My mother is 79 years old going on 109. My mother has a number of medical issues but refuses to address them with any treatment (she has great insurance!) and even after the doctor and I suggested she get on an anti-depressant/anxiety she accused us of wanting to turn her into a drug addict. I moved into her home to help her as she refuses to move anywhere else; while I lived out of state, she would call me first thing in the morning or within minutes after I left work. If I did not answer the phone, she would start calling my children and everyone else in the family to find me (this after calling me every two/three minutes for about an hour). Once, I got on the phone she would say "I cannot go about my day or be happy until I spoke to you".
I have tried setting boundaries and she will punish me to no end - shaming, guilt, denying herself food, whatever will get a reaction...even my brothers do not want to come visit or barely call her. Just two days ago, in the kitchen while I was having a conversation with Dad she screamed "do not talk, you are distracting me".. since Dad was not wearing his hearing aids she shouted again and all I could see was rage. Went out with a friend today for coffee and a walk with the dogs and I returned to "you knew I wanted to go out and you went out without me wasting gasoline and coming back at this hour -7:30PM- fine, I will go out tomorrow and I will do what I have to do on my own and I don't need you". Another example, she forbade me from taking my dog to the beach because every time I take her out she comes back with hurting joints and it is obvious I do not know how to care for her - for the record, my dog is 17 and still loves to go out-.
My mother undercuts me at every chance she gets, shames me even for the way I dress, the things I buy, the things I like to eat and brings out the sacrifices she has made for me ("not to rub it in your face but") and how that has affected her life. Even though I have traveled around the world and even lived overseas on my own my mother still treats me like I am incompetent ("no, that is not the way you wash lettuce because.." "you would not be in this position if you had", "if you had only listened to me"... you name it) - inefficient, incapable, dumb and often reminds me she is a fashionista (even though there are days she will not get out of her pj's) and at my age I still do not know how to dress appropriately and the way she wants to see me.
While my mom was on Prozac (a relatively recent prescription) she was so nice and mellow, a joy to be around then I went to visit my children and she stopped because "I do not need those things, that is for people who are weak of character and I am not an addict" (sigh!) took her to physical therapy a few times and she was doing great and feeling much better then she stopped "they only want to make money of me, I am not going to go" - when it was suggested that we try physical therapy at her hospital she said "it is too tiring to go, I am fine with my Tylenol" even though her doctor recommended that she take Robaxin/Metacarbemol for her pain.
Everything I try to do to enhance her quality of life, my mom, shuts it down because "I know better" - I am seriously considering going back to my family, her attitude is so negative and nasty towards me (not my brothers though) - while her grandchildren were off limits for this negativity and nastiness, my Mom has begun to spill this "life poison" into them....
Please help me, any advice, suggestions, anything, I am desperate. As I am in my room writing this, my Mom came into the room to remind me what a disappointment I am to her because I took the afternoon to spend it with a friend and my dog.
Broken (but still resilient!)
Also, it may not matter if you are not around your mother later on, but, some of the things that you describe are things that my cousin did just before she was diagnosed with dementia. Repeatedly calling....and, telling me to not talk while she was making a sandwich. Her mind was going and she could not focus on listening to me and making a sandwich at the same time. Really. Also, she could not talk and walk at the same time. Another biggie is hostile behavior, agitation, and delusions. The worst is that there is nothing you can do to prevent this in a person, IF that is what is going on.
Sounds like my Dad to a T. But I dont live with him.
She has no regard for you as a human being and that is why you must separate yourself from her and her venom.
I would do like others suggested, going home to visit family and never come back. There are agencies that can help her get the care she requires. She needs the help and yet she refuses to change anything so you are expected to give up your life to prop her up? Huh? Only if you allow it.
I would let others tell her to stop calling them, you deal with the calls to you. I think she needs to kick you first thing to feel better about herself, that is what narsasist do. I would tell my mom that one call and message is appropriate and if she continues to call multiple times (control issue) then you will block her number and only call once a month. She is just exerting control over you and that always requires a very direct approach, usually multiple times for them to start changing their approach, usually they will try new approaches to get the results they want. It is actually entertaining to see where they will go to get that control back. Escalation is a given, but it is up to you to reinforce the boundaries and never cave in. Hard but doable.
Go get your life and joy back, she will be okay. (Once the tantrums stop 😁)
My advice to you in all earnestness: Run, don't walk, back to your family. Period.
Sounds like she is a narcissist. You will never please her. You will never make her happy. She will do what she wants. Poor Dad, but then he has chosen to stay with her.
Tell her you are going home for a visit and don't come back. When she asks why, say you found home was a lot more peaceful. I would also curb those calls. When I worked, my family was not allowed to call me unless it was an emergency. Anything else could keep till I got home. Unless, it was something I could do on the way home. When I worked, personal phone calls were frowned upon. I have seen people fired because of them. A call a day is enough in your time. Dad is there, he can take care of things.
She will be extra mean and nasty. Ignore her.
Please leave and get your life back. Your mom sounds like a narcissist and what you do will NEVER be enough. No loving parent would ever treat you in such a horrible manner. You deserve better, you deserve a life of your OWN, and you need to make it happen NOW.
"Mom you can go with me for a walk now or you can stay here."
If she says anything about what you are wearing... "well I can wear this or my birthday suit"
Regarding doctors "well you can either go and the doctor can figure out what is wrong with you or you can stay here in pain."
Regarding medication "Well you have paid for this medication and it is supposed to make you feel better or you can sit there in paid and be miserable"
Physical Therapy "You can either go and learn the exercises bring them home do them yourself or you can continue in pain and be miserable"
About you "Mom you can either be nice to me or I am not going to be here"
I give my Daddy a choice and I let him choose then if he chooses wrong then I tell him again. So far my Daddy has chosen NOT to see a stomach doctor and I tell him then you can sit there in pain because you refuse to go see this doctor or that doctor. I cannot force a 6 foot 275 lb man to do anything... so I give him alka seltzer or tums and hope for the best.
Blessings
hgnhgn
???
You left your family to come and live like this? Why?
What are your mother's medical issues? Does your father have any care needs? And who else is in "the family"?