In-laws have lived with my husband and I for almost 3 years. Controlling father with some health problems and unreasonable anxiety. Mother is definitely hypochondriac and probably bi-polar, only child. My mom has recently begun displaying dementia behaviors involving hallucinations, extreme fear and paranoia, which has responded some to medication. My 89-year-old dad is in decent health physically and mentally, but is starting to display stress over my mom’s decline. Older brother, functioning alcoholic lives on their property, helps outside and manages food for them. I travel to their house 4-5 days a week for 2-3 hours (25 min each way) to help a little and offer moral support and small talk. Sometimes Zoloft is all that keeps me from… not sure... running away?
What do you do for your parents? What does "to help a little" mean? Can't "moral support and small talk" be done over the phone?
I dislike it when caregivers have to be medicated to handle the unreasonable stress that elder caregiving places on them. The answer is really doing something else with the elders rather than giving the caregiver a bandaid for themselves.
Does your H have any siblings? How did your MIL and FIL come to live with you? What were the other options at the time?
Simple maths. You are outnumbered! Without extra foot soldiers, the battle with old age is going to go downhill.
Vent. Sure!
Write down ALL the issues.
Then..
Ponder. (Put on some peaceful music, even better, have a date night out.)
Ask - is this working?
Yay or nay?
Ask - how to make it all work better? What can you think of for starters?
I would cut down on the trips to your parents. Instead of 4-5 days, make it 3, for example. Who takes care of the cleaning and chores at your parents? I would hire a house cleaner and maybe an aide for your mom so dad can have a bit of a break. And you. The stress of this is not good for either of you and can be reduced with a little outside help.
I suggest the same for your house. Your in-laws should pay for someone to clean the house and do errands and chores, etc for them.
This age group, with issues, is just going to keep declining. Get help NOW before it becomes a crisis.
Good luck!
I have to say, my heart is racing just reading your profile, your post, and hearing about ALL you have on your plate!! 😮
Do you think you can cut back a bit on the 4-5 weekly visits you make to see your folks, especially considering your brother lives there with them? You're stretched too thin already, and burn out with compassion fatigue are 2 very real conditions you may face, even with Zoloft, if you don't make some changes!
How about shipping the in-laws off to adult daycare? Or to respite care in an Assisted Living Facility for a week while you take a well deserved vacation? Look into it.....Medicare often pays for respite care!
Then there's in home caregivers who can come into your home on a regular basis to help with chores, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, sitting with the in-laws, showers, etc. The in-laws would pay for this, of course.
Please think about self care and what steps you can take to lighten your load before your back breaks under the strain. Statistics show a good % of caregivers die before their elders due to stress. Please do not become a statistic! I hope you will seriously think about the suggestions I've given you.
Best of luck.
Are your parents able to afford any in home help, besides you?
This might help your dad not feel so overwhelmed and give him a chance to get out without mom.
Such a difficult situation to be in.
Great big warm hug!