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EssieMarie Asked June 2020

Covid 19 and isolation with mom is causing me despair. Anyone have tips for fighting depression alone?

My mom is 95 and has Dementia. I feel so lonely at times as I've lost contact with all my old friends and way of life. My husband passed away in 1987 and I have a son nearby and his family. But he is busy and unable to help me unless it's an emergency. This is a thankless job but I'm doing the best that I can. Is there a caregiver hotline where we can talk to a live person in addition to this support group? Thanks for listening.

Megwin Jun 2020
Fighting depression alone is very, very difficult. It can ruin your life. You need someone to talk to - to unload. Depression can eat your soul and leave an empty shell. Please get help. I am speaking from experience.

Ricky6 Jun 2020
Alzheimer’s Assn. 800.272.3900 helpline.

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Llamalover47 Jun 2020
Imho, you need respite through a church group/person, where you can get out for a lunch before you totally suffer caregiver burnout.

cwinter Jun 2020
I hear you. My Unitarian Church offers a Caregiver Support Group... check in your area to see who might have one... though these days it's all Zoom. Also www.drmiller.com a famous psychiatrist & the grandfather of the current mind/body/emotions healing movement offers a weekly webinar, Fridays @ noon, PST. He covers different topics each week and is really grounded, intelligent and inspiring. He's got lots of free support material on his website... He's an empowerment anchor for thousands.

elaineSC Jun 2020
Are you and your mother in a financial position to be able to pay a “sitter” for you to get out and have lunch with a friend and maybe shop just a little? Just 3 hours can rejuvenate us sometimes. Call up a friend and tell them you really need to get out and ask if they want to go to lunch. Just make sure you keep your cell phone with you and write down the number for the sitter. I’ll bet someone from her church would do it for a fee. Call your minister and ask if they have someone that would come and visit to give you a rest. I’ll bet they have suggestions since many have elderly parents or grandparents and may know of someone to call. You can do this. You just need a nudge. Good luck to you. 👌🙏🏻

Patathome01 Jun 2020
HI, EssieMarie:

Your require senior professional help for your mother for relief before burnout happens as you are not able to continue alone. With our health crisis, plesse call someone or use video.

Davenport Jun 2020
Stay on this forum!!! It's been the biggest and best thing for me during this 5-year-long saga. Here, I don't feel like I'm 'just whining'; I realize that I have friends I couldn't have imagined that 'get me' (better said, get what my experience is like). This forum, my sisters and brothers here, allows me to discuss my experience, my strength, and my hope--supporting and hopefully occasionally helping others. And my despair, without feeling guilty for 'being negative', or being 'Debbie Downer'.

Don't hold back, EssieMarie!
disgustedtoo Jun 2020
Just beware the few "debbie downers" that pop in now and again. Most of us are helpful or at least can commiserate! Ignore those "downers" if they show up - they aren't worth a minute of your time!

I do agree that this is a good, safe place overall to bounce ideas, seek support, or just confirm your sanity!!!

Outside counseling helps some people, but not everyone who hangs a shingle understands everything - it really isn't possible, and we don't know when signing up with them what their level of expertise is. Here we know that others have been going down the same roads and "get it." Too often friends and even family get tired of hearing about whatever and shut you out. WE don't!

If mom is living with you, it makes it hard to get out, virus or not. Is it possible to hire someone to watch over mom, even for a hour here or there? Even just to get out, without interfacing with others, can help. Deep breath, take a walk, a drive, get a coffee and sit in the park, whatever helps you to unwind!

Volunteer work, if you are caring for your mother in your home (or hers) would likely have to be something you can do mostly from home. I am sure there are programs out there that need help that you can do!

Is there any way you can try to reconnect with some old friends or family? Try to keep the conversations light, if you can. Many times others are not comfortable talking about issues like your mom's or just don't want to hear it all the time. Focus on good times had, what they've been up to, maybe make some future plans to meet up (in a safe place while the virus is still circulating.) A quick bite or coffee, just to reconnect...

Most family and friends for me are in the past. Lost touch with most extended family, didn't have time between working and raising 2 kids to make meaningful friendships, and just prior to getting laid off, I bought another house and also had to take on mom duty, so I hear you! I did not take her in, but spent a lot of time helping her before the move to MC and even just managing everything for her is time-consuming! I've made a few "friends" here in my new neighborhood (not exactly a housing development - much more spread out!) Hoping to get this place finally finished (repairs had to wait) so that I can invite them over and make better friendships!

Don't lose yourself while caring for mom. You need to find a good balance!
Teeavilnor Jun 2020
This is how I feel, it’s going on 3 years for me. I have to either stay home with my mother or bring her along. But now She has declined so much she is unable to stand at all without me. And she knows this. Before she didn’t think it was true and would try to stand and fall. But now she just sits and makes sounds not words when she wants something. So I have made a decision I can leave for a short while and leave her (she sleeps most of the time anyway) and when I get home she doesn’t even know I left. This has helped my state of mind tremendously.
i felt like a prisoner in my own home.
Davenport Jun 2020
T, I also made the decision that it was unrealistic to never leave the house, except to sneak out for an hour in the a.m. before she woke up (I'm talking 6:00 a.m.), or during her afternoon nap (thank goodness Target used to open at 7:00 a.m!). For my sanity I had to accept that 'it' may very well happen while I'm not physically there (my mom's 91 and quite fragile/frail). Actually, most of the falls and breaks happened when I WAS there, anyway. Like you, coming to this has helped my state of mind tremendously. We (my two wicked sisters) finally arranged for a 'watcher' for 4 hours a day, and I assured the caretaker that 'it' WILL happen (again), based upon my mother being my mother, not exercising, and thinking she's being 'cute' when she engages in risky behaviors.
Taarna Jun 2020
Isolation is one of the risks of caregiving. Please find ways to connect - computer, have friends/family over, get out at least weekly to do things you enjoy. There are also counsellors that can meet with you weekly online.

CTTN55 Jun 2020
"I once did a lot of social ministry in my church when i was much younger." Can your church help you now?

Jetcitygirl Jun 2020
I have lost all my friends taking care of my mom. I would be happy to message you and be a friend if you want. I’m not sure how to private message you.
disgustedtoo Jun 2020
At the top or anywhere you see EssieMarie, click on the name. This brings up the "profile" page. Look for/scroll down to Messages. There is a message box that is for EssieMarie - if you want to keep the conversation private, click the Private Message button.

When you finish, select Post Message. At that point, you will have the option to "send a hug" with an image. EssieMarie will get notified in email that there is a message for her.

To access messages to you, you can select your screen name in any thread you've posted in to access your own "profile" page. You can also select the letter in the upper right corner (mine shows a "D") and then select profile.
OldSailor Jun 2020
Yes it is a thankless job but, to me at least, was a very rewarding job.
I would, on occasion, hire a companion to sit with Luz (DW) while I went shopping
whether it be food or other needs/wants. We had some really good ones too. At $18.00 an hour with four hour minimum, not exactly cheap but I felt better when I got home. I would always bring home a treat for her. It gave me something to talk to her about. I was able to get some exercise but I still thought about her since some of the shopping was for her
I only had to do this stuff after she got so bad I could not take her anywhere. She even got to enjoy grocery shopping because she got to ride in "Caroline's Cart" and enjoy the view. Carolines Cart is made for one larger passenger and faces to the rear with the basket still in front.
I never found any support group I could talk to in my area.
Is she able to get out and into a vehicle? If yes, you might try going to a senior center of some sort.
Beyond that I can only wish you the best of luck.

cwillie Jun 2020
My tip is to stop being alone! Even without the complications of a pandemic caregiving can be incredibly isolating, in order to survive the caregiver must "put on their own oxygen mask first", in other words you can not last long term if you don't practice self care. Figure out strategies to carve out some "me time", ideally short breaks daily, longer ones weekly and an honest to goodness vacation periodically. Spend an hour a day doing something for you like reading, meditation, exercise, gardening - whatever is your passion. Reach out to your friends by email, text or phone. Arrange for a caregiver to give you the ability to go away every week, even if it is just to shop and have a coffee break. Most covid restrictions are easing and it IS possible to get out safely, we know a lot more today than we did a few weeks ago. And once things are more normal do try to arrange for a respite break that allows you to get completely away for a few days.
againx100 Jun 2020
YES! You MUST get out and do some things for yourself. It's soooo important.

Try to re-establish contact with some old friends. Invite your son out for coffee - not just when there's an emergency.

Get out for some fresh air and exercise.

Look for a local support group for care takers.

I like the idea of some kind of volunteering.

10 years is a loooong time to be providing elder care. Whew! You've done a LOT.
Isthisrealyreal Jun 2020
Be productive, that's the only way I know to overcome the blues. Do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment when I am done, the more challenging the better and if it helps someone else, so much the better.

Great big warm hug! You will get through this difficult time.
EssieMarie Jun 2020
Thank you so much for your heart warming words. I wish i had a friend like you in my community. Covid 19 has made socialization so much more difficult. The greatest advice you gave me is to reach out and help others. I once did a lot of social ministry in my church when i was much younger. Witnessing the gratitude expressed by someone in need has brought me tremendous joy. You are so right that this is our best defense against depression. Thank you and God bless you my friend!

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