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She is 94. I am 55 and quit my job to move in with her after she broke her hip about 3 years ago when she could not be safely discharged home from rehab. She has progressively gotten more forgetful, to the point that no one can have a normal conversation with her because of all the repeating she does. She is constantly accusing me of calling her "crazy" and angrily yells, hisses or leaves me notes saying, "I still have a brain and I'm not crazy and I can take care of myself." The problem is, she can't. She leaves food on the stove and forgets it until the pan starts smoking up the house and the smoke alarm goes off. She often forgets to take her morning medication that I set out along with her breakfast the night before. I don't have a problem with dealing with that, but if I tell her information that she's forgotten, most times she will start berating me for disrespecting her and how could I do that to a 94-year-old AND my mother? She thinks I am lying to her constantly. It is obvious she needs supervision and at least partial to total assistance with every area of her life, but denies this to everyone. I have no living relatives who will even call her more than a couple times a year because she has always tried to micro-control everyone and lectures everyone about whatever they do, have or say that she personally didn't approve of, repeatedly to the point where nobody wants to even be around her. A couple of people in the family will send a card or call for 10 minutes occasionally. ONE step great grandson will visit once or twice a year for an hour or invite her to a great great grandchild's birthday party occasionally. I can't blame them at all. If you aren't in her good graces, watch out because the rest of the world is going to know of your "misdeeds" Which is another reason no one wants contact with her. So, there's no one but me who will help her or help me care for her. She is accusing me of lying about what she has forgotten and of taking advantage of her by living at her house, not taking her anywhere, although she rarely asks to go anywhere and if she does my husband or I takes her. She says she loves me, but I don't love her and I don't appreciate all she does or has EVER in life done for me. I plan to take her to the doctor this week to discuss her mental status and dreading it because I will never hear the end of it. What do I do now? It's getting worse as time goes on.

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Why? Why did you quit your job to move in and care for this person whom you do not love and don't appreciate all she does - or has EVER in life done for you. Why weren't you as smart, honest, or perceptive as the rest of the family and distance yourself from her? You could certainly be her advocate and see that she gets appropriate care without living with her!

But, sigh, you are living with her. She apparently has the beginnings of dementia, adding to her already unpleasant personality. You are taking her to the doctor. Write you concerns about her memory and cognitive declines briefly and get it to the doctor BEFORE the appointment.

If you insist on caregiving this woman, do it right. Read up on dementia and how to deal with repetition, accusations, fabrications, etc. Save your sanity!
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Did you not realize when rehab said she couldn't be discharged home to live alone, that was the time to ask " so what alternative living arrangements can be made?".

That was the time to get her into Assisted Living. Just remember that for the next time she goes into the hospital. Please make plans to move out and re-enter the job market.

" Yes, mother, you're right; we've been abusing your hospitality for too long. Husband and I will be moving into our own place June 1. Would you like me to arrange for aides or would you like to tour some Assisted Living facilities?"
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1 - meet with a Geriatric Psychiatrist - ASAP, some medications can help. Including off label use of Abilify, and some anti-psychotic RXs. If they are happier, you as caretaker can be happier.
2 - don't disagree with them. There is no reasoning they will understand. So agree with her, go along with what she says, or help make up excuses for her (like the pan on the stove - say YOU forgot about it ---- then remove the knobs from the stove).
Basically, child proof the home. Add stick on battery operated alarms on the doors that will beep when the door is opened. (we also hang bells on almost every door in the house going from room to room, and use bells and stick on alarms on the doors that go outside)
Relax and do the best that you can. No two days are alike, no 2 patients are alike, but a good geriatric psychiatrist and/or neurologist can help you achieve a better state of emotional balance for your Mom.
(if your mom refuses to see a 'psychiatrist' like most of her generation would do, tell her it is a silly insurance thing that requires ""a"" visit. Most GP's are very good at guiding the visit and easing the concerns of the geriatric patient.)
Best wishes
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You guys sound like you're fussing at this person who is in the same position as many in the group.
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I'm in a similar boat going down the same river. Mom was an avid reader before completely loosing her vision then we switched to books on tape, and she listens to them the entire day. Our conversations often consist of a mix of reality and bits and pieces from the latest books. I use to try to correct her which only made her mad then I had an old wet hen to put up with, but eventually I learned to respond with some benign statement like "oh really " or "well that must have been interesting" and let the rest go. As for real advice, I don't have much to offer that hasn't already been said. And there are many people on this forum with loads of good information. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to caregiving. I'd suggest you use the search engine on this site for specific topics and pick and choose which answers work best for you and your particular situation.
You are not alone here.
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The OP asked " what do I do now?".

I suggested what she can do now ( move out, and arrange for care) and what she should do in the future, should her mother be hospitalized again.

And yes, I was telling the OP and the other folks who read these posts that there are sometimes solutions other than adult/elder children quitting their jobs to caregiver demented, possibly mentally ill parents.
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Welcome to Aging Care... We didn't move in with my mother, but your story sounds a lot like mine. My mother calls constantly to ask "Why do I have (name) here today? I don't have help every day"... and invents stories - or recounts memories of driving to the store, etc. These people live in their own little fantasy world. Mom's doctor says she is unaware of her condition (Anosognosia is a deficit of self-awareness, a condition in which a person who suffers some disability and seems unaware of their condition) ..and some of it is denial. My mother is very narcissistic - she was a Colonel's wife, and used to being in control. When my dad was dying, I promised I would look after Mom... doing the right thing has ruined my health, wrecked my 'golden years'... be sure to look after yourself. Do look into memory care. Do go back to work, or you'll have nothing in your old age. Take care.
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I'm in the same boat as you are with my mom, her memory & her nasty mouth. We don't live together, I'd go insane if I couldn't get away from her. When she begins her assaults on me, I get up to leave and it makes her mad, she says "run away like you always do" and I say "i'm not sitting here listening to you insult me, not my idea of fun". I really think my mom enjoys her assaults on me. She's a good old Irish gal, I think fighting comes natural to her! Ugh, your mom is 94, mine is only 81 and other than her forgetfulness is in pretty good health. The confabulations are something that was difficult for me to accept at first, she just spins these stories and talks like she knows what she's saying, it blew my mind the first few times she did that. I gently tried to talk to mom about her memory problems, so she accused me of wanting to convince her she was crazy & 'put her someplace' and get control of her money so I never bring the subject up any more. It makes me crazy to think I could end up like this. I guess they accuse us of not loving them because they need to be reassured you do. Last August my mom attacked me so violently verbally that I cannot tell her I love her now. The words will not come out of my mouth even though I know she does need to hear it. How can I feel love for someone that attacks me so venomously even if it is the disease talking. Best of luck.
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Tiredofmom......exactly what I'm dealing with. Except mom is 97. We were never close, but now it's near impossible. At one time, I was with her 5 days a week. I was never happy nor was she. It started affecting my interaction with my husband, who has been so supportive. After speaking with her doctor and my own doctor, we now have caretakers with her, so that I'm down to two days. The days I go are still hard, but I have had to accept that, due to the dementia, she is not my mom anymore. And, through prayer and self reflection, I'm not allowing her to "get" to me.
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Yes, Jessie. And I'd fuss at those long-term members of our group if they asked the same questions.

Doing hands-on care for a parent you do not love and/or who does not love you has never made sense to me. So that is the opinion I express. I expect others who have different views will express them, too.
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