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pray4me1 Asked October 2021

Should I move on if history is repeating?

Im a caregiver to my mom(5yrs) along with a family member and sometimes my sibling. I live outside the home. We had alot of problems in the beginning years which resulted in a big fight between my sibling and I. Life changes happened and he now realizes I don't & never had bad intentions, I just want the best for our mom. What that being said he has become a lil more humble but isn't still that responsible or take accountability. He has a daughter that also lives with them who has a child of her own & a tag-along boyfriend 🙄. Sometimes I can't find a problem other times it's a lot of problems I'm just tired of saying things. My mom can't speak for her self so that means they do whatever they want. When I say something, it's like u not my mom. It just doesn't seem like things are getting better. Things are going back the way it was 5yrs ago & I don't want no parts. I'm @ my wit's end and ready to quit & move on with my life but I feel as I'm leaving my mom(even though she sides with them) & they won. I feel I'm in a losing battle . Please help!!

Geaton777 Nov 2021
Bless you for being willing to pour yourself out for your needy LOs. There are some hard truths that you may need to internalize for your own wellbeing:
- you are not responsible for the happiness of others.
- if you keep offering yourself as the only and best solution others will gladly use you.
- your siblings (and any other family members) are under no moral or ethical obligation to provide any care for their LOs. You can only volunteer yourself.

Burnout is imminent if you try to keep doing what you're doing in the way that you're doing it. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then you can better help others from a place of wholeness and fullness. Yes, you need to make changes that won't "feel" good -- at first -- and won't be popular when everyone's apple cart is upset, but it's necessary so please go for it.

Sendhelp Oct 2021
Please take an official long holiday break.

History does not need to repeat itself if you can make better choices.

When you come back after Thanksgiving, try doing only what Mom directly asks you to do.

You are not there to serve the siblings or to please them, nor to work for them.
You will notice the differences.
pray4me1 Nov 2021
Thank you!

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pray4me1 Oct 2021
Thanks for the responses! I'm very involved in my mom's day to day life far as appointments, clothing, toiletries whatever she needs I'm there. You are right there were too many cooks in the kitchen but we have established that I was the lead chef because I'm the more responsible one of the bunch but things are going back to the way it was when it was all the cooks. You are absolutely correct I don't want to burn any bridges that's why I think it's my time to exit but it's like I'm leaving my mom. She totally depends on us but I'm tired of dealing with irresponsible adults. I don't feel valued or appreciated for all I do.
polarbear Oct 2021
pray4me1- I know you worry about your mom’s care and it feels like you’re leaving your mom, but, look on the bright side, your brother and others will have to step in to fill the void, they will miss your help after it’s gone and appreciate it more in the future.
polarbear Oct 2021
I am trying to understand how involved you are in your mom’s care and the dynamics between all involved. So I apologize for the many questions I have.

You mentioned you live outside the home. You and a family member and sometimes your sibling (brother) are the caregivers for your mom. Who has the main responsibility for her? Is your mother of sound mind?

Whose house is she living in? And she lives with your brother, his daughter, daughter’s child and daughter’s boyfriend, right? Where does the relative who is also a caregiver for your mom live? Does s/he side with you or against you when it comes to problems? Can you give an example of a problem?

From what I can gather, it seems like there are too many cooks in the kitchen. Your mom may not get the best and most nutritious food that you want her to have, but she’s being fed and not starving. Perhaps it’s better for you to back off and focus more on your own life. So yes, I agree with you. Move on but keep an open door. Don’t burn the bridge. Your mom, brother and caregiver relative might need your help in the future.

Daughterof1930 Oct 2021
Assuming your mom is of sound mind she’s free to make her own decisions, including ones you disagree with or that don’t seem in her best interests. Does someone have POA for medical and financial decisions for her? This is very needed for when she’s unable to make solid decisions any longer. If she’s choosing a sibling you can’t agree with there’s nothing to do but decide what a healthy level of involvement is for you

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