She is 94. I am 55 and quit my job to move in with her after she broke her hip about 3 years ago when she could not be safely discharged home from rehab. She has progressively gotten more forgetful, to the point that no one can have a normal conversation with her because of all the repeating she does. She is constantly accusing me of calling her "crazy" and angrily yells, hisses or leaves me notes saying, "I still have a brain and I'm not crazy and I can take care of myself." The problem is, she can't. She leaves food on the stove and forgets it until the pan starts smoking up the house and the smoke alarm goes off. She often forgets to take her morning medication that I set out along with her breakfast the night before. I don't have a problem with dealing with that, but if I tell her information that she's forgotten, most times she will start berating me for disrespecting her and how could I do that to a 94-year-old AND my mother? She thinks I am lying to her constantly. It is obvious she needs supervision and at least partial to total assistance with every area of her life, but denies this to everyone. I have no living relatives who will even call her more than a couple times a year because she has always tried to micro-control everyone and lectures everyone about whatever they do, have or say that she personally didn't approve of, repeatedly to the point where nobody wants to even be around her. A couple of people in the family will send a card or call for 10 minutes occasionally. ONE step great grandson will visit once or twice a year for an hour or invite her to a great great grandchild's birthday party occasionally. I can't blame them at all. If you aren't in her good graces, watch out because the rest of the world is going to know of your "misdeeds" Which is another reason no one wants contact with her. So, there's no one but me who will help her or help me care for her. She is accusing me of lying about what she has forgotten and of taking advantage of her by living at her house, not taking her anywhere, although she rarely asks to go anywhere and if she does my husband or I takes her. She says she loves me, but I don't love her and I don't appreciate all she does or has EVER in life done for me. I plan to take her to the doctor this week to discuss her mental status and dreading it because I will never hear the end of it. What do I do now? It's getting worse as time goes on.
24 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
But, sigh, you are living with her. She apparently has the beginnings of dementia, adding to her already unpleasant personality. You are taking her to the doctor. Write you concerns about her memory and cognitive declines briefly and get it to the doctor BEFORE the appointment.
If you insist on caregiving this woman, do it right. Read up on dementia and how to deal with repetition, accusations, fabrications, etc. Save your sanity!
That was the time to get her into Assisted Living. Just remember that for the next time she goes into the hospital. Please make plans to move out and re-enter the job market.
" Yes, mother, you're right; we've been abusing your hospitality for too long. Husband and I will be moving into our own place June 1. Would you like me to arrange for aides or would you like to tour some Assisted Living facilities?"
ADVERTISEMENT
2 - don't disagree with them. There is no reasoning they will understand. So agree with her, go along with what she says, or help make up excuses for her (like the pan on the stove - say YOU forgot about it ---- then remove the knobs from the stove).
Basically, child proof the home. Add stick on battery operated alarms on the doors that will beep when the door is opened. (we also hang bells on almost every door in the house going from room to room, and use bells and stick on alarms on the doors that go outside)
Relax and do the best that you can. No two days are alike, no 2 patients are alike, but a good geriatric psychiatrist and/or neurologist can help you achieve a better state of emotional balance for your Mom.
(if your mom refuses to see a 'psychiatrist' like most of her generation would do, tell her it is a silly insurance thing that requires ""a"" visit. Most GP's are very good at guiding the visit and easing the concerns of the geriatric patient.)
Best wishes
You are not alone here.
I suggested what she can do now ( move out, and arrange for care) and what she should do in the future, should her mother be hospitalized again.
And yes, I was telling the OP and the other folks who read these posts that there are sometimes solutions other than adult/elder children quitting their jobs to caregiver demented, possibly mentally ill parents.
Doing hands-on care for a parent you do not love and/or who does not love you has never made sense to me. So that is the opinion I express. I expect others who have different views will express them, too.
See All Answers