How does everyone handle a mom with onset of dementia trying to control the dad's medicines and doctor visits? She cancels his appts.

You need to communicate with every, EVERY office and they will flag their chart that you are next of kin and get some paperwork signed off on by dad granting you permission to be communicated with. THEN they are to note that NO APPTS ARE TO BE CANCELLED unless it is by YOU. ALso you can discreetly make clear oh gee, that the phone number has been changed...TO YOURS. So reminder calls giving your mom the opportunity to cancel will be alleviated. Also change the mailing address to a PO BOX or to your own with their name in c/o yours. You must also take possession of all the pills and just fill a box for the week. But keep them all with you.

Is your Mom the POA for your Dad? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Does your Dad have any dementia? Does your Dad WANT to go to the doctor. I myself won't be, at 77, seeing any kidney doctors. I would not want to take dialysis. I am trying to figure out some reason here other than that you feel your Mom is sunk deep in denial and dementia. If this is true you would have to get guardianship and likely place Dad where his care can be managed. Has the rest of the family sat with Mom and explained that if she doesn't act for Dad in his best interest she might lose control of his care. Gently. Peacefully. Slowly.

I would let all doc offices know not to cancel dad's appointments.

Does she have an official diagnosis of dementia? If so, tell your dad's docs. If not, get her evaluated.

In my experience, spouse is next of kin and I have never seen anyone ask a spouse if they have a POA.

Should they exist? Absolutely, but no assumptions should be made that she can't do things without one. That doesn't tend to be the case. Most people, rightly or wrongly, assume that the patient trusts their spouse and they would be the ones that know the most and have the best intentions for their spouse.

Try and get both your parents to assign you as health care POA, this will help you be involved with authority. You can't override their choices and decisions but you can fight for better care for dad and maybe get doctors to stop accepting mom's verbal orders.

It is a tough situation to be in. Sometimes there isn't anything that you can do until there is an incident that lands someone in the hospital. At that point with HCPOA you can get testing and diagnosis to give you more power.

My mom was diagnosed with AZ a few months after my dad came out of the hospital with lots of specialist appointments. We convinced my mother that she should not drive anymore. The appointments were easier then. I drive them, so I make the appointments to fit in my schedule.
She remembers what it was like with her mother, so we set up everything early. I’m on the list at the doctors’ offices, and I have their POA, will, and advanced directive. I’m also on their bank account. I don’t think it would have happened without the diagnosis. As their needs progress, we have many things already prepared to make transitions as smooth as possible.

Your mother be stopped, obviously. If your father is one of those who has always let his wife manage things, impress upon him that those days are over.

Unless you are living with your parents, it sounds like they are on a fast track to needing in home care or AL. When my dad, who was fully capable mentally, could not get my mom with dementia to take her meds correctly, I spoke to her doctor. The doctor said point blank, "If your dad cannot ensure your mom takes her meds correctly, he can no longer be responsible for administering them." That was the impetus we needed to move them from IL to AL. Dad still blames me, but at least mom gets her meds correctly. Dad still administers his own, but he just "supervises " hers. As his health has declined, he can do less and less for her and it's a godsend that they have help.
As someone else suggested, get the phone numbers for your dad's doctors changed to yours. As your mom declines, she won't be able to understand messages and it will cause a world of work for you. Be proactive. If your dad is cognitively capable, have a private conversation with him and explain what you are doing. He will probably be relieved you are willing to help.
Good luck.

Both my MIL and stepFIL were rapidly moving into mental and physical incapacity at the same time when we finally realized it was happening. StepFIL had moderate Parkinsons (and probably some dementia, but not sure, LB Syndrome? etc.) MIL had pretty bad short-term memory loss. She was always the one to take care of him. I had a conversation with StepFIL that if they wanted to remain "independent" then he had to take care of her and make sure she ate and took her meds, etc. I thought he was capable of doing this. Didn't happen for whatever reason. They both went into NHs after that. I wish I had a different ending to this story, but I don't think your mom can care for your dad any longer (or maybe even herself?). Without a cognitive eval for her, it's unknown why she is doing what she's doing — but you DO know it's not working and now someone needs to intercede for your dad sooner rather than later.

Difficult.

Technically, unless a diagnosis or formal assessment says different, the only person who can legitimately cancel your father's medical appointments is your father. His doctors ought to be liaising with him - unless your mother is his formal health care proxy, is she?

You also need to check that she isn't, after all, following his instructions. Suppose for example that he tells you he's going to be a good patient, of course dear, but in private moans to her that he can't see the point of all these tests and appointments, waste of good money, what's the use, etc. etc. and she takes her cue from that?

The pecking order in terms of decision-making, all other things being equal, goes:

your father
his formally appointed health care proxy or (the title varies) health POA
his wife (unless she's formally been found incompetent)
his adult children

All of whom can be overridden if there should ever be a guardianship application, from one of those parties (not your father, obviously) or the state, which a court decides it would be in his best interests to allow.

So there are things that can be done, but it's probably a bit too early on to bring out the big guns.

Step one: do you have any HIPAA related authority to see his medical information and liaise with his health care professionals? If not, you need it. You get it from him. He can authorise anyone he pleases to share his confidential information with you, but without his permission nobody should.

How actively involved and interested in decisions is your father at this point?

Set up an appt. for your mom to be evaluated. You may be looking at a POA/Guardianship status for BOTH parents.