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Burnttoast Asked March 2022

How do I stop trying to help my disrespectful, lying, narcissistic father and leave gracefully?

My 79+ yo father has always been self centered, rude and disrespectful. But the past 6 weeks have pushed me too far. His disabled, long time partner got ill and died from Covid. He brought the virus home to her, disregarding wearing a mask or using any precautions. This is the same man that was so selfish 15+ years ago when he refused to do the right thing and “let her go” after a horrible car accident. She spent all those years unable to stand, walk, bath, dress, etc. on her own. Always had to have a caregiver and sentenced to a miserable life in a wheelchair.


He, of course, calls me upset when she is taken to the hospital for illness. Only after she was intubated and tested positive for Covid did we realize the severity. He went to the hospital coughing, sneezing, not wearing a mask. Finally, had to be asked not to come because he was exposing everyone there to possible illness.


After his symptoms improve and minimum days pass, I travel across the country to help. At first she improved, but then took a sudden downturn. During this time, he insists on moving as he has not been happy for 2+ years. He tried to move on his own but could not get this done. I wanted him to slow down and just settle a bit. He persists and begs me “not to leave him there”. So, we settle a few things, pack his stuff and list the house. About 1/2 the way to his desired destination, he changes his mind. All the while, his phone, which he can’t hear well, is continually ringing. He is elusive about what is going on…..


After a short detour so I can reset at home, I was gone far longer than expected, we were to discuss what he really wanted to do. He insists on returning home…..the next day. I am unable to accommodate quite so quickly. We have a discussion about why, he has no answer. I told him I knew about the affairs and did not understand what he was doing. He denied it all….. liar. I called the mystery woman, she denied everything of course. I told him if he could not be truthful, he could stay in a hotel nearby until I could make arrangements for him to get home. He left the next day, going to drive himself home…1,800 miles. Called police and tracked him down. He did ok until I got a call from the police in another state. They were not going to let him drive, unsafe and confused.


Got him back home, but house sold. I spend 2 more weeks finding a place for him to live, arrange move and unpack. Fix up apartment. Take care of mail fraud issue, get taxes to the right place, changing addresses, took him to PCP to find out what was going on with him and called an attorney. In the midst of this, we reset his phone and voicemail as it was full for a year. Of course, much younger, lying girlfriend left voicemail and text messages asking for money and “love”. Tried to manage this to settle down the calls at all hours of the night. Worked for a short while, but she got a new, unlisted number. Made contact again. I found more recent calls and texts. I called him out, lied to my face again. Called her out again, finally admitted she “was in love with him for years”. Really?? A former caregiver of his partner and much younger…. highly suspicious of her motives. And his despicable cheating and lying…. never been committed or faithful to anyone. Why all the secrecy and sneaking and lying? He finally admitted there was a relationship, but “was no one else’s business”.


I have given much to this man over the years. Helped when he had MI, when he had problems after partner's accident, moving him more than 1 time, listening and visiting regularly. He has been mean, belittling and disrespectful for most of my life. He has no relationship with my other siblings, he just does not really care.


I feel he has some cognitive changes, won’t acknowledge or address. I am his springing POA, but am ready to walk away….. am I off base here? Can I leave now? I just can’t deal with repeated lying or justify his sham “relationship”.

Burnttoast Mar 2022
Thank you all so much for your replies. I think it is time to walk away, spent to many years and time on a losing cause. I have given a lot of leeway over the years, likely too much, for an abusive parent.

I have had a productive, pleasant and interesting life despite his persona. I would like to enjoy the rest without his BS. I like the APS idea and I did speak with a lawyer group that can be his guardian when the time comes.

Thank you all for your help!

TChamp Mar 2022
The choice is yours. Of course, not all choices are going to be pleasant and that you will always leave graciously. It seems that you don't get along with your father which is obvios. You don't need to call him a lier, disrespectful and narcissistic. Those are excuses that you don't need. There's not a pleasant relationship with your father, that's it. Pack and leave, but do not expect that your departure will be in a gracious way. Accept the consequences, but you're in you right.

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Geaton777 Mar 2022
I think you know what the solution is...you just don't want to do it because you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with your father. Maybe you like the drama: bad drama is better than no drama.

You were always able to leave. You were never obligated to help him. Resign your PoA and put him on APS radar as a vulnerable adult. Don't retrieve him if he winds up in the ER. Leave and change your phone number. The state will become his guardian and he will get care.

You seem to have trouble identifying clear boundaries for yourself. Maybe see a therapist to help you improve this personal protection. Also, your father appears to have dementia, and his prior narcissistic personality just blended into it and maybe that's why you can't see it. I wish you success in seeing and creating clear boundaries around your life. Wishing you a drama-free future that you create for yourself.

JoAnn29 Mar 2022
I would not get rid of the POA yet. Its a great tool when needed.

You did what you needed to. He is all settled now anything that happens from now on is on him. If he can't pay his bills because he gave his GFs money, thats his problem. Check on him now and then. If you feel something is wrong, call APS and ask for a well visit. If they find Dad can no longer care for himself, let the State take over. Or use ur POA to get him placed and set up with Medicaid then tell the NH he is their responsibility.

You really can't help people like this. They thwart u at every turn.

My new mantra is...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.

sp19690 Mar 2022
Yes walk away. Your father will destroy you if you don't. People like him take and take until there is nothing left. Then they discard you like a used tissue.

Eversonic Mar 2022
I agree with Beatty. Get out now. You're just spinning your wheels. You can't save him from himself. He probably has some cognitive impairment, if not dementia, but you don't know. Even if someone has a dementia diagnosis, they are allowed to choose to live however they want until and unless they are legally deemed incompetent. So all you are doing is ruining your own life to save his. Call APS to check on him. If he is agreeable to any helpful services offered by them, then they can help him arrange those services, and you can get back to your life, and also know that he can obtain help if he chooses.
Burnttoast Mar 2022
Thank you for your insight. That is what I think, not worth my life.
Beatty Mar 2022
Wowsers. How do you have time for your own life?

I kinda lost track where your Father is right now? As long as he has a roof over his head, I'd back out. Get some space so you can breathe your own air for a bit. Some thinking time.

Sounds like he was busy lining up his next "Mrs" or Mrs/Caregiver.

You can always call for help if he is in REAL trouble, right?
sp19690 Mar 2022
He sure was lining up the next one. My FIL is a narcissist and disgusting human being like this posters father. He just got married to wife number 8 at almost 80 years old. He puts on a good act for people but inside he is rotten to the core. There is no redemption for people like this.

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