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My dad lived with me for 10 months and it was fine but my family missed our privacy and family time so I asked him to move out. He was supposed to move into his own place near my older brother but Covid hit so he had to live with my brother and my brother noticed my dad was becoming forgetful and aggravated really easy and just not right mentally. So he had him evaluated and it turns out he has Vascular Dementia. The doctors said my dad shouldn't live alone because he can't take his meds right, he has diabetes and high cholesterol and heart issues. He also shouldn't drive. My dad freaked out hopped in his car and legitimatly ran away. He ran to my little brother who is a drug addict and won't force him to do the right thing health wise. Told him we were forcing him to move into a nursing home which we weren't. Well he moved into his own apartment which he has been evicted from and my little brother told him he can't live with him because he realized that my dad's condition has gotten worse and he doesn't want to deal with it. My dad hasn't been taking his meds, he's homeless, his Dementia has gotten worse and he says there is nothing wrong with him. He refuses to go to the doctor he's very stubborn. He wants to move in with me. I can not emotionally handle it, he wasn't the greatest father growing up so I have a lot of anxiety issues around him. Plus I took care of my mother who died of lung cancer that spread to her brain until the day she died. I can't watch another parent deteriorate before my eyes. My brother and I are trying to talk him into moving into an assisted living facility and he keeps asking me why he can't live with me. He keeps saying am I that big of a burden. He's only 68 years old. I just turned 43 and my youngest child just joined the Navy and left for bootcamp two weeks ago. My husband and I just became empty nesters and we want to enjoy our time together. What's even more crazy is I just found out a few months ago hes not even my biological father but he raised me so he's still my dad. The only stress I have in my life is the very unstable life he has. He has always made not the greatest choices and he legitly is the only stress and guilt I have in my life. My husband does not want him living with us, I don't want him living with us but how do I tell him. My husband said he will divorce me if my dad moves in because he can't watch me have a mental breakdown, he loves me too much. That's how much anxiety my dad gives me. I have been living off klonopins for the last week he has been here. Help me please!!

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I think we get this question more on Forum than almost any other question. I think that we do best in understanding our human limitations, recognizing a right to our lives. Trying to live with an elder can destroy families, and can destroy the health of individuals who try to do this alone.
The only way to tell him is gently. If he has dementia, he may not understand any of it. He may require memory care of other lock facility. Vascular dementia is notorious for the sort of ourburst you can get. Don't argue. Just to honest. That he does have this condition, does need care, and you and other family members will never abandon him, will be there for him as much as you are able, but cannot take him into your homes.
There is no way to make this right, not everything can be fixed. And there will be GRIEF, but I encourage you to consider it as GRIEF, not guilt. Guilt implies that you are an evil doer, a felon who causes pain with malice aforethought. You aren't. But neither are you a Saint. You are a human being doing the best you can. I am so sorry for your grief. Guilt implies you did something evil and can fix it; grief understands you did nothing to cause this, and it cannot be fixed. It is worth mourning. I wish you good luck and hope you will update us when you find a place for Dad.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If he has no money, he can't afford an AL unless you are willing to pay the 5k or more monthly. Get him evaluated and if its determined he needs 24/7 care then get him into a NH on Medicaid. If he has any money like 10k or more, place him in a NH private pay and then apply for Medicaid.

Tell Dad that he needs more care than you can give him. He needs people who know how to care for someone who has a Dementia.

I know where you are coming from. I found out later in life that the man that raised me was not my biological parent. I loved him but he was not an easy man to live with. And I have the personality where he knew just what buttons to punch to upset me. I told my brothers that I would not care for him if Mom went first. That he would need to be placed in a NH and he had the health problems to place him there, TG he went first. My Mom was basically easy to care for, just couldn't do the physical part and my house was not conducive to someone who couldn't do stairs.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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LizzyA, if your dad is already in your home present a united front with your husband and together let him know that he has 30 days to move out. Offer to help him with finding a solution even though you are not obligated to help him but it would remove any excuses and probably get it done faster. The longer he stays the stickier it gets as your home is then his residence and it will legally be more difficult to extricate him. I would place a call to your county's Social Services (Dept of Health and Human Services online) to see what they would recommend in this situation (he'd have to be cooperative).
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Reply to Geaton777
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As an adult we often have to make hard unpleasant decisions. Right now yours is either tell you Dad he has to leave or tell your husband to file for that divorce.

Next time your father throws that burden comment in your face, tell him the truth...having him live there is a burden. And you are not willing to take on that burden.

Your father doesn't want to take responsibility for himself. My father was the same way after my mom died. He will do whatever it takes to get you to take over responsibility for him. This way he can do as he pleases and you are left to clean up his messes. Take a good hard look at what your future holds if you let him live with you. That alone should make the decision easier.

Would your husband be willing to be the bad guy and demand he leave? Would your father listen to him?
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Dad's already there!!??

He could accompany you to the Doctor to get your prescription renewed! Hi Doctor, I'm a wreck. Dad here had a health crises & I let him stay for a short time, but we need help to find him a new home. Can you recommend a social service?
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Reply to Beatty
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Wait, your dad moved in with you? Oh, gee. I was hoping that he hadn’t moved in with you. That complicates the issue.

You need to tell him to leave. Don’t ask. Tell him. Your husband has already given you a fair warning that he will not tolerate him living there.

Don’t push this issue. You may lose. I know that you don’t want to lose your husband.

Erase the guilt from your mind. You haven’t done anything to feel guilty about. Your dad is not your responsibility. You do not have to commit to hands on caregiving.

Best of luck.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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"...I have been living off klonopins for the last week he has been here..."

Oh boy! So he is in your house right now? It's going to be difficult to get him to move out. The longer he stays, the harder.

Your question is how to tell your dad you don't want him to live with you. I have a suggestion. Tell him the truth.

"Dad, I care about you, and will help you as much as I can. But you living here is giving me so much anxiety that I have to be on medication. I need my space, and so does my husband. I am becoming a nervous wreck and my husband is going to divorce me if I get any worse. I can help you find a good place where you can have a social life and be close by so I can come and visit you and help you with whatever you need."

He might throw a tantrum or get ugly, but don't back down. Just keep repeating that you and your husband need your space and privacy and that you will help him find a good place to live.

As for his question "Am I that big of a burden?", say: "No, you're not a big burden, but your living under the same roof is."

However you choose to tell him isn't that important. What's important is that you tell him, the sooner the better.
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Reply to polarbear
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I am so sorry that you are struggling with this horrendous situation.

Of course you care about your dad but you are not responsible for his care in your home, especially if you don’t have the best history with him.

I’m sorry that he has been diagnosed with dementia. I’m sorry that he isn’t taking his meds properly. It’s a
heartbreaking situation to deal with.

You are completely aware of how hard caregiving is because of caring for your mom.

You don’t want to repeat the caregiving experience again. I don’t blame you. It’s terribly difficult and challenging.

Do you still see or talk to your father? Is it possible to contact a social worker that can help in this matter?

What does your brother say about this situation? Your brother that took him to be evaluated. Ask him if he spoke to a social worker.

It’s painful to say no to someone but you must for your own sanity.

You deserve time alone with your husband. You know that your husband is not in favor of your dad living in your home. Why risk trouble in your marriage?

Vent anytime that you need to. Many people on this forum have had similar experiences.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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(((hugs)))

Firstly there are many that have walked this road. Help is coming!!!

Secondly, it's OK to say no to Dad moving in. I kind of like how your DH has already drawn his boundary (rather than buy now regret later).

Thirdly, Vascular Dementia is a beast. It destroys judgement & reason early on. This is why Dad can't 'get' his situation - his care needs or future needs. The other thing that goes early is empathy. So he just can't 'get' your point of view.

A brain that is breaking a bit, can't see it is breaking. Look up Anosognosia - medical term for lack of insight. It is common in Vascular Dementia.

Persuading him to move into AL will be next.

Sometimes a Doctor can do this better than family. (Many elders will listen to a professional).

But sometimes it's a full-on legal guardianship situation to get the legal power to place them.

Where is Dad now? In the same state & city I hope?
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Reply to Beatty
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MargaretMcKen Nov 5, 2020
It sounds as though he has moved in with them. "I have been living off klonopins for the last week he has been here."
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You are not obligated to be his caregiver. He is a fully grown man and needs to man-up to reality and take care of his own self. Absolutely do not choose him over your husband. If your dad is homeless and struggling, report him to APS. Tell him that you're sorry, it's just not possible for him to live with you. You can offer a solution which would be for him to assign you and your brother as his durable PoA and then when he moves into AL you'll be better able to watch over him, manage his care and be his advocate (if you're actually willing to do this). Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty -- you're not doing anything immoral by wanting your own life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MargaretMcKen Nov 5, 2020
Your life is just as important as his. Your marriage is now the most important relationship in your life.
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