How do I deal with the heartbreak of the facility recommending I limit my visits with my husband until he adjusts?

Rosebudann,

Amazingly, dementia patients can be very selective with their conversation and demeanor, depending on who they talk to. You would think that given their compromised cognition, they wouldn't be able to ; but some can and do! I wrestle with a similar issue with every contact I have with my mother, who is also in memory care. She hates it there and demands to go back to her old house (currently on the market to help finance her upkeep) or wants to go to assisted living, which offers more freedom than Mom can manage. All the explanations in the world don't help. She tells me how miserable she is, she has no one to talk to, blah, blah, blah, but the excellent staff at memory care assure me she is always laughing and talking to the other residents (!!!) Go figure. The truth of it is, my Mom will be miserable no matter where she is. You have done the very best you can for your husband. I would suggest you stow your guilt away for good and follow the suggestion of your husband's memory care staff and refrain from visiting for awhile. It may very well help him adjust to his new situation. In my Mom's case, it didn't; but it has worked for others and may work for you. No matter what, please know that you are not alone with this heartache.

You did the absolute best by finding a wonderful care facility for him as well as keeping him at home as long as possible.
Many spouses are ridden with the type of guilt you are experiencing. A few sessions with a therapist or social worker might help you. Check to seek if there are groups in your area for spouses/families who are in the same situation. Group members can be of tremendous support to you and your daughter.

Great comments here. As to the question: "When will I go home?" consider for an answer: "When you are well. You still need to heal." He will eventually go home. This home is the home of spirit, the home for all of us when we transition out of Earth to Heaven or a higher realm, depending on your belief system.

Take the time away from him to recalibrate your own emotions, get some rest and establish some changes in your activities. His needs are being cared for and you need to reconsider what your needs truly are at this point.

They always take it out on the caregiver. You made a wise decision. He will adjust but probably will ask to go home occasionally. I tell Mom that this is where she lives now.

Many places recommend that you stay away for the first month.

I did that with my mom. She adjusted.

There is a lot in this chapter of life that requires great strength and resolve. It becomes the new normal and is in the best interest of everyone.

AmberA is right. My mom also works on me about coming "home" which is my home where we tried twice without success. The staff at AL tells me she is happy and interacts well with other residents. But to me she is miserable and complains bitterly about being there. It will take time, don't let him get to you.

My Mama is 83 and broke her pelvis in 2 places and now we have the firm Alzheimer's diagnosis. She has been in the hospital and a rest home and to a behavioral elder hospital and back to a new rest home for skilled nursing. She seems to talk and smile and be nice to everyone now. But no matter what....when I come to visit she says she ready to go home. She can't remember that she can't walk yet. I know this is heartbreaking! After a 3 weeks I am only visiting every 3 days. Sometimes even miss 4 days. It really is better if you don't go there so often. They tried to tell me that but I'm the only daughter that lives here and she lived in her own home but I was always on call for her so I'm chief caregiver. I read all this advise on here before but until I really tried it I did not understand that it works to stay away a bit! I still wake up every morning thinking DANG! Mommy's in a rest home. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! She has had dementia for 5 years and cannot drive or remember to take medication ever. Sending all caregivers love.

I suggest you plan your visits and stay for a set time, such as 20 or 30 minutes...Take something different each time: for example:
+ bring some old photos from over the years...show him and ask him who this person or that one is, because "you don't remember."
+Take a magazine that centers on a hobby of his from the past: Hunting, fishing, gun collecting, whatever...Select in advance an article that you think he might be interested in...Have a some questions and comments prepared to discuss with him.
+ When he talks (or yells) about going home, do not argue...Have set routine of comments to say.

The gist of what is behind my comments is simply that the nursing staff says he is doing well. You are doing well too if you accept that nothing is going to change his behavior in your presence..Therefore, plan your visits and time them and be grateful that YOU have the capability to realize that although you can't and never will change him, you can, with difficulty, stay calm and learn to accept the way he is.

"We can act our way into right thinking before we can think our way into right acting.."

Grace + Peace,
Bob

For four years I listened to my mother tell me that "she should have never come here" after selling her house and moving into mine. She was not happy.

When she was no longer safe alone, and I have a full time job outside my home, I found a wonderful full care facility where she can age in place and stay. She has a full apartment, activities, caring attentive staff, friends. . . heck I would like to live there, and I tell her that whenever she gets snotty and says "well, how would YOU like to be here?", I tell her I picked it because someday I hope to be able to afford to live there.

At any rate, I only go once a week, for about an hour, maybe two, and when the inevitable question of "when can I come home" pops up, I simply tell her that she can come home when I retire in 10 years (and it's going to be ten years every day), that she is not safe alone in my house. And then I change the subject.

The staff tells me she is doing well during the week, making friends, getting involved in some activities, even though she complains to me how "beneath her" it is to play Bingo or watch old movies. Because she doesn't want ME to know that she is actually doing well there. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being the cause of her misery. Because I know she is well cared for, better than I was doing here at my house. She has been there going on six months. Yesterday I took her to see a play and she had a wonderful time, and didn't complain much at all.