My husband and I agreed to have my disabled father come to live with us 7 years ago.

Follow
Share

My Husband and I agreed to have my disabled Father come to live with us 7 years ago. He is 72, diabetic and has lost both his legs (below the knees) due to self neglect, not managing his blood sugar levels etc and smoking heavily. He wanted to come and live with us and we converted our garage into an annex attached on the side of our house (he paid for the conversion with some of the money he got from selling his house). We live with a link door in-between. The problems have arisen over the last 18 months as its become apparent he is a serious alcoholic (1/2 litre bottle of vodka per night) and watches pornographic films for hours throughout the day with no attempt at keeping it discrete. This behaviour is obviously unacceptable especially as I have an 11 year old son who is in the vicinity of his Grandfather. Despite all this I still feel terrible guilt at the thought of asking Dad to leave. I have given him an ultimatum, he keeps his behaviour private or he moves out. He adopts a very passive aggressive behaviour and just sulks rather than discussing the situation. I feel very upset and trapped.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
30

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
Hi all thought I'd update you with a final post re our situation.
My father has begun formal counselling with a male therapist who deals in all his issues, looking back into his life dealing in trauma loss, dealing with the subsequent addiction issues etc. He's disposed of ALL offensive material and it's a huge relief to be able to come home without a feeling of dread and be able to go into my garden without fear. He knows he has run out of chances and this really is the last chance saloon! I hope it's not too late to finally set him free of these issues and he can be happy for how ever long he has left in his life. My Husband and I have dug really deep to try and help him and if it doesn't work out we know we've done all we could of. I have no expectations but hope for the best. Many thanks for all advice and I wish you all the best with your families too. X
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Idea
Would like to see you handle all this privately Lena.
Most people know that if the authorities are involved, they will most likely take your son out of there first.
In the United States, we have motels that will take monthly rentals.
Pay one month, put your Dad there, call to report a vulnerable adult for emergency placement. It no longer matters what Dad paid to remodel.

Hoping the entire suitcase is now already gone, right? Keep his letter, give it to authorities to protect yourself.

You will come to reconcile this in your own heart and mind after time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

That argument of sex vs violence in films is as old as dirt! I'm a huge film nerd so have heard the theories beat to death.

I agree there is some validity to the argument. But there's a huge difference between a tastefully produced love scene in a film - with a plot and meaningful dialogue- and that utter demeaning garbage they put in porn films.

Like you said - it's a poor excuse made by an ill man.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Well. If it were me, that would be it. Out.

He can't defend conditioning an 11 year old boy to think that porn is a normal part of domestic design on the grounds that Grand Theft Auto is worse. And that is what your father is doing, whether intentionally or not; and if he not only can't see that but actively argues the contrary - Byeeeeee!

Nuts to what your colleagues would say - what, like none of them has alcoholism, domestic abuse, crime or teenage pregnancy in the family?

Pretend you're a client. What would tell her to do?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks Rainmom I'm
All about being direct and appreciate your message. I can't thank you enough for being honest I just need to have people to talk to as obvs can't discuss with friends (who have met my father). Please be as honest and direct as you want. You are echoing my inner thoughts it's just reassuring to hear someone say this isn't normal, you aren't being unreasonable. I thank you sincerely
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I haven't mentioned another dynamic to this but I am an Occupational Therapist and work for the local authority so any referral would be dealt with by my social work colleagues (as if it couldn't get worse!)
I know they would be confidential and compassionate but still it's my area of work. Additionally I've just found a letter he wrote on my coffee table obviously intended for us to find stating his thoughts on the issues. Largely slagging off my brother, for things he did as a teenager? Also trying to defend the open viewing of hard core porn in the presence of children vs films in the cinema like Winter Soldier that contain some violence? Bizzare and scrabbling for excuses? He is a very ill
excuse for a man.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Lene- sounds like you are getting a grip on the situation so anything I say now is probably not needed - but I'm gonna say it anyhow - sorry!

As others have pointed out - having the sound turned up so loud was a passive aggressive middle finger to you. There is no plot to follow, no dialogue required - heck, even the background music in these films isn't worth hearing!

Yes - your probably dealing with a mental issue and/or an addiction so dad will tell you whatever he thinks you need to hear to get you to leave him alone with his "drug" of choice. Don't buy into him saying he'll stop. He won't.

But the biggest "red flag", "writing on the wall" or "wake up call" has to be your brother remembering as a teenager- seeing dad drunk and watching porn. That could easily be your son!


Don't let your guard down - follow through with your plan of action. This is hard - this is heartbreaking- but it's also a keg of dynamite- it just has a long fuse. But that fuse is burning towards disaster.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If he were living on his own, it wouldn't be a problem. A man can watch what he likes in his own home.

But he's sharing a home with his - your- family, and he had no idea that playing porn at top volume in the middle of the day could be a problem?

Ring social services and chat it through with them. You might as well start the ball rolling - after all, if a sheltered placement does come up you won't be forced to accept it if it's no longer necessary - and meanwhile they might have useful suggestions to make. Like day care or support services for him, service user groups who could widen his social circle, anything to give him a bit more meaning in life, really.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Hi country mouse Well it's local authority run unless you can buy privately. This essentially means he has to wait to be assessed by a social worker (around 2-3 months) then goes on a waiting list for a flat to become available.
My Husband spoke to him today in length this morning and gave him a long letter to keep and read in his own leisure. He has said he had no idea this was a problem? Thinks it's normal to watch such material throughout the day etc. The man is in denial! He has agreed to never watch this stuff again in our home and throw it away (hundreds of DVDs that fill a suitcase btw) but my husband said to him he believes This is an addiction and more about control and urged him to receive counselling. He has reluctantly agreed but I'm doubtful he'll see it through. I've sadly lost all respect and empathy for what used to be my Father. I can only hope for a separate form of living until he passes away then it will be over.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dad sounds depressed, to me. I have a brother that does the same thing. It's like giving a drug addict an ultimatum. Doesn't really work and the person actually needs treatment. Medication might help. Then everyone can rest easier. Just my 2 cents.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions