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Moejie Asked March 2021

Fed up with sisters who don’t help and my mom resisting the help brought in after months of coordinating with doctor. Any advice?

I am at my wits end. My mom has been in and out of the hospital, rehabs and staying at my house in between so I could care for her because my 3 sisters would not commit to a schedule this past year. I have a family with two teenagers and a husband. I also work fulltime. My mom finally has recovered to come home from hip surgeries, cdiff, UTIs, stroke etc. She also has both Covid vaccinations but is considered high fall risk as her bones are fragile and frail. She’s pretty independent with dressing and toileting. However she can’t bathe herself or keep up with hygiene. She can’t take out trash, do laundry or do much around her apt. She can’t go outside either as she’s too frail. She is not showing much motivation to cook. Her doctor arranged two aides to come in, one in am and one in pm, to help with light cleaning, bathing, trash, heating up meals I’ve prepared and anything else that may prevent a fall risk. My mom has been rude to the aides. Refuses to have them help her and just sits there. I’m so mad. My sisters don’t help, it’s just me.


I handle her bills, banking, medical papers, SSI papers, every piece of paperwork. I’m her contact person (proxy) so doctors call me and I arrange appts, transportation etc. I can’t do it all. I’m so upset my mom can’t see this. Her homecoming from 3 months away has been awful. I dropped meals off last week, cleaned house, set up medication delivery, and did her laundry but have since stayed away. I’m too upset. I can’t handle that I am treated lower than the 3 sisters who don’t call, come see her or help. I’m actively looking for assisted living because she really can’t live alone without a lot of help and she’s isolated and I just can’t keep running to my mom's house everyday. It’s been a week and I’m waiting to see what happens. I want her to see who actually helps. So far nobody has been at her house. I have no idea if this is a wake up call to her or not but I’m tired of being used and taken advantage of while my sisters all drink and live totally dysfunctional lives and lie and make up excuses. Any advice appreciated.

BarbBrooklyn Mar 2021
"Mom, I can't do this anymore" is the hardest conversation I've ever had.

But I told my mom that I could no longer respond to her increasing needs and that she needed to be somewhere other than home to get the level of care, socialization and help that she needed.

If mom had pushed back and said "I'll be fine by myself" we ALL would have stepped back and let the chips fall where they might.

As posters before me have noted, YOUR family is your priority, especially those teenaged children, who need more care and guidance than you can imagine right now.

Please remember that this arrangement needs to work for everyone, not just the care-receiver. "That doesn't work for me" and "I can't possibly do that" are perfectly acceptable sentiments. You are not your parent's servent, ever.

BarbBrooklyn Mar 2021
Moe, I don't know if any of us have said this explicitly, but don't expect your mother to "come to a realization". You have to say "Mom, I can't keep doing this. Either you let the aides do their job or you will need to move to AL. Those are your choices".

Hickjacking YOUR life is not on offer and that needs to be explicitly pointed out to her.
Moejie Mar 2021
Barb, it’s been one week. My mom has not called me. I will not bring her meals or do anything again this week to prove my point to her and my sisters. I’m so fed up and realize I probably have been enabling everyone. I still have a lot of anger and hurt fir various reasons.

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Daughterof1930 Mar 2021
You’d be doing yourself a huge favor if you get past the anger and resentment toward your sisters. They are adults and free to make their own choices about being involved in mom’s care. They may or may not be right, but it’s still their choice and being mad about it only hurts you. You’ve clearly stated that mom needs more help than you can provide and it’s great that you’ve backed off in an attempt to help her see that. Decide what you will and won’t do going forward, prioritize your own family and health. I wish you peace in this and am glad you’re looking for alternative living arrangements for your mom
Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. I do speak to a counselor as of recent and she says same thing. My sisters have made their decisions and I can’t change it. I do have to work on myself. Stop caring who helps and who doesn’t. My moms quality life is awful right now. AL will add some socialization and opportunity to go outside. Plus help and safety.
Grandma1954 Mar 2021
You have a "sit down talk" with mom.
She either accepts help from the caregivers that come in 2 times a day
and
you stop doing all the tasks the aides are being paid to do.
or
When next she falls she will not be able to come home from rehab. You will tell them prior to discharge that she is unsafe at home. You can not take her into your home so they will have to help find placement for her.
(that is IF she recovers from the next fall. Let that sink in a bit and see how she responds)

the problem with looking for Assisted Living is that you can not force her to move. she must be willing to make the move to AL.
Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. Dr has told us that my mom prob won’t survive another fall/break/surgery and hospitalization. She has now been post op delerius a few times. She gets c diff, UTIs, dehydration, low blood blood, blood loss etc. it cyclical at this point whenever she’s had surgery. I’m terrified for the next fall. She has fallen 3 times in past 3 years. She uses a walker for her baseline so doing stuff for herself is challenging with walker.
Chriscat83 Mar 2021
I agree with other posters about putting yourself and your family first. I understand your stress levels are really high at the moment and that you don’t feel ready to “have the conversation “ with your mother. I went through a similar situation late last year when I had to speak to my mother about moving out of our house and into supported living. It helped me to write down how I was feeling, what I could and couldn’t do for her, moving forward, and finally I put together a kind of script I could practise and then use for “the talk”. This also allowed me to calm myself beforehand. It wasn’t easy but writing it all down got the swirling thoughts out of my head and allowed me to stay focused on what needed to be said and done. It was also worthwhile for me to think about and write down what I would do if she said “No”. Thankfully we didn’t need to go down that route, and although the talk was difficult and I met with some resistance, I suspect things would have been even more difficult without this preparation. Maybe this approach could help you?

disgustedtoo Mar 2021
"Then I discussed AL. She is actually open to it. Admitted siblings are if no help but she’s their mom and still loves them. I said I wouldn’t expect anything less as I’m a mom myself but it’s not fair to me. So we are off to good start."

Well, that was good news! Hopefully she won't change her mind, but you've already had the "talk", so just repeat it if you need to!

Also good to acknowledge her care for the others, even if they don't help or don't call or visit, etc. I would not really discuss them with her, at least not what they do and don't do.

"Siblings keep criticizing me. However they offer no other suggestions."

If they aren't part of the solution, they are part of the problem. Clearly they are NOT part of the solution. I wouldn't take calls from them. If they email or text, don't bother responding. Archive their nasty messages, just in case you ever have to take further steps to stop them. They have their opinions and criticisms, just ignore. You can't change them. If the calls continue, block their numbers. If that leads to nastier emails or texts, you can block those as well.

Once she is safely in the AL, you can be her daughter again ( with a few duties on the side) and visit. You won't be doing all that other stuff so you will have time to visit (and some time for yourself, the kids, hubby.) If mom balks about the AL, use this as another incentive - she missed seeing you, but if she's in AL, you won't be running around doing errands, you can come and have NICE visits together!

Hoping it all works out!

Geaton777 Mar 2021
Wow, that's a lot on anyone's plate, both for your mom and you/your family.

No where in your post did I see the words "dementia" or "Alzheimers". You have described someone with one of those 2. But she may also have other medical issues going on, like a UTI or thyroid or over/under-medication, etc. and these should be discounted as well as getting her doc to give her a cognitive/memory test (if you can manage this -- and the forum participants can suggest how).

Your own family is a priority over your mother's care. This can be very difficult to internalize but you must. It sounds like your mom needs more care than you can give, and your sisters are in no way obligated to participate so I would not pursue it with them any more. Also, they don't sound like reliable, responsible adults anyway.

Who has PoA for your mom? This is the person who should now be looking to activate this authority by reading the documents and moving forward with a realistic care plan for your mom. If no one has PoA and your mom refuses to get these documents into place, then you would either need to pursue guardianship (which takes time and can be very expensive) or do nothing and wait for an "incident" that warrants a call by you to APS or one that lands her in the ER (and then make sure they are informed she is an "unsafe discharge"). The hospital social workers would then put the wheels in motion for the county to get guardianship and get her placed. If the county has guardianship then they control all of her life, including medical and financial.

Please choose your family over your mother. This does NOT mean you don't love her. But there is no sense in sinking your entire family while trying to keep your mom "afloat". She needs AL or some other form of a care arrangement, for her own good, and yours as well. May you gain peace in your heart as you come to understand some difficult realities.
Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. My mom doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or Dementia but her dr did say she has declined cognitively but not enough that it would seriously affect her yet. However the stroke she had affected mood. So that could explain some of her changes too. I do think I need PoA at this point. Her dr agrees with AL. It’s just telling her but right now I’m too upset to even talk to her because it will not be pleasant and I don’t want to say anything I will regret.
NYDaughterInLaw Mar 2021
Your anger is misdirected. Just as you have made the choice to help your mother, your sisters have made the choice to not help her. I doubt your sisters view their choices as not helping you. It seems like your sisters don't think much about helping anyone. They live dysfunctional lives and so why would you think that in this matter they would all of a sudden become functional?

You need to have a sit down with your mother. It won't be pleasant but it's long overdue. IMO, it is a bad idea for anyone to assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority i.e. durable POA. Your mother also needs to get her living will and will in order. She needs an appointment with an attorney who can draw up all her important paperwork. If she refuses then take a big step back.

Stop running to her house every day. You have children and a husband. They come first. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. She cannot live alone. Plans need to be made for her longterm care. I suspect your mother believes that you will return to dropping meals off, cleaning house, setting up medication delivery, and doing her laundry. She's playing a game of chicken.

It is terribly hard and sad to go through this. Good for you that you have stepped away. When you do cool off and see your mother again, be resolved in your determination to get her to see the reality of her not being capable of living alone. She needs AL.

Start researching ALs in your area. Tour them first by yourself or with your husband or a trusted friend. Then arrange for your mother to get a tour of the ones you feel meet your mother's needs and are in her budget. One step at a time.
Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. These are words I needed to hear from you and other responses. I thought her coming home would be happy and it’s not. It’s made me realize how much I do and how I don’t take care of myself and just feel used. I do have to cool and calm down before I talk to mom. Her rent went up, she has little funds and there is one AL that will take her as her doctor is affiliated here and the rent is subsidized. I have no other options because of her little budget. It’s a nice place, highly rated too.
AlvaDeer Mar 2021
The person closest to one is always the one who gets the complaints. I suspect you know that. We are nice as pie to strangers, but parents, partner and kids get the "real us".
As to the sister's choices? I think they made the right choice. Your own choice has left you overwrought, overwhelmed and angry.
It sounds to me as though your Mom needs placement at this point. She isn't able to make her own decisions, she isn't able to function.
Beatty here on Forum often tells folks "There will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions".
I would tell my Mom that I can no longer continue on in care of her, and that she will need placement now if she cannot function with help of her aids. That is a sad thing. Expect tears, rage, and the full range of emotions; it is hurtful that at the end of life we must lose everything from our dignity to our rights to our own decisions. Not everything can be fixed. This is reality. Let go of the anger at the sisters. Their lives are their own and you won't be changing them, especially if there is drinking. You may want to attend al-anon (when you have a bit of time) to learn how to handle alcoholism in the family.
I sure do wish you the best, and am so very sorry for all the frustration.
Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. So sad what my family has turned into. Alcoholism is definitely the root of a lot if it but I thought as adults they would wake up, get priorities straight especially since they all have kids. Nope! I’ve always been labeled the black sheep in my family. I’m honest, trustworthy, reliable, and hard working. I have a job, husband, kids, own my home, cars., etc most things adults eventually have but they look at me like I think I’m better. I just have always made good decisions. I don’t excessively drink or use it to fix problems, I take care of myself and my health and I don’t lie. I have had friends since childhood, high school, college, work etc. and I’m super responsible but it’s just the way my life is. They chose wrong paths and decisions and chose to drink to cope, they lie, run away and make excuses, use people and are rotten or pity themselves. It’s really sad. I don’t get it. I probably never will. Al-anon sounds interesting. I think I need it.
BarbBrooklyn Mar 2021
Moe, my mother was a lively, intelligent active 88 year old...and then she wasn't. She turned into an anxiety ridden compulsive worrier. Weather reports from far away caused her to panic. I could go on, but I hope you get the idea.

When we could no longer respond to these "emergencies" we moved her into Independent Living. Geriatrics doc saw her and referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist. Who in turn insisted on a full cognitive workup.

(My brother was insisting mom was willfully having a "pity party".)

MRI showed that mom had had an undiagnosednstroke. Neuropsych testing showed that mom now had the reasoning abilities of a 6 year old (that woukd be enough to make me anxious!)

It all made sense once we saw how much of an imlact her "mild" cognitive decline was having on her ability to manage at home.

Good meds (antidepressant and antianxity meds) made it easier for mom to be flexible and not get so "stuck" in loops of sadness and panic.
Moejie Mar 2021
Wow this is interesting. You just described my mom. Worrying about weather in far away states we would have to fly 5 hours to get to etc. I’m going to ask dr about this. I just went over her 6 month care plan and no mention on neurologist so I need to explore this further. Thank you!!!
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