My father is an 82 year old man with acute myeloid leukemia. My parents have been married 62 years. My mom is 80, obese and in very poor health, like fractures in 2 places in her back from her always falling. It really is a miracle what she can do for my dad as far as bathing, clothing, and feeding him. However, she refuses to let anyone help in any way. She puts my father in a bed that has no rails, and my dad keeps falling out of it (at least 7 times) in 5 months, that I know of. She works for hours to get him up, then brags about how she's hurt herself. She takes him up and down the stairs and they and barley can make it, putting both of them at great risk. She is so proud of what she does and how it hurts her body she shows off her bruises and constantly complains how hurt she is. She lifts him and gets him up from chairs and the bed by pulling and pulling him while I watch. She said " over her dead body" is an outsider coming into her house. My dad is in incredible pain, and has no pain medicine, and he also developing dementia. She drugs him with Xanax, which the Doctor said not to give him, so can sleep all day and stay up gambling on the computer all night. She won't take outside help like a nurse or nurse aide because she is hiding her own indiscretions. She also is stealing his sleep medicine Ambien. It's so crazy, and her explanation is" she swore she would always take care of him". MY DAD IS ON HER SIDE, and backs up this craziness of her being so stubborn and selfish. It has become so overwhelming for me that I told her I wasn't going to enable her any more and I'm not coming back to her house again. She said "oh you and your threats." I said that it's a promise, gave her the key to their house and left. I do all their shopping and odds and ends. I have 5 other brothers and sisters and only 1 helps us even though they have great relationship with our parents. Again the worst is she bangs herself up helping a man of 200 lbs and she brags. My complaints go right passed her while she's so happy about herself. She won't change. My dad is very mad and he cries because I argue with her telling her this is insane!!! He only has about a month at the most to live. He is my VERY best friend, I built my life around him. Help! I'm so sad.
There is not only no reward, you will be rejected.
Has hospice provided a hospital bed? Are they aware of the falls?
Does mom have cognitive and/or mental health issues?
Let your siblings step in for now; perhaps once they are more involved, they will understand your actions. Take a break and go easy on yourself.
One more thing; consider getting in touch with the hospice social worker and having a chat; it sounds like you need some support right now.
Sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
I hope everyone's anger blows over.
I once did something when my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer that made my family furious at first, but they eventually realized that it probably saved my mother's life. I wish a good outcome for you and a pain free death for your dad.
Please stay here for support.
Without more info, and without believing him to be in long term danger (due to his terminally ill status), I think you might have to bite your tongue for a bit just to see if you can influence them for the short term and help out. If your dad really only has a month, or a few at most, then it's better to be there to help out without trying to make big changes imo.
It would be better to get additional help eg hospice nurses visiting at the least (+ hospital bed & correct meds). Much kinder.
This would ADD to his care, not replace hers. Can she comprehend that?
I don't know your family, but if my own Mum (w cognitive impairment) was in charge of my Dad in ailing health I would tell her there WILL be nurses coming & allowed in. If not, I will have him transported to hospital & her accused of neglect & doctors brought in to declare he can't return home.
If Dad is competent he can choose to go home. If not, it's abuse.
As Barb asked, what does Dad's Doctor say about this?
Have you told dad's oncologist what is going on?
Is dad not on hospice?