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LostNFedup Asked December 2020

Family member won't bathe, falls to get attention, just plain ignorant. What can I do?

l have a family member that absolutely will not take a shower even when there is someone to help her ( family, nurses aide) she simply refuses and says NO. She was taking sponge baths not very good at least but now has stopped that. He hair hasn't been washed in a month. Started falling again to get attention and it's a planned fall, meaning she makes sure she missing everything around her that could hurt her. Then screams like she's dying. I am at my wits end not only with the fact that she's jeopardizing my families health but also the kinds of signals that she is sending out to my 10 year old granddaughter. What can I do? It's to the point that I just won't her out.


I believe in helping people, but when it comes to risking my family's health, it's not worth it.

Tothill Dec 2020
I am sorry, but a UTI cannot wait 2 weeks for testing.

But if Mum is only 49 and acting this way I would assume there are some significant mental health issues at play. The only adult I have known who pooped on the floor to get attention needed several months in a mental hospital and medication to get her behaviour under control.

I wish you luck getting this sorted.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
Thank you.
MJ1929 Dec 2020
Please get her into a mental facility. Her behavior is not that of a normal, cognizant person, and she deserves better than to be yelled at or ignored for a month at a time. Her needs are beyond what you are able to provide, so it's time for her to go where she can get the care she requires, and you can have your life back to do with as you please.

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Bridger46146 Dec 2020
The sheriff won’t come and pick her up. If you have to, take her to the ER. Refuse to take her home. Give her over to state custody. Another alternative is call Adult Protective Services. Discuss with them having the state take custody’s that you can’t have her in your home.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
That's good to know. Thank you for the information.
97yroldmom Dec 2020
The sheriff won’t just pick her up. They will need an order from a judge. The UTI needs to be checked like last week. It could make a huge diff if that’s the problem. Are you sure she isn’t on drugs or alcohol? Is she supposed to be on medication? Check to be sure she is taking it properly.
She will know something’s up the minute you decide. Secure your valuables.
You have nothing to gain by putting this off. If she’s taking something she shouldn’t be, she has to stop or leave. If she’s not taking something she’s supposed to, she has to start or leave. Keep it simple. You and her brother need to sit with her together and be a united front and explain the rules to live in your house. No two weeks to think it over. Start with the UTI.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
No she isn't taking any drugs that I know of.

That's the thing, there are some drugs that she has to take in the morning with food, she's too lazy to get up and get cereal or bagel or whatever. She will sit in her chair until somebody get's it for her. Well that stopped. She will sleep most of the day. She just does not care. She has it in her mind that someone will feel sorry for her and do things for her. Well like I said, that stopped.

We did sit down and talk to her, she became defiant, went in her room and didn't come out for the rest of the evening night. We have also talked to her doctor and let them know what was going on. Adult Protective Services called her, she said everything was fine. They talked to her about having a aide come in and help her bathe and other things, she ademately declined.
Midkid58 Dec 2020
SHE'S 49??????????????????

That changes everything, I know a woman who had a baby at 48! She's really got you coming and going and there is some significant mental losses here--whatever she may say.

She could EASILY live for 40 more years--or more. You've got to stop this NOW.

I thought my 90 yo mother and MIL were difficult--and they are, but they are very elderly and very, very needy. At 49 your mom should be totally independent or at the very least, able to function in a combined living situation.

You don't put your foot down NOW, the problem is going to grow much worse, gosh, I feel so bad for you!
LostNFedup Dec 2020
You have given me alot to think about. My thoughts are to give her a chance or ultimatum should I say. She sets up a appt for the UTI and to be evaluated by 12/31/20 or else I go to the magistrate/sheriff's office and have them come and pick her up if it is not done by then. I have it documented all the stuff that she's pulled, just in case I ever had to do this. Thoughts??
earlybird Dec 2020
I think it is time for Assisted Living or another living situation. Hygiene is very important and can affect ones heath. Did she have a mental health evaluation? I would contact her primary for a referral. She obviously needs professional help. Good luck.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
Thank you.
97yroldmom Dec 2020
Thank you for giving us more information.
Has your mom ever been diagnosed as bipolar or schizophrenic or any other disorder?
Here is a link that might be helpful.
https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/browse-by-state/north-carolina

In some states the Baker Act allows for a 72 hour hold where an individual is evaluated. You need an order to do this from a magistrate or county judge. It does not require a lawyer. Look over the details on this link and see if it is helpful.
The law (sheriff) will come to pick her up and take her to the proper facility where hopefully she could be tested for the UTI and see a psychiatrist. You could call your sheriffs department on a no emergency line and ask them which judge in your county writes these orders.

Is she on disability through Social Security?

Someone needs to see what the problem is before you will know how to help her. It will not get better on it’s on.

it’s very difficult to do what you are doing. You have my sympathy. There is little mental health help in our country but there is some. You will need to say she is a danger to herself or others in most cases. Don’t give up. You need to find a way to get her out of your house for everyone’s benefit including hers.
Let us know what you find or what you have done to get her help. We truly learn from one another.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
She is on Social Security and my sister-in-law. I know if my husband could take getting a sherriff's officer to come and take her to a MH facility. He is fed up as well but can't bring himself to it. I think he's just waiting on me. I did reach out to an old boss that work as a mental health counselor. I haven't gotten a answer back. I though about contacting human services, let them know that she is a harm to herself and others., but I have heard bad things about them. You know it's bad when other family members say she needs to go in a home but does nothing.

Thank you for your help and support.
Grandma1954 Dec 2020
Am I reading your reply to me correctly that this person is 49 years of age?
Is it possible that Assisted Living would be an option? Or a Group Home? If the age is correct then it might be difficult to get into AL but it would be worth a try if a Group Home is not an option.
If this person is living in your home then a "sit down meeting" is in order. Explain that what is going on is not acceptable and if it continues they will have to find other living arrangements. You may have to legally evict this person. the County Court has all the papers that you need to file and the fee is nominal.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
You read it correctly. We have sit down with her many times and said if you don't straighten out, we can't help you anymore and you will have to go in a home. Things are ok for a week and it's back to the same thing.

I have thought about calling the county, telling them she is a harm to herself and others and let the county state handle it from there. You know it's bad when family members says she needs to go to a home. Yet no one does anything. I am to the point where I don't care if I am the bad guy, she just needs to go.

Thank you for all of your help and advice.
BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
If your situation has now reached the point where you and your family want her out, then she has to go. Start looking at nursing homes for her. Let her know you're doing this too. The reasoning has to be that if she refuses to bathe and continues to instigate fights and discord then she will not be living in your house anymore. Meanwhile look around for a nursing home. I would tell you not to even try to find an assisted living facility for her. Find a nursing home for her because if she has to go on Medicaid at some point (and likely will), it does not pay for an AL and you'll run into problems when she has to transition out of the AL to a higher level of care in a nursing home. In the meantime, when she starts up with creating her bit of medical drama to get everyone's attention, do the opposite. Completely ignore when that's starting up. When she's looking to instigate a fight or get everyone going, walk away and ignore her. Make sure everyone else in the home does too because she'll start looking for allies (even your kids) that she can complain to. They need to know to completely ignore her as well. She'll stop when her behavior doesn't bring the attention she's used to getting from it. Ignore her the same way you would ignore a child having a tantrum. Don't give them attention because it will get worse time after time. As for the refusal to bathe or shower, make it clear that bathing and hygiene is required to live in your house or she will have to leave.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
There is times when I don't talk to her for month's at a time, I don't even acknowlege she's there. She doesn't stop... As for the rest of the family. it works for about a day. I told them to make her fix her own food. If we are eating she has to come to the table. She doesn't bother getting up and sits there and sighs louder and louder. I told hubby to let her starve. When she gets hungry enough she will get something. He feels sorry for her at times and gives her something. Makes me VERY made and she knows. I have played the opposite thing. If she makes me made I find something to make me happy. She's caught on.

You have heard the term that "people don't believe poop stinks? Well that's her. She don't think we get kick her out, but she is soo wrong.

Thank you for giving me ideas and listening.
97yroldmom Dec 2020
What is your LO being treated for? What led to her being moved into your home?
How old is she?

Is this behavior new? She should be checked for a UTI.
Do that first. UTI’s can cause increased dementia symptoms.

Yes, if your loved one has dementia, that can be very disruptive to a household.

It is always good to be mindful of how we respond to those that are ill and disadvantaged in front of impressionable children.

Not everyone is cut out to deal with what you describe.

Is there a reason she hasn’t been assessed for placement where she could get the help she needs?

Falling on purpose alone would be reason to have her assessed. Lack of proper hygiene and the falling might indicate her dementia is progressing. She needs to see a geriatric primary if possible.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
Thank you for your information. Well we moved her in due to being by herself in NC and the rest of the family is in PA. The behavior has been there, it's only gotten worse. The UT is something that my daughter had suggested and could be the reason for her actions. I have looked everything up on the internet as to why she is acting this way. She has always been spiteful. She pushes the limits now, tries to instigate things. I have been reading about dementia to figure it out. See that's the thing she does things on purpose. She sees other doctors for different things no mention of UTI.

My daughter is a nurse's aide and as tried SOO many times to get her to take a bath. She strongly refuses.

When here sister visits, she puts on a BIG SHOW by being so helpless, can't reach a pen on the floor, etc. Funny thing she can any other time. It just goes on and on.
Midkid58 Dec 2020
As the daughter of a mom who faked SO many illnesses, I grew to be very leery of any and all 'conditions' mother had.

She'd fall, also, but in a way that was 'comfortable'..so when she fell and it was serious nobody checked on her, or bothered to look and see if she were truly on the floor or wherever. (Crying wolf!)

She'd insists she'd been vomiting non stop for days, yet upon checking, the emesis basin was not only DRY it was DUSTY.

Yes, your LO could be experiencing a UTI, and we always check for THOSE with mother, but usually, her illnesses were ways to get out of what she didn't want to do, or get people to pay attention to her.

She lives with my YB and his family. He's pretty off hand with her, but one thing that she HAS to do is shower 3-4 times a week. She knows when she quits her hygiene, she's moving to a NH, so she's been good about that.

Mom will complain to me that it takes her 'half a day' to shower, do her hair, etc., but as I pointed out to her, what else does she have going on? Didn't a hot shower feel GOOD? Clean hair? I'm slower now than I was 40 years ago--we all are!

You are right. She is showing a bad side of aging to your kids and being difficult in the search to get attention. Does she live with you? If not, don't move her in! You can use this as a teaching tool for your kids about how to age with some dignity. My kids all look to my MIL as a cautious warning of 'angry aging'.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
That's the thing, she don't care. I think that she doesn't believe it will happen. We have told her that if she kept doing this she would really get hurt and have to go in a nursing home, but it went in one ear and out the other.

She does live with us. I have said so many times that give her one more shot. Well I'm done. The last straw was when she was in the bathroom.. yelling bloody murder. The was at first over the bath tub beside of the toilet. The was she was laying did not make any since considering she was sitting on the toilet. There is no way that she fell by accident. First she was laying over the tub, if she fell her landing would have been different. Nothing was knocked of the shelves and nothing disturbed elsewhere.

My granddaughter keeps asking why we don't put her where her mom works which is a nursing home.

Thank you for your help.
Grandma1954 Dec 2020
You do not give any details about any medical conditions.
Does this person have dementia of any type?
Has this person been the type to do whatever it takes to get attention for as long as you know?
Is this person cognizant?
Most "good" aids can get a person that is usually unwilling to shower into a shower or bath. Or at least do a good sponge or bed bath.
Is this person afraid of falling in the shower? Is the shower easy for them to get in and out of?
Is it possible that this person would do better in Memory Care of Assisted Living?
LostNFedup Dec 2020
Thank you for responding. She does have arthritis in her hands and feet. Some back pain. We had tried to get her to get up and move around but she won't. All she wants to do is sit in the chair all day and waits everyone to wait on her. She is on 49.

We were never that close.

She has always wanted attention but has never went to these extremes.

She is very cognizant. There hasn't been a time that she hasn't been. It's like she's a con artist.

My daughter is a nurse's aide in a nursing home and I would hope that she's very good at her job. There was a visiting nurse as well. Both have tried to talk to her and she would not budge.

No the shower is easy to get in and out of, she just simply refuses. I tried to help and she wouldn't do anything to help get herself in there. When she falls, she does nothing to help us get her up. Nothing at all if anything she tries to make it more difficult.
AlvaDeer Dec 2020
You are looking at mental changes. Are they sudden? Maybe a UTI if so. Are they gradual? Perhaps looking at some dementia or mental illness. Time for a complete mental and physical workup with the family MD.
LostNFedup Dec 2020
The things that she is doing is indeed calculated. If she doesn't get her way there is a reaction. For instance, she wanted us to get cable for the house, we said no. She would poop on the floor, fall. Did I mention that the bathroom is only 4 feet from where she sits. A few months later, she asked again, we said no and she did it again. If we go to get something out of the kitchen (you know like normal people do, chips, etc) she stares and expects us to bring her something too. Then she gets mad signs, moans, this gets louder and louder. She can walk she just wants waited on. You would think there was a great big magnet under her seat keeping her there.

Thank you for your help.

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