Should an 87 year old Mom be told her adult daughter has multiple brain tumors and may die?
Afraid what will happen to mom if they do. Mom lives at home on her own and travels at times to visit this daughter who is now sick while on a winter leave.
You don't say that this woman has any major health concerns beyond her age, how do they imagine they will continue to explain her daughter's absence for the next five or ten years?
You are right that you absolutely cannot breach their confidence.
They are afraid that this sad news would have a bad impact on the mother.
What impact do they suppose it will have on her when she, inevitably, discovers that her daughter was seriously ill, knew it, and chose neither to confide in her nor to give her an opportunity to spend time with her? Do they suppose that "we didn't want to worry you" is EVER any kind of consolation? It is the oldest, lamest and most aggravating excuse for avoiding painful conversations in the book.
All I can suggest is that you write the two scenarios down and give them to the ill lady to read. And remind them of the principles of Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby and Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid.
After that, remember that it isn't your decision to make; and in the fullness of time, if need be and it's still possible, you will be able to express your regret to the mother.
I hope you manage to get somewhere. I agree with you that what they're planning is... idiotic and demeaning.
I'm a friend of this family and I want to get information to reveal to the family that they do indeed need to tell the mother so that she can get there to possibly at some point say goodbye or to be they're as support. I myself would be furious if I wasn't told but I must also keep their wish or be in trouble by the whole family.
1. Has the adult daughter with the brain tumours given you permission to discuss her situation? Ask her. If it's a no, it's a no and you can't tell anyone - (but see below).
2. Does your 87 year old mother has capacity? As she's travelling to see her daughter, it sounds as if she has. In which case, she's a competent adult and you shouldn't withhold information from her that you wouldn't appreciate anybody keeping from you. If your daughter were gravely ill, wouldn't you want to know about it?
I'm so sorry to hear you are in this tough situation. I know its not easy. If it were me and it was my daughter, I would want to know because then I could plan to spend more time with her. And try to support her as well. I hear your concern though. I would talk with the daughter and see what her wish is on this as well. As a mother I would feel very betrayed if no one told me.
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You are right that you absolutely cannot breach their confidence.
They are afraid that this sad news would have a bad impact on the mother.
What impact do they suppose it will have on her when she, inevitably, discovers that her daughter was seriously ill, knew it, and chose neither to confide in her nor to give her an opportunity to spend time with her? Do they suppose that "we didn't want to worry you" is EVER any kind of consolation? It is the oldest, lamest and most aggravating excuse for avoiding painful conversations in the book.
All I can suggest is that you write the two scenarios down and give them to the ill lady to read. And remind them of the principles of Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby and Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid.
After that, remember that it isn't your decision to make; and in the fullness of time, if need be and it's still possible, you will be able to express your regret to the mother.
I hope you manage to get somewhere. I agree with you that what they're planning is... idiotic and demeaning.
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2. Does your 87 year old mother has capacity? As she's travelling to see her daughter, it sounds as if she has. In which case, she's a competent adult and you shouldn't withhold information from her that you wouldn't appreciate anybody keeping from you. If your daughter were gravely ill, wouldn't you want to know about it?
I'm so sorry to hear you are in this tough situation. I know its not easy. If it were me and it was my daughter, I would want to know because then I could plan to spend more time with her. And try to support her as well. I hear your concern though. I would talk with the daughter and see what her wish is on this as well. As a mother I would feel very betrayed if no one told me.