only child. So I took her abuse in small doses myself, and visited her for short periods of time, as her dementia progressed along with her mobility issues, etc. I truly think God kept her alive as long as He did so she could experience first hand what dad did, and feel what it was like to go through what he did.
Be glad your folks are in AL and you can keep your contact limited. I know it's still A LOT of work to care for 2 elderly parents, even when they do live in AL. But at least you can leave when mom gets too abusive towards dad, b/c it's a horrible thing to witness, I know.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation.
How about taking dad out for a walk in his wheelchair WITHOUT mom's nasty negativity? Leave her behind with her nonsense.
I know you can't really change her at this late point of her life but you can set a line where you don't take it in and take it to heart. IGNORE her. Do you tell her to stop it?