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anonymous933992 Asked July 2019

I have 2 half sisters who are trying to get control over my mother and her assets and retirement and need some input.

My mother has short term memory loss. When she is in her normal state of mind she remembers what is going on and is aware that they have filed guardianship and conservatorship papers in court. They tried to put her in a home but she called and asked me to pick her up. They then said I was abusing her and stealing from her. I have been investigated and none of their claims were true. She now has an attorney and when I remind her of his advice she doesn't want to believe it. When she forgets what is happening she wants to call them to pick her up and doesn't remember that they are trying to put her in a home and she turns on me. I have had her tested and she needs some help but scored a 23 on the mme test her doctor gave her. Her memory lapses are hard to deal with and my husband is trying hard but it is getting difficult to deal with her insults and name calling when she is in the altered mind set. I would appreciate any ideas on how to deal with her to bring her back to reality.

Lymie61 Jul 2019
From your profile it looks like she is living with you and maybe has been for a year or more? Were you given POA, MPOA and or DPOA at any point before or since she moved in? If she had been living on her own with assistance from sisters or with one of them I would say they might have your mom's needs in mind and best intentions for her but if she is and has been living with you I have to imagine there are other tensions between you and your step sisters. Did you all get along and share care giving responsibilities prior to this or have you always been at odds? Might they be feeling shut out of their mom's care whether warranted or not? Sometimes it's all about perception and when there isn't good dialogue siblings or family who aren't part of the day to day care start imagining and then creating problems that don't really exist. Is there a substantial estate or something they are afraid is either being squandered or shut out of? It sounds like mom loves you all which is why she fluctuates back and forth but if the three of you don't pit yourselves against each other and stop "reminding" her of what the other is doing you could all probably alleviate a lot of stress on her and that stress can light up or increase dementia symptoms, getting rid of it, finding a way to set it aside for her, could bring about some improvement even. Anyway if there is an estate people might have their eyes on is there a will and some sort of legal paperwork? Both to make it clear to everyone what the plans are and in the event this fight continues to progress because you and your sisters can't get together and have a meeting of the minds, if mom has appointed a MPOA, POA, executor or anything like that it might have some weight in any court fight. But the fact that she is living with you and I imagine you are listed as medical proxy and maybe even handling her accounts seems to give you some standing here unless they have a good case that you aren't actin in mom's best interest somehow and that brings me back to dialogue. Maybe simply keeping in touch with them and letting them know whats going on will help alleviate some of this. I know it isn't your job and it is very unfair that this is being thrown at you, especially when you are living with mom and caring for her but again with the caring for her in mind maybe you should make a real attempt to reach out and figure this out with your sisters without courts and lawyers before continuing to that level, it might be less stressful and time consuming for all of you even if it does mean swallowing some of your anger and "being the bigger person", you can do it without swallowing pride just use honey instead of vinegar and see if it helps. Make sure you are armed with any legal stuff just in case you need to pull it out gently "it seems like a waste of Mom's money to try and change what she has really set up in court".

The other thing that has occurred to me is that perhaps mom's last marriage was to their dad and you are the oldest? Maybe there is some conflict with "their parents" estate vs your parents or mom's? It's hard to speculate without knowing some of those dynamics, were you all raised together, are either father still alive?... Those things could be a factor too I suppose. But again if there is a will even if one spouse has passed it usually has provisions for one spouse passing first and while they could change it it gives you a road map. Then again your mom could have been a single mom raising the three of you on her own so hard to speculate... Good luck, whatever the case I do think it would be so much easier, less confusing and stressful for mom if you all aren't in fighting and pulling her in different directions even though you are trying to protect her. I hope you can find a way to communicate, you will need each others support through this whether she stays with you or it's time for a facility. Hang in there!

anonymous912123 Jul 2019
If she requires more care than you can provide, place her in AL. Why are you fighting her being in a home? You will never get her back to reality, her mind has left the stage. Is she your mother? If so, why haven't you applied for guardianship?

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AlvaDeer Jul 2019
This sounds like "blended family" trouble, and there's really nothing like it. Everything becomes a fight. Whomever is granted the POA for health and financial care, and for guardianship will be the person responsible for placing Mom if they deem it necessary. If you have neither you will not be able to go and pick her up. This is becoming a family food fight. Please, you all need to get together, go to one attorney, and come to a conclusion about who will serve as POA and guardian. The rules on this sort of thing are extremely strict, and records must be kept to prove assets are being spent for your Mom. But these family fights muddy the waters badly. We are hearing "your side" in all this, and of course we believe you, but we are not hearing their side, and do not know what has been done and where all this is at. If your mother scored well on the testing and she doesn't wish to have a conservator, it is likely that one will not be appointed, but it is sounding very much like she does need the help and guidance.
worriedinCali Jul 2019
There won’t be both a POA for healthcare and a guardian. Whoever gets guardianship will be the one who can place mom. Guardianship supersedes POA.
Geaton777 Jul 2019
Nancy, ditto to commenter below who asked what you want to see happen. Did your half sisters ever have a healthy, loving, close relationship with your mom? If they don't know her that well, maybe their actions are not on the up-and-up. But maybe they see something you don't right now which is that your mom needs more than you can give her and yes, it will only get more intense. Many loving, concerned, well-meaning children don't know what they're signing up for when they fight to take care of their LO in the home. Burn-out can happen often and quickly. Hopefully your mom is financially secure right now, as this will help give her (and you) care options. Wishing you a good outcome!

mollymoose Jul 2019
Where does the guardianship case stand? The memory test your Mom had, was it the one ordered by the court?

If if your mom has short term memory loss, you can NOT bring her back to reality. You can try to remind/redirect her but that doesn’t mean it will sink in. Her brain doesn’t work right anymore. Unfortunately, it will not get better. She doesn’t remember her daughters are trying to put her in a home, she doesn’t believe her attorney, you admit her memory loses are difficult to deal with & she’s also verbally abusive (insults & name calling is abusive behavior). It sounds like you need to have some resources in place to help you with your mom. Do you have a POA in place to help with her medical/financial decisions?

97yroldmom Jul 2019
Nancy
what do you want to see happen? I assume the sisters were not successful with the guardianship.
Are you beginning to believe that your mother needs more care than you can provide? Regardless of what she tested she doesn’t sound like she can make sound decisions for herself. These are half sisters so they are your mothers children as well., correct? Are do you share the same father? What did the attorney advise your mother to do? Is he/she a certified elder attorney? I have heard of more than one case where siblings disagreements led to the mother being given a court appointed guardian where none of the children had the ability to control where their mother was placed.
You are expecting your mom to make sound decisions and she has lost that ability. Perhaps a mediator could help you and your sisters put your mothers care first. It sounds like you have some work to do before that would be possible. Does your mother have other children besides you three? This is a common problem that can make all your lives hell.

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