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Sandra82 Asked May 2020

I’m full time carer to my mother in-law she is very abusive towards me what can I do?

She always yelling at me swearing at me she has scratched me bitten me choked me kicked me hits me these are sudden outburst and when I’m in middle of transfere to her seat or bed she try’s ways to hurt me even more now she is causing sores on her self then blames me for them she is so strong it is unreal when she wants to be she does not do it with anyone else she is a different person medication do not work sends her more wild she has no uti as always checking this she even gone back in time sometimes thinks her son is her husband and myself as another women my farther in-law who passed away 3 years ago well let’s say adventure before my husband and sister in-law was born. Put it this way I can not have kids due to medical problem but she thinks I have child and took her husband away so when I have to take her to toilet that’s when she starts yelling screaming verbal abuse and hitting begins. Please need some advise on how to handle this as I am crying every night cause she is so abusive towards me.

Grace21 May 2020
Sandra82
I am sorry that you are going through this. It seems that the caregiver for the person with alzheimers or dementia is unfortunately the one that suffers the brunt of their anger and agression. I was the caregiver for my mother for 4 years and she would not show her anger in front of my husband until the disease progressed to the later stages, because she didn't know anyone. I just caution you that this could go on for years and it just doesn't get any easier to handle. Please take care of yourself. You have to do what is best for you but for me I ended up placing my mother in a memory care facility August 2018 because it was taking a toll on me. I pray that this works out for all involved .

vegaslady May 2020
Refuse to care for her and get her out of your house. What's the holdup?

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Sandra82 May 2020
I thank u all for your advise please let me set things straight this is not my husband fault at all so please stop blaming him for it I have now have him in the room when I change her and so forth as she won’t do it in front of him so things are now settling down and we are both on same page pls don’t blame my husband thank u
lealonnie1 May 2020
If I were taking care of my MIL and if she was abusing me, scratching me, choking me, kicking me, cursing me, biting me, hitting me, etc, I'd be blaming my husband all day long for allowing that sort of abuse to continue. You say you are 'crying every night cause she is so abusive towards me' yet 'pls don't blame' your husband. Who IS responsible for this mess, then? What are YOU planning to do about the unmanageable situation you're in? If it were me, I'd be looking into Memory Care Assisted Living Facilities for her and let your husband know that's your decision: to have her placed asap so you can take your life back.
Kimber166 May 2020
When she starts physically attacking you - call 911. refuse to take her back home. Social worker will have to get her placed somewhere. You should not have to take this abuse. Shame on your husband.

Daughterof1930 May 2020
There’s no situation where you deserve to be abused. Your husband should be aware of what’s happening and not be expecting you to take this. It’s his mother and he needs to find appropriate care for her. Her needs are beyond what you can provide. Time to tell your husband that you’re finished being a punching bag and he has to find the right care for his mother. You’ve done your best but her care requires more than you’re capable of doing, she needs professional help. Please don’t allow this to continue

JoAnn29 May 2020
This sounds like Dementia. Has she been tested? Why does she need care?

Is your husband aware of her violence towards you.
Sandra82 May 2020
Yes she has my husband is aware of what’s going on she won’t do anything in front of him but soon he walks in she stops nearly everyday is there away to avoid it
AlvaDeer May 2020
I doubt there is any answer other than getting your MIL placed in care. At this time she represents a danger to you and is more than you can handle. You cannot honestly change behavior that is ruled by dementia. If any of this violent behavior is new you do need to have MIL checked by doctor for a urinary tract infection.

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