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Mjlarkan Asked February 2018

Do I tell dementia patient?

My brother is now in hospice. When he passes, do I tell my mother? My instinct is to tell her maybe on two different days then not mention again unless she asks. She’s high functioning but extreme short term memory loss. She never asks about him now. I would absolutely want to know but would I be putting on avoidable stress? I feel pretty certain she will forget within 5-10 minutes.

polarbear Feb 2018
In the case of my mother, she has no short term memory when it comes to mundane things like when and where we will go today, but important and emotional things will get stuck in her head and she remembers.

When her brother passed away last year, I didn't tell her for fear she would be too upset. But her sister went and told her, so my mother cried one whole day, and the next few days but less. She kept asking many times everyday when the funeral would be and insisted on going. So, she cried again at the viewing, at the funeral, and at the burial. She still remembers that her brother passed away, but she has accepted it and doesn't cry anymore.

She was also told of a death of an old friend whom she hadn't seen for over 10 years. That news didn't affect her at all.

My guess is that your mother would take the news very hard because it's her son.  For parents, the worst pain would be the death of a child. Best not to let her know.

smeshque Feb 2018
I think you have been given good advice above. You shouldn't tell her unless she asks. But don't lie. And you should advise others to respect your wishes as well .
I will pray for you, this is a hard thing you are going through, God gives strength to the weary.

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97yroldmom Feb 2018
Unless your mom only speaks to you, you will need to advise her other family and friends of your decision to keep the information from her.
I had to watch on camera as a family member told my aunt of the death of a loved one. She left my aunt without so much as a hug. Sometimes we think the decision is all ours and then we learn that it is not. This person was not close to aunt. She was asked to tell her “ in case someone else did, so she would know. “
No, just you idiots told her and then left her to grieve alone and then not really know why she was so sad. For days she would ask “ did someone in the family die?”

Grammyteacher Feb 2018
When my mom's oldest grandson passed and her cousin passed, we didn't tell her. She would not have really been able to process it. I have heard others say, tell them once out of respect, then just use therapeutic lies. I think you do whichever you think it's best for your mom.

Isthisrealyreal Feb 2018
If she never asks about him please do not tell her. There is not enough known about how the brain that is broken functions, you would not want to risk this being the one thing she absorbs and becomes grief stricken or feels guilt about because she forgot him or ? whatever is going on in her brain. I'm so sorry that you have to go through both of these hard situations together, one or the other is hard enough. I pray that you find strength and peace on this journey.

BarbBrooklyn Feb 2018
Once my mother was diagnosed with dementia, I never told her unpleasant news or any story that didn't have a happy ending. I didn't tell her about deaths and if someone close had an illness or something, I only told her once they were better.

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