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lovemysons Asked May 2020

My ailing mom won't accept help taking care of my terminally ill father and it's become abuse. Any advice?

My father is an 82 year old man with acute myeloid leukemia. My parents have been married 62 years. My mom is 80, obese and in very poor health, like fractures in 2 places in her back from her always falling. It really is a miracle what she can do for my dad as far as bathing, clothing, and feeding him. However, she refuses to let anyone help in any way. She puts my father in a bed that has no rails, and my dad keeps falling out of it (at least 7 times) in 5 months, that I know of. She works for hours to get him up, then brags about how she's hurt herself. She takes him up and down the stairs and they and barley can make it, putting both of them at great risk. She is so proud of what she does and how it hurts her body she shows off her bruises and constantly complains how hurt she is. She lifts him and gets him up from chairs and the bed by pulling and pulling him while I watch. She said " over her dead body" is an outsider coming into her house. My dad is in incredible pain, and has no pain medicine, and he also developing dementia. She drugs him with Xanax, which the Doctor said not to give him, so can sleep all day and stay up gambling on the computer all night. She won't take outside help like a nurse or nurse aide because she is hiding her own indiscretions. She also is stealing his sleep medicine Ambien. It's so crazy, and her explanation is" she swore she would always take care of him". MY DAD IS ON HER SIDE, and backs up this craziness of her being so stubborn and selfish. It has become so overwhelming for me that I told her I wasn't going to enable her any more and I'm not coming back to her house again. She said "oh you and your threats." I said that it's a promise, gave her the key to their house and left. I do all their shopping and odds and ends. I have 5 other brothers and sisters and only 1 helps us even though they have great relationship with our parents. Again the worst is she bangs herself up helping a man of 200 lbs and she brags. My complaints go right passed her while she's so happy about herself. She won't change. My dad is very mad and he cries because I argue with her telling her this is insane!!! He only has about a month at the most to live. He is my VERY best friend, I built my life around him. Help! I'm so sad.

Sendhelp May 2020
It is the hardest thing---doing the right thing.
There is not only no reward, you will be rejected.

BarbBrooklyn May 2020
Love, how are you today?
BarbBrooklyn May 2020
Bumping...

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BarbBrooklyn May 2020
Love, I'm curious why, if dad is on Hospice, he has no pain meds? Is mom in disagreement with using them?

Has hospice provided a hospital bed? Are they aware of the falls?
Does mom have cognitive and/or mental health issues?

Let your siblings step in for now; perhaps once they are more involved, they will understand your actions. Take a break and go easy on yourself.

One more thing; consider getting in touch with the hospice social worker and having a chat; it sounds like you need some support right now.

purplebadger May 2020
GOOD JOB!!! At the beginning of my ordeal with DHS, I was second guessing myself, too! I know you are dealing with a family who is mad at you, but quite honestly, right now it's about your dad! It's also about your mom's mental health issues and her committing a felony by giving your dad medication she's not supposed to be giving him! I'd call the doctor back and have them run a drug test on your dad if possible! You're doing the right thing! Please don't second guess yourself! God bless you for your strength and your courage! I admire that!
Sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
lovemysons May 2020
Whay a nice response to me! I really cherish the advice and vote of confidence!
purplebadger May 2020
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in! I can tell you what I had to do! Call DHS or tell his doctor that they need to send a social worker there! Write down a list before you call DHS or Adult Protective Services of the injuries, lack of medical care, and anything else you can think of so you can refer to the list during the phone call! DHS has been a God send for me and my situation! Other people may have different opinions on that based on their experiences, but I am so glad I told my mom's doctors office to please get me in touch with a case worker! Good luck to you! You're doing a great job in a very hard situation! God bless you and your family!

BarbBrooklyn May 2020
Lovemysons, despite everyone being angry at you right NOW, I think you did the right thing FOR YOUR MOM. Terrible to think what might happen if she ended up critically injured while dad is dying. Dad would be without a caregiver and they wouldnt be together.

I hope everyone's anger blows over.

I once did something when my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer that made my family furious at first, but they eventually realized that it probably saved my mother's life. I wish a good outcome for you and a pain free death for your dad.

Please stay here for support.
lovemysons May 2020
Thank you@
AliBoBali May 2020
With your father being terminally ill, I would be concerned that trying to make changes -- against their wishes -- could backfire and make things worse.

Without more info, and without believing him to be in long term danger (due to his terminally ill status), I think you might have to bite your tongue for a bit just to see if you can influence them for the short term and help out. If your dad really only has a month, or a few at most, then it's better to be there to help out without trying to make big changes imo.
lovemysons May 2020
Today I called his Doctor and told him that my mom is in denial, and he hasn't told them what is going to happen at the end stage. Then my brother called and said don't ever go to our parents house again or we will call police. The Doctor called Social Services. My brother has been absent from caring for my father but happened to be there today. Now 5 siblings and my mom and dad are FURIOUS with me. So sad to put my dad through this too bad I didn't read your response first. Thanks
LoopyLoo May 2020
Sounds like she has a martyr complex. “Oh, see how bruised and hurt I am? No, I don’t need help! I must suffer and you should pity me for how I get hurt and how much I sacrifice!”.
lovemysons May 2020
Oh wow you are right! I'll have to google that and see how to handle her better.
Beatty May 2020
Maybe your Mom is proud of her bruises to show how strong she is, to prove she can still look after Dad.

It would be better to get additional help eg hospice nurses visiting at the least (+ hospital bed & correct meds). Much kinder.

This would ADD to his care, not replace hers. Can she comprehend that?

I don't know your family, but if my own Mum (w cognitive impairment) was in charge of my Dad in ailing health I would tell her there WILL be nurses coming & allowed in. If not, I will have him transported to hospital & her accused of neglect & doctors brought in to declare he can't return home.

If Dad is competent he can choose to go home. If not, it's abuse.

As Barb asked, what does Dad's Doctor say about this?
lovemysons May 2020
Today I called his Doctor and told him that my mom is in denial, and he hasn't told them what is going to happen at the end stage. Then my brother called and said don't ever go to our parents house again or we will call police. The Doctor called Social Services. I might bit off my nose despite my face. My brother has been absent from caring for my father but happened to be there today. I feel like telling go back where you came from. Now 5 siblings and my mom and dad are FURIOUS with me. So sad to put my dad through this, I just don't know Hopefully my dad will be safe and get the help he needs. Thanks for the response.
HelloImMinsu May 2020
Call APS if you believe your Dad to be in real danger.

BarbBrooklyn May 2020
Welcome, and (((((hugs))))).

Have you told dad's oncologist what is going on?

Is dad not on hospice?
lovemysons May 2020
Yes my dad is in hospice. Today I called his Doctor and told him that my mom is in denial, and he hasn't told them what is going to happen at the end stage. Then my brother called and said don't ever go to our parents house again or we will call police. The Doctor called Social Services. I might bit off my nose despite my face. My brother has been absent from caring for my father but happened to be there today. I feel like telling go back where you came from. Now 5 siblings and my mom and dad are FURIOUS with me. So sad to put my dad through this, I just don't kno. Hopefully my dad will be safe and get the help he needs. Thanks for the response.

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