l have a family member that absolutely will not take a shower even when there is someone to help her ( family, nurses aide) she simply refuses and says NO. She was taking sponge baths not very good at least but now has stopped that. He hair hasn't been washed in a month. Started falling again to get attention and it's a planned fall, meaning she makes sure she missing everything around her that could hurt her. Then screams like she's dying. I am at my wits end not only with the fact that she's jeopardizing my families health but also the kinds of signals that she is sending out to my 10 year old granddaughter. What can I do? It's to the point that I just won't her out.
I believe in helping people, but when it comes to risking my family's health, it's not worth it.
But if Mum is only 49 and acting this way I would assume there are some significant mental health issues at play. The only adult I have known who pooped on the floor to get attention needed several months in a mental hospital and medication to get her behaviour under control.
I wish you luck getting this sorted.
She will know something’s up the minute you decide. Secure your valuables.
You have nothing to gain by putting this off. If she’s taking something she shouldn’t be, she has to stop or leave. If she’s not taking something she’s supposed to, she has to start or leave. Keep it simple. You and her brother need to sit with her together and be a united front and explain the rules to live in your house. No two weeks to think it over. Start with the UTI.
That's the thing, there are some drugs that she has to take in the morning with food, she's too lazy to get up and get cereal or bagel or whatever. She will sit in her chair until somebody get's it for her. Well that stopped. She will sleep most of the day. She just does not care. She has it in her mind that someone will feel sorry for her and do things for her. Well like I said, that stopped.
We did sit down and talk to her, she became defiant, went in her room and didn't come out for the rest of the evening night. We have also talked to her doctor and let them know what was going on. Adult Protective Services called her, she said everything was fine. They talked to her about having a aide come in and help her bathe and other things, she ademately declined.
That changes everything, I know a woman who had a baby at 48! She's really got you coming and going and there is some significant mental losses here--whatever she may say.
She could EASILY live for 40 more years--or more. You've got to stop this NOW.
I thought my 90 yo mother and MIL were difficult--and they are, but they are very elderly and very, very needy. At 49 your mom should be totally independent or at the very least, able to function in a combined living situation.
You don't put your foot down NOW, the problem is going to grow much worse, gosh, I feel so bad for you!
Has your mom ever been diagnosed as bipolar or schizophrenic or any other disorder?
Here is a link that might be helpful.
https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/browse-by-state/north-carolina
In some states the Baker Act allows for a 72 hour hold where an individual is evaluated. You need an order to do this from a magistrate or county judge. It does not require a lawyer. Look over the details on this link and see if it is helpful.
The law (sheriff) will come to pick her up and take her to the proper facility where hopefully she could be tested for the UTI and see a psychiatrist. You could call your sheriffs department on a no emergency line and ask them which judge in your county writes these orders.
Is she on disability through Social Security?
Someone needs to see what the problem is before you will know how to help her. It will not get better on it’s on.
it’s very difficult to do what you are doing. You have my sympathy. There is little mental health help in our country but there is some. You will need to say she is a danger to herself or others in most cases. Don’t give up. You need to find a way to get her out of your house for everyone’s benefit including hers.
Let us know what you find or what you have done to get her help. We truly learn from one another.
Thank you for your help and support.
Is it possible that Assisted Living would be an option? Or a Group Home? If the age is correct then it might be difficult to get into AL but it would be worth a try if a Group Home is not an option.
If this person is living in your home then a "sit down meeting" is in order. Explain that what is going on is not acceptable and if it continues they will have to find other living arrangements. You may have to legally evict this person. the County Court has all the papers that you need to file and the fee is nominal.
I have thought about calling the county, telling them she is a harm to herself and others and let the county state handle it from there. You know it's bad when family members says she needs to go to a home. Yet no one does anything. I am to the point where I don't care if I am the bad guy, she just needs to go.
Thank you for all of your help and advice.
You have heard the term that "people don't believe poop stinks? Well that's her. She don't think we get kick her out, but she is soo wrong.
Thank you for giving me ideas and listening.
How old is she?
Is this behavior new? She should be checked for a UTI.
Do that first. UTI’s can cause increased dementia symptoms.
Yes, if your loved one has dementia, that can be very disruptive to a household.
It is always good to be mindful of how we respond to those that are ill and disadvantaged in front of impressionable children.
Not everyone is cut out to deal with what you describe.
Is there a reason she hasn’t been assessed for placement where she could get the help she needs?
Falling on purpose alone would be reason to have her assessed. Lack of proper hygiene and the falling might indicate her dementia is progressing. She needs to see a geriatric primary if possible.
My daughter is a nurse's aide and as tried SOO many times to get her to take a bath. She strongly refuses.
When here sister visits, she puts on a BIG SHOW by being so helpless, can't reach a pen on the floor, etc. Funny thing she can any other time. It just goes on and on.
She'd fall, also, but in a way that was 'comfortable'..so when she fell and it was serious nobody checked on her, or bothered to look and see if she were truly on the floor or wherever. (Crying wolf!)
She'd insists she'd been vomiting non stop for days, yet upon checking, the emesis basin was not only DRY it was DUSTY.
Yes, your LO could be experiencing a UTI, and we always check for THOSE with mother, but usually, her illnesses were ways to get out of what she didn't want to do, or get people to pay attention to her.
She lives with my YB and his family. He's pretty off hand with her, but one thing that she HAS to do is shower 3-4 times a week. She knows when she quits her hygiene, she's moving to a NH, so she's been good about that.
Mom will complain to me that it takes her 'half a day' to shower, do her hair, etc., but as I pointed out to her, what else does she have going on? Didn't a hot shower feel GOOD? Clean hair? I'm slower now than I was 40 years ago--we all are!
You are right. She is showing a bad side of aging to your kids and being difficult in the search to get attention. Does she live with you? If not, don't move her in! You can use this as a teaching tool for your kids about how to age with some dignity. My kids all look to my MIL as a cautious warning of 'angry aging'.
She does live with us. I have said so many times that give her one more shot. Well I'm done. The last straw was when she was in the bathroom.. yelling bloody murder. The was at first over the bath tub beside of the toilet. The was she was laying did not make any since considering she was sitting on the toilet. There is no way that she fell by accident. First she was laying over the tub, if she fell her landing would have been different. Nothing was knocked of the shelves and nothing disturbed elsewhere.
My granddaughter keeps asking why we don't put her where her mom works which is a nursing home.
Thank you for your help.
Does this person have dementia of any type?
Has this person been the type to do whatever it takes to get attention for as long as you know?
Is this person cognizant?
Most "good" aids can get a person that is usually unwilling to shower into a shower or bath. Or at least do a good sponge or bed bath.
Is this person afraid of falling in the shower? Is the shower easy for them to get in and out of?
Is it possible that this person would do better in Memory Care of Assisted Living?
We were never that close.
She has always wanted attention but has never went to these extremes.
She is very cognizant. There hasn't been a time that she hasn't been. It's like she's a con artist.
My daughter is a nurse's aide in a nursing home and I would hope that she's very good at her job. There was a visiting nurse as well. Both have tried to talk to her and she would not budge.
No the shower is easy to get in and out of, she just simply refuses. I tried to help and she wouldn't do anything to help get herself in there. When she falls, she does nothing to help us get her up. Nothing at all if anything she tries to make it more difficult.
Thank you for your help.